Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic


The Confession Box

by BIHXY


Rubbing my sweaty palms across my jeans,

I get up from my seat to proceed to the confession box,

The confession box is where I am to confess my sins  in the presence of a priest,

I feel people's eyes burning through my back,

As I weave through the pews,

The choir seems to stop singing their hymn of sorrow,

The baby of the young couple that screams every mass,

Is really silent right now,

My heels loudly clack on the pristine floors,

My heart beats uncontrollably fast,

Why does the confession box look so far away?

I cannot turn back now,

With the bile rising in my throat and my brow slick with sweat,

I arrive in the box,

Knees dropping on the cushion,

Fingers to  my forehead to make the sign of the cross,

I notice that the priest's voice sounds familiar,

Doing the most unorthodox of things,

I peep through the wire mesh,

Why it is myself seated on the other side!

Tear logged I get up and walk out,

The people's eyes no longer burn through my back, 

For I have set myself free, in that confession box.

Bihxy


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1011 Reviews


Points: 120515
Reviews: 1011

Donate
Thu Sep 03, 2020 5:15 am
alliyah wrote a review...



I think the "surprise" at the end was an intriguing concept; but I think the title gave away what was going to happen a little bit! Also from a technical catholic standpoint - one can not absolve themselves which is why even priests will often have confessors who they can seek Christ's absolution from - in part because that really defeats the purpose of a confession to begin with. In the story you've presented the person hasn't really freed themselves at all, as we don't have the ability to loose ourselves from sin. I know you weren't going for religious accuracy here, but I'm just pointing out the metaphor is a bit messy and I think if your target audience is people who can relate to the religious imagery it might be hard for them to get past the mechanics of your metaphor not quite fitting. I would disagree with the reviewers who thought it was hard to follow though - I think you did a pretty good job explaining through the actions exactly what the speaker was doing and what was going on.

One area of improvement is you could spend a bit more time on the "why" of this poem -> why did the person so badly need self-forgiveness; why were they denying that to themselves? I actually wonder because of the long-winded descriptions if this poem might be better off as a prose-poem or short story? You've got great imagery and snappy emotion that comes through the whole piece, but the very long lines and the way the events are being described makes it feel much more narrative than poetic for me.

I think if you want to keep it as a poem, another area to work on would be in flow - if you can condense this piece quite a bit - I think poetically it'd be more impactful by getting all the content at once rather than drawn out dramatically. Also if you can get the lines to be more consistent in their lengths it'll go a long way in helping out the flow.

I thought your phrasing and word choice seemed like it fit the piece; it came across a bit like a fable where the narrator was trying to teach a lesson to the audience, which I think is what you were going for.

All the best,

alliyah

Happy RevMo!




User avatar
21 Reviews


Points: 176
Reviews: 21

Donate
Sun Aug 30, 2020 11:31 am
View Likes
BIHXY says...



hey , this poem is about self forgiveness. the concept may be hard to understand for non catholics but there is nothing deeply religious here just symbolism. the confession box was a way of the persona to find peace and she thought she would find it from someone else but she actually finds it in herself. thank you for taking time to read!




User avatar
85 Reviews


Points: 3234
Reviews: 85

Donate
Sun Aug 30, 2020 11:07 am
MoonIris wrote a review...



Hi BIHXY,
I'm here with a review. I think your poem is very nice. It explains how it is to go to the confession box at the church. I think it can be a little confusing as it doesn't have stanzas. I also don't see a melody to it either. I think you could work on that. I believe it could be a little confusing for people who are a different religion. Maybe you could enter a little explanation of what it is. Something like "The confession box, the place where I say my wrongs". It's just an idea that might make it clearer.
As for grammar, I found one little mistake.
"Why, it is myself seated on the other side!"
There is no need for the comma after why.
I hope my review helped you,
MoonIris




BIHXY says...


hey, thanks for the review. i will work on the points you have cited.



MoonIris says...


I'm glad that I could help.



User avatar


Points: 332
Reviews: 2

Donate
Sun Aug 30, 2020 1:15 am
meloncalling wrote a review...



Although slightly hard to follow for me, the overall idea of the poem is very moving. It is a poem about finding yourself and forgiving yourself for all your misdeeds. Once one realizes they have regrets and they have done wrong, they can turn around and fix those bonds. This is a wonderfully written poem, with great form. However, again, there were some hard to follow parts. There is symbolism in here that I do not understand. In addition, I believe this poem could fit as a story as well.

To recap:
-Beautifully structured
-Hard to follow symbolism
-Could do the idea more justice in a different format

:) -Admim




BIHXY says...


hey there!thank you for the feedback. i am so sorry for the confusion. i have made an adjustment in the third line that explains what i am talking about.



meloncalling says...


That's actually a lot better!




“Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents!”
— Little Women