Young Writers Society

Hey there, all the novels I follow have gone quiet recently so I figured I'd drop by the Green Room and see what's going on here.

First of all, I'm gonna take a guess and say that all the grammatical anomalies are there on purpose. Starting with "just numb" is a pretty clear statement that your speaker is far too, well, numb to worry with such petty concerns as grammar.

The other effect I get from your structure is the very very fast paced. This is very clearly rushed which suggests a sort of franticness from the speaker, I think.

That's kind of all I could really understand from it though. Let me explain how I think you could enhance it.

Firstly, just a bit more. I get that this is a very sudden burst of emotion, and that does have its impact, but it's much more impactful if you get me to care about the speaker and what's going on in their lives. I will think about this more through my day after I've read it if there is a reason for me to be heartbroken about this character's pain. Has their life been particularly hard? Are they a particularly good person that I can identify with a sense of injustice with?

What this could be is a piece of poetry. Generally you need less specific context with poetry and it's more about the emotion. I think if you converted this into free verse but had line breaks in jarring places you could keep the sense of urgency and disconnect but also avoiding the dissatisfaction of lack of information.

Finally, I really don't think this qualifies as a script. There are no characters, no dialogue, no scenes. To me, this is just poetry.

Hope this helps in some way and that you're having a nice day,
Biscuits

Not exactly sure what it's supposed to be. I expected a script to a play, but now I'm left confused.

Was it meant to be a poem? If so, it should be in lines. A song? Also should be in lines if so. Just prose? If it's meant to be prose, there are lots of punctuation errors that need fixing. So yeah, I'm not really sure what to think or say. If you clarified it a bit, I might be able to write a better review.