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The Fume Of Sighs

by BIHXY


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

PROLOGUE

Sweat glistened on Leonard's back in the dim moonlight that shone directly into his marital bedroom. A loud crash from the outside awoke him with a start and he instinctively pulled Viola to his chest careful not to hurt her protruding stomach for she was with child.

Signaling her to remain still, Leo tiptoed out of bed and grabbed his hunting gun off the wall. Gathering courage, he cocked it and opened the door.

"Who goes there?" He growled as deeply as he could.

An eerie silence slapped him right in the face in response. Realizing there was no one, he turned on his heel to go back to bed when he saw a slim shadow of a man cast on the wall opposite the nursery.

With shivers racing down his spine he walked over and just as he was about to reach the nursery, the man brushed past him at break neck speed down the hall, Leo could feel his heart pacer going crazy as he chased after the intruder.

The intruder was fast and Leo was no match for him. He ran out the door and into the night. Leo stood at the door breathlessly arms akimbo unable to make sense of what he had just seen.

With shaky hands, he latched the door and made his way back to the nursery. It was in apple pie order except for the little chairs the intruder had knocked over.

Even in his predicament, he cracked a smile at the immense beauty of the nursery his wife had set up for the incoming babies. Making up his mind to go and check on Viola and call the police, he turned to leave when he froze dead in his tracks.

On the table lay a letter addressed to him in bold lettering. He could almost taste his fear on his tongue as he recognized the handwriting. Gathering courage, he opened it and written inside was message that made his blood curdle. Written was, 'The wind at the graveyard calls your name and now a penance of fire is to be paid, 09-05-2004'

He broke into uncontrollable trembles and decided it was time he took Viola and left the god awful country. With tears pooling at his eyes, he half ran to his room.

Lying on the bed was Viola in a turbid mess of amniotic fluid. Her water had broken.


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Fri Apr 30, 2021 1:51 pm
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well first of all...just wow...this is a almost perfect prologue to have. Its got everything you could possibly want and its certainly does its job in getting the reader very much invested in the story right from the very beginning.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Sweat glistened on Leonard's back in the dim moonlight that shone directly into his marital bedroom. A loud crash from the outside awoke him with a start and he instinctively pulled Viola to his chest careful not to hurt her protruding stomach for she was with child.


OOooh, we're starting off in quite dramatic fashion here...oh wow....well...definitely works very well as the start of a prologue that's for sure. You can't ask for much more when it comes to attention grabbing first paragraphs.

Signaling her to remain still, Leo tiptoed out of bed and grabbed his hunting gun off the wall. Gathering courage, he cocked it and opened the door.

"Who goes there?" He growled as deeply as he could.


Okay...I see we're going in with the maximum intimidation points technique, oh well...let's see how it works out for him here.

An eerie silence slapped him right in the face in response. Realizing there was no one, he turned on his heel to go back to bed when he saw a slim shadow of a man cast on the wall opposite the nursery.


Oh well...that's most definitely not a good thing.

With shivers racing down his spine he walked over and just as he was about to reach the nursery, the man brushed past him at break neck speed down the hall, Leo could feel his heart pacer going crazy as he chased after the intruder.


Oh well...at least the intruder's running away. I think that's supposed to be a good thing for the time being.

The intruder was fast and Leo was no match for him. He ran out the door and into the night. Leo stood at the door breathlessly arms akimbo unable to make sense of what he had just seen.

With shaky hands, he latched the door and made his way back to the nursery. It was in apple pie order except for the little chairs the intruder had knocked over.


Okay...well that ended far better than I thought it would.

Even in his predicament, he cracked a smile at the immense beauty of the nursery his wife had set up for the incoming babies. Making up his mind to go and check on Viola and call the police, he turned to leave when he froze dead in his tracks.


On second thought...maybe not such a good ending after all...notes left by people that don't bother to mess with anything around the house are generally not nice ones commenting on how beautiful a nurser is.

On the table lay a letter addressed to him in bold lettering. He could almost taste his fear on his tongue as he recognized the handwriting. Gathering courage, he opened it and written inside was message that made his blood curdle. Written was, 'The wind at the graveyard calls your name and now a penance of fire is to be paid, 09-05-2004'


Well...this prologue is off to a cracking start. This is the kind of thing that's perfect to include in a prologue...because the mystery level here is going right off the charts.

He broke into uncontrollable trembles and decided it was time he took Viola and left the god awful country. With tears pooling at his eyes, he half ran to his room.

Lying on the bed was Viola in a turbid mess of amniotic fluid. Her water had broken.


Aaand why not...add a little bit more trouble and danger into the equation...why not indeed...

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this was a really nice little start here. It was quite interesting to read. Sounds like its gonna end up being a quite a good story. Anyway, that's all I've gotta say for now.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




BIHXY says...


Thank you so much for this very detailed review . I am truly grateful and overwhelmed with joy that you deemed my work worthy of praise. Thank you once more



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Thu Apr 29, 2021 7:01 pm
stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



Holy sh-

That's one hell of a way to start a chapter 0-0

The action was thrilling, the description was clear, never too cluttered and always flowed nicely, and the overall story perfectly balanced out suspense so as to make for a gripping opening.

I nevertheless feel like too much was kept in the shadows, for a prologue or an opening chapter to a novel, it's fine. As this little chapter works very well in hooking the audience. But if this is a standalone short story, way too much was kept in the dark. I barely know any of the characters, and there are a ton of mysteries I'd love to see unravel, but I can't. A short story should always have a resolution, not end on a cliffhanger where nothing is revealed.

Who are the characters ? What does the paper mean ? Why is he so afraid of the paper ? Who was the man that came ? What is Leonard's backstory ? No one knows. And we've got too little material to figure it out on our own.

A loud crash from the outside awoke him with a start and he instinctively pulled Viola to his chest careful not to hurt her protruding stomach for she was with child.


"For she was with child," okay I'm kinda nit-picking here, but it felt like it was added so as to introduce exposition. (Exposition about the characters, here, that she has a child.)
Since he's careful with her belly, it could be an additional hook- why is he so careful ? is it a child or something else ?
And it could keep us wondering until he states that her water broke. So truly, it's a line that is not needed.

I hope you continue this short story, I really enjoyed the premise and can't wait to see more of this universe (or other universes) from you <33




BIHXY says...


Heyy thanks for the review!! This novel is not a stand alone but it's a trilogy. I'm glad that you loved it and I apologise for any lack of clarity but it is intended. More light is to be shed in the coming chapters. Thank you once more for appreciating my work




"It's not nice to roast people when they're out of comebacks."
— Tuckster