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Young Writers Society



The Ballad of the Brenerit Curfew - Chapter 2.1

by ExOmelas


A/N: I realise there's not very much plot advancement here but there really wasn't a great place to cut this 2400 word chapter. I hope you enjoy some characterisation and setting/worldbuilding stuff.

---

“Seriously, Exi, thank you,” Dania said. Geda was standing beside Dania so she couldn’t see her eyes, but she recognised the earnestness of that voice. Her eyes would be locked onto Exi’s, trying to impress her gratitude upon them as firmly as possible.

“Ach, don’t worry about it, hen.” Exi grinned, as if she barely even noticed, which Geda found impressive. She was sure Dania didn’t mean to be so frightening when she was trying to thank people sincerely but…

Dania smiled and nodded, as she would have if acknowledging a soldier’s will. Geda shuddered and forced herself to be grateful for her relative security. She couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be as dependent on the kindness of your friends as on the mercy of an occupying army.

“Actually, there is something ye could do,” Exi said. She scanned the tavern with screwed up eyes probably more from wishful thinking than actual necessity. Nobody had been in the tavern past sundown since the start of the curfew. Suddenly Exi shouted and pointed an ever so slightly chubby pink finger towards the far right corner. “There she is! Could yous see if she’s finished with any of her embroidery. It’s probably about time to start selling.”

Dania nodded a bit too eagerly and immediately ran off like a loyal puppy towards their friend Ritel, almost as if she was proving herself after being chided.

Exi fixed a blonde braid back into place and raised an eyebrow at Geda. “I’m no crazy, right? Did I sound angry at her or…?”

Geda chewed her bottom lip and pictured Dania’s quiet frown when she’d given her the money. She knew she ought not to picture her as a puppy but how else was she meant to even process Dania now?

“I think it’s been tough for her to adjust,” Geda explained, not really looking in Exi’s eyes. She didn’t want to see that the lights in them were dimming. “Even before Peter, she was always in charge of her own life. I once heard my dad tell Irelna that she might even have made it to university. And she’d totally have held her own with all the men, right? She was amazing. Now you hear one five syllable word from her and it’s like being slapped in the face by her shadow.”

Exi burst out laughing and lay a hand on Geda’s shoulder. “God, Geda, I thought you were gonnae make me cry there. Then bam! I mean, still tragic, but man was that poetic. Can I sing that last line ae yours?”

Geda stared at her for a second then felt a laugh gradually start to tickle her. She winked at Exi. “Not if I sing it first.”

Exi called after her as she turned with a flourish to follow Dania. “Since when did you sing?”

Geda turned and walked backwards for a few steps. She shrugged. “You never know.”

Then she whipped back around, darting between the scuffed wooden tables and almost getting her favourite red dress snagged on a splinter. She’d almost felt bad insisting they go home before coming out that afternoon bit if she’d had to spend one more second in that raggedy brown smock she wore on washing days she might have exploded.

She gulped as she spotted Dania’s smock which, though blue rather than brown, was decidedly raggedy.

She was taking a pile of embroidery circles from the table in front of Ritel, who sat with her legs crossed on the bench that ran round the edge of the tavern.

Ritel looked up at Geda. “Wait, is Pyrenna not with you?”

Geda shrugged. “She’s at Rokil’s. Well, hers now. Hey, give her a break. She spent an hour and a half without him at the washing station today.”

Ritel rolled her eyes and muttered, “Will these star crossed lovers ever fight past the household chores that stand in their way?”

Dania groaned but chuckled as she started towards the nearest customers but Geda put one hand on her hip and stared at Ritel.

“Riti, you know I love you dearly but please could you not ruin this for them?” she said.

Ritel’s hands shot up in protest. “Hey, I only made a joke!”

Geda raised an eyebrow. “I know you, Riti. I know how pissed off you are with life and would like for you to not tell them that love is meaningless because we’re all going to die.”

“Who would I ever say that to?”

Geda glared at her. “My dad. At his wedding.”

Ritel’s eyes widened and she put her hand over her mouth. “Ah. I’d forgotten about that. I … uh… promise not to ruin our friend’s happiness.”

Geda smiled. “Thank you. Now, how much are you selling for tonight?”

Ritel clapped her hands together and was suddenly in business mode. “A copper for a citizen, two silvers for a soldier.”

Geda nodded. “Sounds good. Can you put one aside for me? Freya turns ten next week.”

“Course, I - oh, shit.” Ritel stared over Geda’s shoulder. “Didn’t realise Renyck was sitting over there.”

Geda rolled her eyes as she turned, wondering if Renyck had managed to clean his coat yet. Bit as her eyes scanned the depressingly empty room she realised why Ritel had sounded so panicked. Sat at a table by himself with his legs up on one of the chairs was Renyck Jr, the son of the man who had just delivered some of the most terrifying news Geda had heard since the start of the curfew.

Don’t think about it. Later, echoed the words of Pyrenna before she’d sprinted home.

She turned back to Ritel and sighed. “It’ll be fine. It’s just words.”

Ritel raised both eyebrows but shrugged. “If you’re sure.”

Geda stared at the embroidery as she made her way to the nearest occupied table. The soldier here was a relatively nice young man - for a soldier, and they were all soldiers no matter how respectful. He had the typically slicked back hair, his a deep shade of ebony. As Geda approached, he looked up from his book with an anxious smile and reached into his pocket.

“Lyrics or portrait today, Lieutenant Ochil?” Geda asked. She held up the lyrics version in her left hand - the most poignant words the of the song Exi would be singing that afternoon stitched into the tough linen in looping cursive. In her right she held the portrait of young Mik Lees, the hero who could captivate a school of sirens with a single note from his flute. He was perched on the prow of a longboat with his flute held up next to his mouth, ready to protect the minds of the Fareg navy.

“Hm…” Ochil steepled his hands and his eyes darted back and forth between the two designs. “The lyrics, I think. That way if I master them I can be of some use when Little Lees happens not to be around.”

One side of Geda’s mouth tried to tug the rest of it into a grin but she ignored it and nodded. “Sounds good, Lieutenant. That’ll be two silvers.”

He brought his hand out from his pocket clutching a pile of random silvers and coppers. Geda forced herself not to gape. Even if Ochil wouldn’t gloat, she didn’t feel like broadcasting quite who rarely she saw that much money in one place.

Frowning at his money, he looked up at Geda. “I haven’t been here in a couple of weeks and I can’t remember - does Ritel take tips?”

At this Geda did allow herself to chuckle, especially as the blush raced to his cheecks. She said, “I’m not sure it counts as a tip if I made you do it.”

“In that case here’s the extra copper?” He held out the coins to her with the skin around his eyes drawn tightly back, as if he was afraid the money might suddenly catch fire.

Geda sighed but took the money. She was about to leave but as their eye contact lingered she blurted, “Pleasure daein’ business wi ye, Ocky.”

He jumped backwards and knocked his chair completely off balance, having to clutch at the edge of the table not to fall over.

“Ah, shit, I think I got a splinter,” he muttered. Then he looked up with wide eyes and frighteningly red cheeks. “What did you call me?”

“It’s, uh - it’s a compliment.” Geda’s eyes darted about the room but the only soldier watching was Renyck Jr, and he was always watching. “A compliment, yeah. You think Ren- just anyone gets a nickname?”

She gulped down a brutal cocktail of shame and guilt as she sprinted away to the next occupied table. She really hoped she hadn’t just ruined Ochil’s night.


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Wed Sep 27, 2017 3:18 am
Kale wrote a review...



And since I'm still lacking in things to review, I'm back for this first part of Chapter 2. Because why not?

There were a number of things about this scene that were confusing, and Geda's behavior was perhaps the biggest source of confusion because while the viewpoint in this part is a bit closer than in the previous one, it feels like it either isn't close enough for us readers to follow along with Geda's thought processes, or else it's so close that there is none of the necessary context for us outsiders to understand the significance of the events. An example of the latter is why Geda feels ashamed and guilty for talking to Ochil like she did and how it would possibly ruin his night, and an example of the former is Geda's reactions while and after taking the money.

The dialogue is also a source of confusion, namely why Geda suddenly switches to a more colloquial dialect when up until this point, her language has been markedly proper in contrast to Exi and Ritel. There's hints from Chapter 1 that this is due to her having a better education (through her friendship with Dania perhaps), but there's no clear indication in the narration at the moment as to what would trigger such a drastic shift between modes of speaking, especially considering the apparent tensions between soldiers and civilians and how Geda speaks properly to her friends and/or family when, if she were to slip into a more colloquial form, it would be expected that she does so when speaking with close friends/family.

Basically, Geda's behavior is weird, and while it could be deliberate (tied to her Sparkiness perhaps), there's a distinct lack of justification or hints of justification in the narration at the moment which makes her actions feel more arbitrary and poorly conceived rather than reasonable or intentional.

I think, if you were to better hint at or show Geda's motivations and intentions, Geda's actions, the other characters' reactions, and the scene overall would make a lot more sense.




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Fri Sep 15, 2017 8:35 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, Bisc! Sorry, I didn't get to this sooner, but school has been kicking my butt lately.

She couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be as dependent on the kindness of your friends as on the mercy of an occupying army.

I really don't understand what this sentence is trying to say. I'd try and help wording, but I don't get what you mean.

Being completely honest here, this seemed a bit disjointed and confusing. I'm sure part of it has to do with there not being the chapter in its entirety, but there's so many name drops, and the setting change threw me off. I don't really know what they were doing in the tavern, and the whole embroidery thing didn't seem to mesh with the tavern scene.

There were also a lot of name drops that really confused me. I think the previously unintroduced characters really need something notable to make them stick in the minds of the readers. Just plopping characters in there is really confusing because I feel like I'm supposed to already know them, but I don't.

Sorry this review was so short, but I think the confusing-ness needs to be addressed before I can accurately judge the rest of your writing.

I definitely want to discuss with you, so know that not only am I open to it, but I'm anticipating it. (I mean, I usually anticipate it, but even more than usual, this time.)

~Storm




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Wed Sep 13, 2017 10:13 pm
Mea wrote a review...



Hey Biscuits! I thought I'd drop by and review this today. I went ahead and read through the first chapter as well.

Stuff I liked:
I liked the voices of all the characters, particularly their humor and cheeriness. I wasn't entirely sure, but I think you were trying to have some of them just naturally be that cheerful, and others are faking it more. I suspect as the story goes we'll be able to understand the nuances better. But I like that they're cheerful even in the face of this clearly war-torn, probably oppressive regime - it's such an interesting dissonance. Dania in particular was interesting because of her intensity.

I also like how you're already showing that the different soldiers have different personalities - it'll be interesting throughout to see the many faces of the regime.

Also, I laughed at the end. xD

Confusing Stuff:
When it comes to the spectrum of being confusing vs. infodumping, I think you swing just a little too far towards being confusing. Mostly in that in this scene, you never actually make it clear that they're in a tavern to... help their friend sell some embroidery? Is this something they do regularly? Is it a kind of job? Also, who sells embroidery in a tavern? Exi just kind of showed up suddenly and I wasn't clear who she was, though I'm guessing she's the owner of the tavern.

I also didn't understand the implications of Renyck sitting nearby and how that's dangerous when it comes to setting one of the embroidery things aside for Freya, but I'm more forgiving of that because in that case the uncertainty feels more deliberate and hints at the wider status of the story.

I suppose what I'm getting at is that, even though I can infer some of the things you don't directly state, it left me feeling somewhat adrift because I wasn't sure about any of these things, I was just guessing. But of course, the opening chapters are where you're trying to ground the reader in the story. Last chapter, this wasn't really a problem because it was fairly easy/obvious to infer what was going on - poor people washing clothes, overseen by oppressive regime. (The names in the first chapter did start to blur together, though.) But here, it's not as obvious of a situation.

Other:
You have a few typos here and there: a "bit" that should be "but," "cheecks" instead of "cheeks," etc.

And I think I'll leave it at that! I've been looking for a new novel to follow, I so may come back as you post more. :D




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Wed Sep 13, 2017 3:30 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Before we get started, here's the first pun.

Spoiler! :
Image


This chapter really floats along the same lines as the first, where the baseline is just starting to be established and the characters are just starting to be introduced. I see now the scene that you were asking about in discord and it makes a bit more sense than my original picture. (It was kind of like the scene in Tangled where all the big burly guys had kind of feminine hobbies like crochet.)

The dialogue is a bit hard to get through with the words slurring together from the dialect but really it just took me a little while to adapt to it. It continues on with the humorous and serious mix, which is something that I'm really coming to like as it shapes and decides each scene. There are moments when I expect the characters to be more or less casual/formal than they already are but I think that's just because I don't know them very well. Further down the road, I'll have to do a re-analysis of this.

It's kind of interesting to see more soldiers introduced because the previous ones we've met have been asses. From the bit of interaction between Geda and Ochil, I feel like he'll be returning later on in the story, just from the combination of awkwardness and guilt. It took me a couple of read throughs to understand her guilt, because at first calling him by a nickname didn't seem like much, but I see how that could cause more tension between Ochil and his superiors. (As I'm guessing closeness between the townspeople and soldiers is looked down upon.) I don't know if that's what you were sort of suggesting but that's the only thing that came to mind.

I don't really have anything else so here's the next joke.
Spoiler! :
Image





Oh, I'm sorry. My friends are in the popcorn and I have to save them.
— Tori Hansen, Power Rangers Ninja Storm