z

Young Writers Society


18+

Off Court - Chapter 8.1

by ExOmelas


Warning: This work has been rated 18+.

A/N: Apologies for the short chapter; was an awkward split.

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Apparently Camillo was much happier to be alone with his thoughts than I was. He’d asked for a bit of space and I had given it to him, though I was terrified that when I saw him the next day his hand would be swollen to fuck from punching through walls. But I put this out of my mind as I walked back to the hotel. The California sun was hot when the wind died down. But it was only March, so the breeze was pretty constant.

It wasn't just the weather that had me in a good mood. Christina's flight would have got in about half an hour ago and her train would be just about to arrive. My whole body felt lighter at the thought of seeing her and I stood up straighter than normal. I didn’t want to just ramble at Christina regarding my thoughts of Camillo, though knowing her, she’d find my romantic ache wonderfully interesting. She’d been in a steady relationship since she was sixteen, and I didn’t think it was starting to bore her necessarily, but she certainly enjoyed hearing about my love life. She thought she’d hit the jackpot now that I seemed (to her) not only to be in love, but unrequited love.

I walked down the street locked in thoughts of worry about Camillo. Every time I stopped to cross a road, I considered getting my phone out to text him. But if there was one thing I’d learned about the charismatic Camillo Tamer over the last three weeks, it was that when he wanted to be alone, he really wanted to be alone. He thrived in company; it was like his lifeblood, but any intruder in his private space, even his friend, was treated like a snooping sports reporter.

By the time I’d reached the train station, I’d just about managed to let him go from my mind. The front of the building was tall and wide, with multiple arches that seemed to have developed a one-way system. People streamed in and out like herds of cows being marched from field to field.

I nipped across the final road crossing and hung around in the car park in front of the building.

“Léo!”

What the? Where was she? That had definitely been Christina. I looked to my left, then to my right, but couldn’t see her anywhere. Then a car horn blasted and I looked up at the road.

“Over here!” she shouted, leaning slightly out of her window as she drove into the car park in a little Ford hatchback.

I squinted as I walked to make sure it was definitely her, then practically sprinted the rest of the way once I was certain, dodging and apologising to cars I got in the way of. The engine stopped and she burst out of the door just as I got there.

“Hi!” she screamed, throwing her arms around me.

“Hey,” I murmured into her shoulder, squeezing her tight. “What the hell is this?”

She let go of me and grinned. “I finally got my drivers’ licence. Look, it’s a rental car!”

I took a quick look at it, but it was still only as interesting as a Ford hatchback had seemed on first glance.

"Seems fine." I shrugged.

She glared at me. "It's my first ever rental car. Just be happy will you?"

I giggled and said, "I am happy. I'm very proud of you in fact. I know you've been waiting for this for ages. But why did you tell me to meet you at the train station?"

She rolled her eyes and put an arm on my shoulder – which was impressive; our heights haven’t always allowed for that.

“I wanted it to be a surprise, dumbass!”

I smiled and felt like my heart was going to burst. I knew what this meant to her. After months and months of having to postpone her lessons because of illness and exams, she was finally able to drive wherever she liked.

She let go of my shoulder and started getting back into the car, gesturing for me to head around to the passenger’s side. The passenger side seat was really close to the dashboard and there was no way my lanky legs were going to fit in there. I had to spend ages adjusting the seat.

“You done?” she said with a raised eyebrow as I finally finished and put my seatbelt on.

“Yup.” I smiled at her, then realised we had started moving and asked, “Do you know where you’re going?”

“Your mum gave me the name of the hotel.”

She pointed at the Sat Nav which was already programmed with the route.

“Right, cool. Off we go then,” I said.

She grinned at me as we accelerated onto the main road. She finally had freedom at her fingertips.


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84 Reviews


Points: 350
Reviews: 84

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Tue Jul 18, 2017 4:03 pm
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DragonNoir wrote a review...



Hi! Dragon here for a review!

I'm doing this on me phone so it might not be as good, but I'll try my best.

I really like the character development here for both Leo and Camilo. Although, you could've communicated Camilo's development more implicitly, i.e. have Leo talk about a situation where Camilo said or did something to reflect what you want him to reflect.

The ending gives you a perfect recipe for either something amazing or a wasted opportunity. I think you know what I'm on about ;)

I personally want to see more of Christina's personality. Make the reader fall in love with her. Then, if you wish to have angry fangirls/boys at your doorstep, kill her off. I personally wouldn't recommend that because I don't want her to die because she's amazing, but it's your call.

As for technicality, I don't think there are any major mistakes, but there is one thing I noticed:
"By the time I’d reached..." I would change the "I'd" to just "I", it sounds better in my opinion.

Overall, a fabulously amazing chapter, but you could try communicating character development less explicitly.
I hope my review helped! :)




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235 Reviews


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Sat Jul 15, 2017 5:57 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, Bisc! Storm here for a surprisingly on time review, so let's get right into it!

I could hear bright, happy notes in my head when I thought about the fact that Christina’s flight would be getting in any moment now, and her short train journey would take less than twenty minutes to bring her to the town of Indian Wells.

This was just awkward and difficult to understand.

So this chapter was short. It's not bad, and I just LOVED the bit of Camillo characterization, I think it was an important bit in an otherwise rather uneventful chapter.

I am sorry to say that I'm a little bit disappointed. The writing seems to have regressed a little in this chapter, it's more awkward and stilted like the first few were. You had been pretty good about smoothing things out, but this one didn't have that. A read through and editing will fix it, but be very thorough on this chapter particularly.

I would have liked to see you do a little more with Christina and Leo's relationship, just some more dialogue so the readers would have understood the dynamic just that much more. Maybe a reference or allusion to childhood so we know how long they've been close and we know more about the history of their relationship.

Overall, I was a bit disappointed, but you did some good things with character development.

You know where to find me if you want to discuss any of the things I said.

~Storm




ExOmelas says...


First of all, apologies for the chapter length. It was an awkward split I'm afraid :/ (I think the chapter was about 2500 or so overall)

Hm... that's weird about my clunkiness. I'll go through it just now.




What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant?
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice