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12+ Violence

My life

by Beautifulsparkle


Bonbon rose with many thorns,

Born spectacularly, i suppose

Waking up the entire hospital

They’ve danced to my tune…

Skin red as a lobster and soft

With blue-green veins and tuft

A ridiculous squalling creature

With alas, no redeeming feature

Except for crystal baby blues…

Which turned into a murky colour!

A compassionate child at heart

Spoiled rotten, there’s no doubt

In a world of treacle, fairy floss

With brainwashing t.v. and class

Striving for perfection everywhere

But health-wise, sloth would reign.

Oh, be cursed my love for sweets

Be covered in onix tar and combust!

For I desired jellybeans for breakfast,

And gold, shimmery honey as a snack.

The longing got so strong, I ate and ate

Until my self-esteem started to fade…

Surrounded by protective walls aplenty

Such as my army of toys and my books

Creating that enchanting fairytale,

Staying voluntarily ignorant to life…

Than the sudden rapping pain

Could no longer be ignored!

When the jeers did not wane

I decided to stop acting bored.

The feral grey wolf in me was starved

For revenge, to bathe in ruby blood!

But my heart was not in it, I retreated

After making a mockery of myself,

And profoundly scaring the intended

Targets with nary a soul, or so it seemed…

As I grew my mistakes tripled and took form

They put me in a cage, tormented my soul

Scornful voices telling me poisoned bluffs

Which they dipped in honey to tentalize

But I’m a free bird now, out of the gilded cage

My ruthless enemies they rage and rage…


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167 Reviews


Points: 3680
Reviews: 167

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Sun May 31, 2020 12:57 am
JesseWrites wrote a review...



Hello,

I suck at poetry reviews, so take this with a grain of salt as I am not very experienced in this field of writing, or reviewing in this case.

Flow:

It is alright. The punctuation makes it a little awkward as it often changes with every line, but I see a pattern somewhere within there. (Mark 1, mark 2, mark 3, and repeat between those couple of marks.)

Although, a few aren't consistently placed.

Topic:

Does it vary?

Not really. Some parts are a little wonky.

This review was brought to you by,
Team Aubergine Leader, Haley




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211 Reviews


Points: 14593
Reviews: 211

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Sun May 31, 2020 12:53 am
whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hello Beautiful Sparkle, I'm here to review your poem, courtesy of review day!

My initial impression of this piece, before even reading much of it, is that it feels sort of intimidating. This is because it's one long chunk of text with no breaks. To make it easier to read and less, well, scary, I would really recommend using stanzas (which are like paragraphs for a poem). There are many ways to divide your poem into stanzas, and I've spoiled one below. However, you can divide it any way you like.

Spoiler! :
Bonbon rose with many thorns,

Born spectacularly, i suppose

Waking up the entire hospital

They’ve danced to my tune…

Skin red as a lobster and soft

With blue-green veins and tuft


A ridiculous squalling creature

With alas, no redeeming feature

Except for crystal baby blues…

Which turned into a murky colour!


A compassionate child at heart

Spoiled rotten, there’s no doubt

In a world of treacle, fairy floss

With brainwashing t.v. and class

Striving for perfection everywhere

But health-wise, sloth would reign.


Oh, be cursed my love for sweets

Be covered in onix tar and combust!

For I desired jellybeans for breakfast,

And gold, shimmery honey as a snack.

The longing got so strong, I ate and ate

Until my self-esteem started to fade…


Surrounded by protective walls aplenty

Such as my army of toys and my books

Creating that enchanting fairytale,

Staying voluntarily ignorant to life…

Than the sudden rapping pain

Could no longer be ignored!


When the jeers did not wane

I decided to stop acting bored.

The feral grey wolf in me was starved

For revenge, to bathe in ruby blood!


But my heart was not in it, I retreated

After making a mockery of myself,

And profoundly scaring the intended

Targets with nary a soul, or so it seemed…


As I grew my mistakes tripled and took form

They put me in a cage, tormented my soul

Scornful voices telling me poisoned bluffs

Which they dipped in honey to tentalize


But I’m a free bird now, out of the gilded cage

My ruthless enemies they rage and rage…


Again, that's just one way, and you can divide however you feel best fits with the message of the poem.

I also have a few grammar nitpicks that are really easy to miss, so I thought I'd point them out for you.
Born spectacularly, i suppose

"i" should be capitalized.

Be covered in onix tar and combust!

"o" in "onix" should also be capitalized.

Than the sudden rapping pain

"Than" should be "then".

Which they dipped in honey to tentalize

"tentalize" is spelled "tantalize".

One other minor detail is that you use quite a few ellipses (...). They aren't necessarily bad, and they can show how a thought trails away, however you use them 6 times throughout the poem which is probably a few too many. I would especially suggest that you don't end the poem like that, as it gives it an unfinished feel.

However, enough critiques! I really enjoy the language that you use throughout the poem. Some of my favourite lines include
And gold, shimmery honey as a snack.

Staying voluntarily ignorant to life…

When the jeers did not wane

But I’m a free bird now, out of the gilded cage

These lines showcase an interesting vocabulary and some very descriptive imagery.

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. I hope you found the review helpful, and if you have any questions please feel free to ask.

Keep writing!

whatchamacallit




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Points: 1553
Reviews: 25

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Sun May 31, 2020 12:19 am
KahleneTenorio wrote a review...



Hi, this Kahlene. I saw that this poem was in the green room so I thought I'd give it one.

This may be a short review.

This poem is truly beautiful, the whole thing flows together. This poem has emotion and a true spoiled brat's life. The way you laid out the life of the child and how you made them with true emotions is very pleasing to me. The poem also never dragged and good context, which I find very nice, one thing I dislike is a dragging poem and that have no context.

There isn't really anything I can complain about, suggest, or try to fix. This is a great poem, so like I said this may be short. Though I did enjoy reading this, I hope you continue to make more like this poem.

Anyway, I hope you have a nice day!





These were autumn mornings, the time of year when kings of old went forth to conquest; and I, never stirring from my little corner in Calcutta, would let my mind wander over the whole world.
— Rabindranath Tagore, The Cabuliwallah