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Time Passes By

by Birdman


I stand there, all alone, except for my thoughts.
I wait for a companion who will never return to my side, who has left me for a brighter sky.
I never expect a reply to any of the letters I send, for I am dead to them and them dead to me.
I want nothing more than to return to how life was before, having someone to rely on.
I am in a trouble that I can not find a way out of, nor can I narrow it down.

I see the ships passing in the harbor, steam and smoke bellowing, clouding the air.
I hear the cries of the market people, the hustle and bustle, the shouts and pouts.
I smell the foul stench of this city and wish I wasn't alone in cleaning it.
I can almost taste the mixtures, the foulness of the smoke and the fairness of the clean air.
And I watch my timepiece, the hands rolling around, as time passes by.


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Points: 16
Reviews: 3

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Wed Nov 08, 2017 1:04 pm
Manila wrote a review...



Hi am Manila. Am here for a short review



First of all there's no emotions in this poem
With every poetry there's a feeling behind it
We should get the mood at which you used to write this poem

Secondly, the rhymes used in this poem don't bring much intensity in this poem
Although the rhyme scheme is not really important in a poem it is that which captures the attention of a reader


Reading your poem at the beginning was very boring which isn't good for you as a poet
You need a piece which would grab the attention of reader not one which when a reader take s he or she won't even read to the end because of it's boring nature


Also the punctuations are inaccurate
In poetry, it's not really necessary to puntuate
All that matters is that the reader gets the understanding of what you are trying to say
I say this because most of your punctuations we're wrongly used and with that the way a reader if not a good one reads , he or she might not get the understanding of it well.


Am not here to bring down your self esteem for writing this
Am only here to help make you a good writer


There's really the need for more improvement

In any case you should need help, you can contact me to help you out




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Sat Nov 04, 2017 5:53 am
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noelani2004 wrote a review...



Hey, my name is Noelani, and I hope you don't find this review offensive. First things first you have punctuation errors as well as flow errors. I get that your trying to say that times passing by, but your main idea isn't very clear. Also when I read the part where iy says "I see the ships passing on the harbor" witch makes sense and goes along with your main idea. Then when you say "I hear the cries of the market people, the hustle and bustle, the shouts and pouts," and "I smell the foul stench of this city and wish I wasn't alone in cleaning it" it doesn't go with the main idea which is of course time passing by. If this did somehow connect to the main idea you should have explained more effectively at the end. With that said thank you for writing. You are a wonderful writer. Please continue writing.:)




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Sat Nov 04, 2017 4:52 am
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Radrook wrote a review...



Here are the positives. The poem engages the visual, olfactory, and auditory senses of the reader via vivid imagery. The poem also very effectively conveys the speaker's emotional discomfort. There is absolutely no doubt that the speaker feels ill at ease. The speaker is disappointed because someone has left and doesn't reply to his/her letters. He or she wishes it wasn't so.

Then suddenly ships, foul smoke, a smelly city, and people crying out are introduced without telling us how they are related to the person having left and not wanting to return and re-establish the relationship.

There is the crux of the problem. The reader is not provided with any specifics and is left to conjecture about how these two descriptions are related if indeed they are related at all. The reader must assume that they are since the speaker seems to feel the need to mention them together as if they are.

By being forced to conjecture, the reader can't really become emotionally involved via judging the morality of the person who left because he doesn't know exactly why the person left. After all, he could have left due to infidelity, physical or psychological abuse, or just sheer nagging and incompatibility of character. Maybe he had asthma and all the smoke and smog form the ships forced him to leave while the one who is poetically complaining that he left didn't wanna budge. After all, just because the person complains doesn't mean that he or she has the moral high ground.

The one who left might also be uttering similar lamentations. So as readers we need to be provided with a reason to feel anger at the one who left. As it stands we are not given a reason to. Neither are we given a reason to assume that the one who is complaining isn't to blame or that the situation itself was justifiably intolerable.

Other suggestions:

I would also remove all unnecessary words for economy of expression. Poetry is a concentrated form of expression and if something doesn't add to the description because it is redundant the it only serves to weaken the poem by taking up unnecessary space.

Of course children's poems like Mary Had A Little Lamb or Row Row Row your Boat,can ignore this because they are written to entertain a very immature mind which enjoys chanting repetitions. But this poem is obviously directed at an adult reader who knows that the speaker is seeing and sensing and need not be repeatedly reminded that he is the one who is doing the sensing.

The fifth line of the first stanza I would omit altogether since it tends to tell and not show. I personally find the constant repetition of the pronoun "I" [15 times]unnecessary and distracting. Here is a way of removing at least two of those which reduces it to fifteen. Instead of: "...as them are to me." it's "....as they are to me."

I stand alone with my thoughts
waiting ‘for a companion who will never return,
a someone who has left me for a brighter sky.

I stand never expecting a reply to my letters
for I am dead to them and they to me.
I stand expecting to return to a prior life
with someone to rely on.

"Ships pass in the harbor...." would eliminate another "I".

The same technique can be used to eliminate the repetition of the other "I's"


I find the expression "....hands rolling around" non-descriptive and non-economical. The word "hands spinning" seems better but without the "around" part since that would be redundant.

The conclusion mentioning time passing by seems as if it were tagged on for want of something more relevant to the issue. After all, time goes by for everyone and all of us have to watch time pass by. But the difficulty in finding a more fitting conclusion is related to the lack of focus or specifics concerning the relationship and the cause or causes for the situation itself.

So the poem has potential if you provide us with a reason to care and reason's to feel outrage based on some crucial detail.




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Fri Nov 03, 2017 8:52 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Birdman! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
I stand there, all alone, except for my thoughts.
I wait for a companion who will never return to my side,
who has left me for a brighter sky. {Your biggest problem is that you don't separate lines. I will fix these for you}
I never expect a reply to any of the letters I send,
for I am dead to them and them dead to me.
I want nothing more than to return to how life was before,
having someone to rely on.
I am in a trouble that I can not find a way out of,
nor can I narrow it down.

I see the ships passing in the harbor,
steam and smoke bellowing, clouding the air.
I hear the cries of the market people{ -- }
the hustle and bustle, the shouts and pouts.
I smell the foul stench of this city and {I} wish {that} I wasn't alone in cleaning it.
I can almost taste the mixtures,
the foulness of the smoke and the fairness of the clean air.
And I watch my timepiece, the hands rolling around,
as time passes by.


My interpretation:



Someone has left you in pieces after a harsh breakup. That's what I take from it, anyways. The city metaphor is well done, great job.

Overall:



Like I said before, your main problem is with separating lines. However, I fixed them for you without interrupting flow and by my preference :P Keep up the great work!!

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Memories, left untranslated, can be disowned; memories untranslatable can become someone else’s story.
— YiYun Li