The queue for the washing stations hummed with conversation as the city of Brenerit's poorest waited their turns to do their laundry. Geda had a love hate relationship with the washing stations. In a city under curfew, you didn't get many opportunities to chat with your friends for so long, but boy did the washers stink.
"So how's married life?" Dania asked.
Pyrenna, Geda's best friend, grinned and said, "It is the closest to paradise I've come since the time my brother fell in that swamp when he was out hunting. I've never felt as close to anyone as I feel to Rokil."
Dania smiled but didn't say anything and seemed to look through Pyrenna. Geda was surprised she'd even brought up the subject. Ever since her own husband had died, barely anyone had even mentioned marriage around her.
"What does Weder think about you marrying outside Solihir blood?" Geda asked. She'd heard the answer before, but complaining about Pyrenna's brother was fun even when you didn't have an awkward silence to fill.
"He hates it. It's hilarious. I'm just like, 'Hey, you wanted me to get married, didn't you? Nineteen and single so I'm an embarassment to the family, right?" Pyrenna put her hand over her mouth and her sides shook with giggles. "He goes so purple I think he's going to explode. I can't help but thinking he's glad to have me out the house though."
"Wait, Rokil didn't move int-- are you living in that sweatbox?"
A tap on the shoulder reminded Geda that it was her turn to use the washer. She turned round to face the soldier who’d prodded her and mumbled her apologies, then rushed forward to the nearest available station.
“I’ll explain later!” Pyrenna shouted up to her. The queue stopped literally three stone steps before the washing stations so there was no need to shout, but Pyrenna’s glare at the soldier made it obvious to everyone involved she was just unhappy at having her conversation interrupted.
Geda suppressed a grin and started loading her skirts and blouses into the huge circular container. But as the smell from the water hit her, the smirk was wiped right off her face. She couldn’t believe how easily she forgot the stench of the water they washed their clothes in and how it mixed with the foresty pureness of the soap. Once a week was not often enough to make the unbelievable normal. As soon as everyone’s clothes were crammed in, she squeezed the lid on and started to turn the handle.
She looked back down at the queue over the rotating sphere but Pyrenna was gone. With a quick glance about, she spotted her at the station two to her left. Her brow was furrowed and she didn’t even pause to wipe her jet black hair from her light brown cheek as she worked away. A moment later Dania stepped up to the station between them and for the next few minutes the three of them worked in total silence.
“Listen up!” boomed a voice from near the back of the queue.
A soldier in a decorative bright red uniform strode along the squeaky town hall floorboards, which screeched at every thudding impact of his enormous black boots. He had a waxy blonde moustache but some of the whiskers were just slipping slightly out of place. In fact, Geda noticed, he had a rather large stain on the front of his coat and actually… was one of his boots’ soles coming off?
He clapped his hands together to get everyone’s attention and glared at those who hadn’t quieted at his original entrance.
“I’ve been informed that you have not been made aware of the change in pricing for your loads,” he said, his voice far, far louder than it had to be. “The old piece of silver for every litre of water used - with of course the additional copper for refill of the washers - has been increased to two pieces of silver per litre with three coppers for refills. Any of you who have already paid the wrong amount, please see Korek to balance the books.”
Geda could almost feel Pyrenna preparing to pounce down the stairs and attack him, but the general groans that rang out from the patrons in the queue seemed to get a similar point across.
“I know, I know, you’re unhappy,” he said. He raised his hands and widened his eyes with the least sincere innocence Geda had ever seen. “We’re unhappy too, you know. You think we enjoy being defeated on the Pendan border? Or not being able to afford to replace our uniforms when we spill tea on them? Times are tough folks, get used to it.”
Geda felt her knuckles go white as she gripped the handle of the washer. She pictured she was squeezing the soldier’s neck and that made her feel a little better. If there was one man who could always be relied on to make washing day worse, it was Sergeant Renyck.
And with that he was off, back to whatever action figure military planning he wasted his days away with.
Dania and Geda finished their washing at the same time - Dania’s load was always much smaller than the others’ - and slouched over to the drying racks together.
“Did he say he would have normally replaced his jacket because he spilt tea on it?” Dania said in a voice so quiet it was almost a whisper.
Geda chuckled and wrung out a particularly sodden child’s shirt. “Does that surprise you?”
Dania shuddered. “Not even slightly.”
“Oh, that reminds me!” Geda exclaimed. She reached into her pocket and produced one silver piece and one copper piece. “Exi said she got an enormous tip from an absolutely hammered soldier yesterday.”
Dania smiled slightly as she took the coin but her brow was furrowed deep. “Thank you. I wouldn’t have been able to pay for the new prices otherwise. Christ, I probably have to go down to once a fortnight.”
“Ask Pyrenna if you can put some in with her load sometime,” Geda said. She took a seat beside Dania on the lumpy wooden bench and began the wait for the clothes to dry. “I’d give you some space in mine but you know, the whole five siblings thing.”
Dania giggled and shoved some ginger hair that had sprung from its ponytail back in. “Totally didn’t just picture you cramming your brothers and sisters in there. But yeah, I’m impressed you manage to get it in at all. Is there any space for the water?”
Geda sighed. “The less of that water the better.”
“Oh, look,” Dania said, “Pyrenna’s done.”
Pyrenna had begun jogging down the steps carrying the new basket that Ritel had made for her last week. Her eyes were just about visible over the top of it and Geda and Dania giggled manically as they waved their arms about to get their attention. Eventually her eyebrows shot up and she started running over to them.
The door of the hall flew open and was immediately slammed shut. Sergeant Renyck sprang back into the centre of the dark, cold room.
“As I say, these are tough times,” he said, calmly gripping his lapel as if he’d never left. “Not only is everyone going to have to pull their weight financially, but we need military might too. We have been lenient until now, but if you or any of your family are even the slightest bit Sparky, please report to the major. If you are too nervous, worry not. We’ll find you anyway.”
This time he tipped his hat as he left, as if the last time hadn’t really counted and he hadn’t just forgotten the more life-changing part of his message. Geda locked eyes with Pyrenna, who had put her basket down at her feet as he talked. Pyrenna gulped and bit her lip, but didn’t say anything as she picked her basket back up and paced evenly over to their bench.
“So as I was saying before Renyck burst in and made a right mess of his bulletin delivery,” Pyrenna muttered as she started slamming her underwear onto the lower down bars of the rack, “I moved to Rokil’s when we got married because my brother is almost a bigger arse than Renyck himself.”
Geda chuckled. “I bet Rokil was eager to add a third person to his one and a half room apartment.”
Pyrenna shrugged. “He’s essentially an angel.”
Dania sighed but didn’t say anything. She flipped the coin Geda had given her between the middle three fingers on her left hand.
“You okay, Dania?” Geda asked.
Dania looked up and took a deep breath as if she was breaking the surface of a river. “Yeah, sorry. I always think about Peter when I hold money. Sometimes it’s the time I miss him most. But he was an angel too. I try not to think about that side of missing him too much.”
Pyrenna patted Dania on the shoulder and said, “Having him is really putting your life into perspective for me. Honestly, if there’s ever anything I can do for you and the boys…”
Dania rolled her eyes. “If you did any more for me you’d be making me breakfast in bed!”
Geda grinned. “Well, at least your sense of humour’s alive and well. Who would Dania Welsap be without that?”
Dania lay back against the bench and put her hands behind her head. “Jealous, Hendor?”
“Hey, I’m plenty funny!” Geda shouted, brandishing a sock at Dania.
Dania shrugged. “I guess underwear weapons are vaguely slapstick. I prefer a more subtle irony myself.”
Geda grinned, but couldn’t think of a retort in the jumble of thoughts whirling round in her mind. She needed to get alone with Pyrenna, but what sort of excuse was there to leave Dania? You didn’t have secrets from best friends, or if you did you didn’t admit it. Not even if you were possibly the Sparkiest two citizens in all of Brenerit City.
---
A/N: Hey everyone, this is the first story I've taken propery seriously in a while. I so hope that comes across. If you see anything remotely gimmicky please, please yell at me.
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And here I am as requested, now that I've cleared out as much of the Green Room as I possibly can.
That is quite the first sentence there, and the first time I read it, I thought that "poorest" had been mistakenly not-capitalized before I realized what was actually going on in here. Since you mention that the city is under curfew a few sentences later, I'd recommend cutting out "the city of" part to streamline things.
With that said, I get the vague impression that Geda is supposed to be the limited viewpoint here, but there's so much description and explanation presented here in such a detached manner, in stark contrast to Geda's own behavior and apparent personality, that it feels like there's an omniscient narrator here who is toeing the line between omniscient and third-limited.
I feel like you could do a better job of filtering these descriptions and explanations as observations and commentary through Geda's eyes.
Heya Bisc. I had read this when you posted and then not gotten around to it. And since I have this habit of starting novels in the middle, decided it was worth it to come back one step to review this one.
Ah well you probably know the drill. As opening parts go, this was rather entertaining and led to my first set of questions about the setting and how fantastical this was going to be. Right away this reminds me of the things I've read about tenements in early 1900s New York City and London. It just sounds like one of those scenarios that will be the set up for a hero of some sort, the poor beginnings with an odd/strict city, which will eventually lead to something more. That might just be how my perspective of every story is but so far I'm intrigued.
The dialogue is one of the things here that I like more and how it quickly shifts from humorous to not-so, but never actually gets there. From what we learn of the characters in the first bunch of dialogue, it fits along with my thoughts of "doing the best with what is going on". The crack about 19 is another thing that brings up the question of "what is this world?" and "how do things differ here from on our Earth?"
With the soldiers, the scenes are predictably and rightfully tense from the little info one can gather. The dialogue at the point of the shirt continues to seep in humor which I guess is the reason I'm bunching it in here. I like how light the one side is throughout this whole scene that would otherwise be depressing. I don't really have serious critique on that so I guess I'll just move along.
The change in prices is some dirty pool.In the way Geda is having the love/hate relationship with the washers, I have the same with the chapter. There are parts of it that seem to dip into prior knowledge (like possibly dead/missing husband. I'd be lying if I said that didn't make me sad and wonder at the same time). Everything here seems like the middle of a piece of string, where you just know about this one portion and even though it's too late to find the end, it would be nice to find the beginning. I assume that parts of the beginning will be explained further down the road but for now it just makes it hard to work through with little information.
On a brighter side, these non-military characters that have been introduced so far are all pretty likable and their half backstories make you want to know more. James is the loose end I want to know the most about. Sad? Probably. Really important? Probably not tilting towards "lizz you're a busybody".
Not gonna yell at you
You'll be seeing me again soon.
Oh dammit I'd actually had similar comments from Storm and edited but forgot to upload it here. *rushes to update just in case this happens again* I recommend giving the update a quick scan when you get the chance given the fact that I now say a couple of things here which you would expect to be expanded upon if this was the final version of the first chapter.

Thanks for the review!
Uh-oh. I can't find my updated version o.o
hehehehe I was wrong. This is the edited version, which suggests to me I did not go far enough xD
Hey Bisc! Storm here for a review. (I was actually going to review Mea's story but then I saw this and you're one of my favorite people here, so I decided that this was absolutely imperative that I review this right this second, so here I am.)
It's not immediately clear to me what the washer is. Perhaps specifying 'washing machine' would be better. Or maybe I'm just too thick.
Why is the water nasty? There's not really a point in washing your clothes if the water is disgusting.
Using other things to compare features to is a (somewhat) acceptable way to spice up your writing. I'm sure you know that comparing skin to food is strange, but comparing hair and eyes to other things or even just calling them other things is usually fine, and it makes for a more interesting read.
There are two main problems with this chapter. The biggest problem is that we have no idea who these women are and what their situation is. I know now that their town is occupied from what you told me, but I didn't even know that they were civilians.
Your second problem was Geda. She's your POV character, but we're rarely in her head. We need to know a little more about what she's like before you introduce three more characters to us.
I also would like to know what Sparky means and why it's capitalized. It's not really clear in the reading. Though I also get the idea that it's meant to be a secret at the moment. (also Sparky might be gimmicky, but I don't really know yet)
I also noticed there's kind of a change in the way Geda and her friends talk at the end. It used to have more casual language, but it turns sort of intellectual at the end. I don't really know what their socioeconomic status is, but if they're poor, then they're probably not going to be using sentences like
Overall, I'm pretty intrigued but the first chapter was kind of a flop. I know you though, and I have faith that you can turn this around and make a compelling story.
~Storm
Hey there! MJ stopping by for a nice review
This 'metaphor' is realy stretching it for me, so I don't know if it would be better to leave it out.
So as for compliments, you did an admirable job of showing how tight things were without really directly stating it, but I could tell how dire things were by just that one scene, and that was commendable. You also did a good job talking in depth about the character's feelings, and I could see clearly how they were feeling and also how that affected their behavior.
However, I got mixed messages about how Geda felt about the washing. She said in the beginning that it was a wonderful feeling and talked about how much she enjoyed it, but then later she said that washtime was just made more difficult/miserable. To me, that appears to be conflicting, so I would suggest modifying those sentences so they're not in contradiction to each other.
Also, for the sake of the other American readers, I would appreciate another definition of 'Sparky'. I googled it, and it gave two definitions-- lively, and an electrician. Honestly, I can see it going both ways here, although the first seems more likely, so if you could just directly state that so it's completely clear, even if it's just for my sake, that would be much appreciated!
Overall, this was a good story, especially for your first story in a while. I enjoyed the descriptiveness here, and although you're technically supposed to put a comma between all adjectives, I don't think it's a big deal here unless you're giving 3 or more adjectives. The British slang wasn't too overdone, and it helped make the story more realistic, except for one usage (Sparky), which I didn't understand. Good job on this, and if you have any questions, let me know and I'll try my best to help you figure it out!
Best wishes,
MJ
Hey MJ, thanks for the review. What gave you the impression that she was enjoying the washing and I'll correct that/make it explicit that she has mixed feelings?

Also Sparky is in-story slang. It has a meaning entirely unique to this world. If that's not obvious enough I could change it to something more mysterious sounding, but I'll check with the next reviewer if they assumed that was a British word.
Thanks again!
Thanks for clearing up the Sparky, I just assumed it was another British-American thing
Ah, okay. I'll reword that a little