Atlas closed her book and leaned back in her chair, tired of memorizing spells. She looked at her mood ring on her finger. It shimmered from purple to blue. Something rapped her window and she stood and crossed her bedroom to the window. Atlas pulled open the curtain and looked down the second story window to see Merrigan throwing pebbles.
Atlas opened the window and leaned out.
“Quit it, Merrigan.” She called down. A pebble hit her in the forehead. She rolled her eyes and sighed.
“I’m coming down.”
Atlas grabbed her spellbook and shoved it in her satchel. Taking the stairs two at a time, she made it downstairs, grabbed some sandwiches, and kissed her father goodbye.
“Study hard, honey.” Mr. Kirby said without looking up from his morning paper.
“I will dad.” Atlas said, racing out the door and carelessly leaving it open behind her.
Mr. Kirby waved his hand and the door swung shut behind her.
The morning air was cool but Atlas knew it would get warmer soon. She rounded the side of the house to look for Merrigan but only found a note. She unfolded it, already knowing what it would say. “The Tree”.
She crumpled it and shoved it into her pocket, heading in the direction of the old oak tree about a mile from the school. Atlas jogged down the street, waving at Mrs. Murphy as she went by. The oak towered above all of the houses in the neighborhood but Atlas wasn’t afraid of falling from it.
She climbed easily from branch to branch till she was sitting beside Merrigan, facing the school.
“Good morning” Atlas said, handing him a sandwich.
“Hey, thanks” Merrigan said. “Been studying for the Magnos Proeven?”
“My dad has been making me,” Atlas nodded. “He thinks I’m going to be the champion, even though I told him all I have to do is pass. It’s getting annoying.”
“Better than having both your parents pressuring you to win.” Merrigan sighed. Starting to play with Atlas’ long blonde hair.
“Oh, yeah. I’m sorry.”
“Well, since my brother won two years ago, it’s all, 'Merrigan, be more like Sanders', and, 'Merrigan, if you would just apply yourself you could be more like your brother.' I’m so sick of it.”
“Yeah, I know. I’ve seen it.” Atlas said, squeezing his hand. “But, just be you, ok? Besides, you have Aeros Magic and he had Hydris Magic. It’s hard to compare different types of magic.”
“You’re right. And, good thing you have Shayde Magic and not Aeros Magic too because we both know you’re better at magic than I am.” Merrigan laughed, his green eyes twinkling.
“You’re the top of your section Merrigan.” Atlas swatted him playfully. “C’mon, we better get to school.”
Atlas and Merrigan climbed down the old oak and headed off to school. The Faircrag Academy was the pride of Menta and the reason the little town was on the map. The first bell was just ringing as Atlas and Merrigan stepped into Mr. Clifton’s history class.
“Miss Kirby, Mr. Conroy. That was a close one....again.” Mr Clifton looked down his glasses at the two students.
“Sorry, Mr. C.” Merrigan mumbled and took his seat.
“Miss Kirby, what do you have to say for yourself?”
“Would you like a sandwich?” Atlas asked, and the whole class snickered.
“Your seat Miss Kirby.” Mr. Clifton said, pointing with his ruler.
Atlas sank into her seat, chuckling. The class pulled out their books, some levitating them, and some slamming them on their desk.
Suddenly, a flushed girl bursted into the room, holding a torn up history book.
“Sorry I’m late Mr. C., I forgot my book.” She said, breathless.
“Nice you could make it, Miss Westworth, take a seat.”
She took a seat by Atlas, still panting.
“Psst, Cassi.” Atlas whispered. “Cassiopia.”
Cassiopia turned, pushing her glasses back up.
“Hey, Atlas.” She said, carefully opening her book. “My brother was practicing Aeros Magic on my textbook. I caught him before he could totally destroy it.”
“Been practicing?”
“Not as much as I should be.”
“I’m sure you’ll do great.”
“Thanks, you too.”
“Well class,” Mr. Clifton said, “Since we have the Magnos Proeven coming up next month, our schedules will mainly be focused in our sections. Once the next bell rings, you will go to your sections to practice for the remainder of the month.”
Atlas, and Merrigan glanced at each other and made a face. That meant no more hanging out during school hours, and after school would consist of practice too. Atlas knew she wouldn’t be seeing much of Merrigan or Cassi until the Magnos Proeven was over.
The bell rang and students got up to head to their sections. Atlas found Merrigan and they walked down the hall toward the Aeros Magic wing or the A-wing. The Shayde Magic wing was just a floor above the A-wing which made it easier to walk to class together.
“Wait up!” Cassiopia called, squirming through students to catch up with the pair. Merrigan rolled his eyes.
“Give her a break Merrigan.” Atlas said.
“I’ll try, I think Cyrus is easier to get along with though.” Merrigan said.
“Hey guys.” Cassiopia said, “Have you seen Cyrus? I haven’t seen him since I stopped him from destroying my book.”
“I haven’t yet, but I’m sure he’s already in the A-wing.” Merrigan told her.
“Well, I have to go to the Lumina Magic wing. If you see my twin, tell him he’s in trouble when he gets home.” Cassiopia said, heading to the left at the end of the hallway.
Atlas and Merrigan turned right into the A-wing.
“Well, here’s my stop.” Merrigan said. “I’ll see you after school. I can stop by after dinner, okay?”
“Okay.” Atlas said. “Till next time?”
“Till next time.” Merrigan said, giving Atlas a quick wink before he walked in the classroom.
Atlas could feel her face getting red as she walked down the hall and up the stairs to the S-wing. She smiled, still thinking about her brown-haired, green-eyed boy. She entered the S-wing room to see most of her classmates already there. A boy smirked at her as she sat down.
“How’s your boyfriend doing?” He said, giving her a sly smile.
“He’s not my boyfriend, Oliver.”
“Sure, sure. Whatever you say.” Oliver said and pushed her spellbook off the table.
It clattered to the ground and a picture flew out of the pages. Oliver leaned down to pick it up.
“What do we have here?” He asked. He held up a picture of Atlas, Merrigan, Shay, and Glenn at the Stardust, a little cafe in town.
“Give it back, Oliver.” Atlas demanded, lunging for it.
“You want it? Come and get it.”
Oliver ducked behind the teacher’s desk and Atlas picked up her spellbook. She opened it up and looked for a summoning spell. She found one and quickly stepped in a shadow.
“Komen.” Atlas whispered.
Her mood ring turned from blue to purple as it absorbed the shadow and turned it into power. The picture slipped out of Oliver’s hand and flew into her hand instead of materializing in her shadow. She closed her spellbook, dumbfounded and looked up at Oliver.
Suddenly a slow clapping came from the direction of the door. Atlas froze, scared to look at Mr. Derne.
“Well done, Atlas, well done. Now you need to come with me.” Mr. Derne applauded her, but looked a little nervous.
Points:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
This is amazing, just amazing. Keep up the great work, I look forward to reading more on your work!
You want it? Come and get it.
Oliverduckedbehi theteacher’sdesk and Atlas picked up her spellbook. She opened it up and looked for a summoning spell. She found one and quicklysteppena shadow.
Komen. Atlas whispered.
Her mood ring turned from blue to purple as it absorbed the shadow and turnedt into power. Thepicture slipped out of Oliver’s hand and flew into her handinstead of materializing in her shadow. She closed he spellbookbfounded and looked up at Oliver.
Suddenly a slow clapping came from the direction of the door. Atlas froze, scared to look at Mr. Derne.
Well done, Atlas, well done. Now you need to come with me. Mr. Derne applauded her, but looked a little nervous.
The teasing you put in here was very cute and delightful. Very, very nice.
Thank you!
I suggest going more into detail about the spells she's memorizing. Talk about how and why it's boring for her. Does it take multiple tries to get a spell right? If you don't memorize a spell properly, does it mess up the actual result or does it just not work properly? Did the teacher/professor give them an assignment last week? yesterday? Did any students get into accidents for the spells she's studying? What kind of spells was she studying? Did she find any of them useful?
Talk about her bedroom too. Was the sun shining its light through the window? How big is her room? does she have a desk?
What does her mood ring look like? Is it made of silver, gold, or perhaps an entirely different material you made up? Is it a plain basic ring that changes its general color? or is its upper shank decorated with prongs, sidestones, and a crown for the marvelous gem that rests on it? What is her history with it? It's alright if you want to keep it a mystery for now, but I think you should at least give a very brief description of it and what she thinks of it.
When she gets downstairs, I think you should also describe its interiors, that way, us readers can see what kind of life they live. Does it look like a modern house? Does it look like an old one? Is the house magic? What did it smell like at the moment? Was the scent of coffee present? What could be heard? Were birds chirping?
Was the father sitting down a chair by the dining table, or on the sofa if they have one?
When did she climb the oak tree? How did she get up there? Did she go to the tree and climb up to the branches? Or are the branches reachable from the ground?
I also think you should state her seeing Merrigan first, then sitting beside him. Was the school located in the South or West?
This happens too fast. What does the school look like? Did they rush to school knowing they were going to be late? How many floors did the school have? Did they have a hard time getting there?
Since you're using "Mr." instead of "Mister" for Merrigan, I suggest you use "Ms." instead of "Miss" for Atlas.
If she was using a summoning spell, what exactly was summoned here? If you say it's the shadow, how is that a summon? The shadow has been there the whole time.
As for the "instead of materializing in her shadow," I'll assume that it's something Atlas can do because she uses Shayde magic (Shadow magic I assume), however, not everyone will understand that at this point of the book, considering it's still the first chapter.
I'm assuming that the ring has a gem on it, so is the shadow absorbed there? and is the gem the one that changes color or is it the shank? Make sure to add those details in the story.
Visualization is important. Painting a scene well with words will help the reader feel more immersed and connected with what he or she is reading.
I suggest you take it slow, by the way. This feels too short for a chapter, and too fast. The 1st half is enough for the 1st chapter, and the other half feels like 2nd chapter material. You'll need to lengthen them first before that though.
I hope this helps!
Thank you! This was extremely helpful!
Hello, and welcome to YWS! Excited to see what you've written
**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**
Grammar:
*dad,
*morning,
*thanks,
*Mr.
*C,
*burst
*Cassi,
*no comma after Atlas
*break, Merrigan,
*though,
*hey, guys,
*A-wing,
*stop,
*okay,
*time,
*Oliver,
*Komen,
*no comma after her
So most of your mistakes are to do with dialogue. The basic rule of dialogue is that you either end it with a comma, question mark, or exclamation point if you're continuing the sentence. If you are starting a new sentence, then you can use a period.
For example:
"I want it all," she whispered, "I want all of you." She looked into his eyes, watching them intently.
other than that, not many mistakes!
Story:
Okay, so it's hard to follow this story because it's mostly dialogue and it moves way too fast. Try adding more detail and thoughts and slow down the changing scenes, and it will help this a ton. The goal is to make the reader feel connected to your main characters by revealing things about them slowly through their thoughts and actions. Also, you should try to paint a picture for your readers when describing a setting or a person. To do this, use your five senses and add that into your writing!
Hope this helps, and welcome once again! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me or leave a message on my wall.
- Del
Thank you for the constructive criticism! I don't always catch these mistakes.
of course! Let me know if you want me to review when you put up the next chapters!