My commitment to find her
comes with great suffering.
Not once have I found this journey to be easy.
For her sake, I didn’t want to
but I laughed, at her terribly poor jokes,their innocence forced my smile open
cried, when she scared me off with her frankness and yelled at the ripples that her skipping stone presence caused in my quiet life-pool,
turning into wild waves
pervading the air with distress and disorientation in my tranquil sky.
Because of her I destroyed my heart,
my body slogging away to deserve her love and
without hurrying ,steadily I destroyed the world ,bombarding it with my somber words, and rebuilt it in one poem at a time.
Still,
Still,I'm only really alive when I'm listening to the
mixtapes we made and the playlists we added on
each other’s youtube,watching her insta posts, which have captions still revolving around our love .
Her soul was too deep to explore by those who always swam in the shallow end,who kept on drifting from one bank of this deep stream to the other .
Love is an untamed force.
Uncontrollable,unfathomable,Inexplicable.
Which is why, I did, what I did
breaking my stride
yet I couldn’t imagine conquering this juggernaut.
The ones who try ,have all but failed,
left estranged and lost at sea.
Just glance around and you will find a Devdas drunk in his madnesswhich he mistook as love
Understand that love never keeps a woman
from reaching the pinnacle of other pursuits .
If you abandon the search and close yourself off,
it might be because that wasn't true love,
the love that speaks the language of the
world.which won’t make you slit your wrists
or turn away when someone who has cut open theirs,
won’t leave you warm in the throat and dead inside,
writhing in some alley with a bottle in your hand
Don’t blame love when you misunderstood it.
Love has her ways to find you.
Don’t rush into someone’s arms just because they were open.
Let your heart and mind feel and beat in rhythm.
It will be painful in its growth
Cry in the pain, but, always alone
Let another soul discover you
It might take years
yes ,my dearest, years
of waiting vaguely
Unaware of feelings
And sometimes overpowered by them
in your dark corners.
Believe me, dear ,after longing,
anguish , frustration, anger,
you will find the demon hanging on the hanger
about to break apart
Dripping with blood
Run, my dearest ,run now
accept it and embrace it
let it crawl
close to your wrecked beating demon
and fix each other's shattered pieces.
Let the demons dance in sync and attain their
magnificent, most awaited resonance as their victory song.
This mutual recognition of life's ultimate mystery
that liberating metaphysical truth,
exposing the treasure chest buried deep down
in some corner of the universe
transcending anything and everything relative.
Embrace this beautiful demon
This is your soulmate
Waiting for ages
Struggling against the boredom round the clock
Waiting for this moment
To feel this exotic, divine,and rarest of the phenomena
Surpassing the beauty of Aurora Borealis,
and any luminescent nebula
Bolder and fiercer than the strongest of the oceans.
Lustre,far magnificent than the waves on full moon night,
Far More soothing than the beach's breeze
More yours than your life
And dearest,
That's the Love of your life.
P.S: A spoken word.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Okay, first off, I have to address this before finishing the poem... But you DO NOT need to have those slash marks there! I understand that they are meant to tell someone that that is the end of one line and the beginning of another. But, seeing as for the majority of your poem you visually made the lines separate, to have those marks are unnecessary and a distraction.
Finishing the poem, I can tell it's personal. So, even if I had anything else to comment on I wouldn't. It's the personal things that sting the most when someone else tries to correct it. Anyway, other than my little rant I have nothing to say.
Keep up the good work.
Thank you, but it's not personal%uD83D%uDE0F
Sorry, It just felt like it was.
And am glad for that I was able to pen down something which made readers feel that its my firsthand experience.
*cracks knuckles* been seeing a lot of these in the green room today, figured I'd do my best to clear them out. Anyway, don't take this review to heart, but let's get to it.
Ah, spoken word. It's not a favourite of mine but it goes hand in hand with rap, so I'll do a mixed review.
First, let's talk about flow.
Okay so what we have here is two types of flow. Now this would either be a reall quick pace, but since you stated the slashes are pauses, I'm assuming they're slower. Now if this is the case, the main problem is this- syllables. Syllables can make or break the poem. If this is slow paced, your flow is all over the place. Your lines don't add up and the speaking part itself just feels rather weird read aloud- which is what i was doing while reading this to see if i could pick up some sort of tempo- which i wasn't really able to do. As spoken word, I don't really see it working unless you really do some work to the flow.
Now, since this is spoken word, it's a bit different. I would suggest adding powerful metaphors that relate to the emotional words you have here. One thing I don't like is grocery shopping your poem- listing off a bunch of emotional stuff that's supposed to give the reader an impact(which it does- it punches them in the face and grabs them in a headlock so they can't really do much besides what you tell them- which isn't that great as a poem.)
Anyway, a lot of people might find this a really great poem- but in my honest opinion, there's what you like, what the people like, and what,"Poets," like. What the difference is, you write what you want, people like what they relate to, and poet's are critics. Which, I could be either or, I'd just like to see this piece go farther.
Anyway, I hope this helped and you can find me around if you need help or have questions.
Keep on doing what you're doing.
Sincerely, Casanova.
Thanks a lot, will try to improve.
Hi there Asciarp and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review.
My first impression of this poem is that it's long. That's not necessarily bad, but I find as I read it that it drags on a bit. I think it starts off strong, with some sharp images of a love gone bad. However, it then shifts to the idea of finding a beautiful true love, which is a nice and hopeful message, but the images used to describe this true love feel more vague and repetitive. I would cut down on some of the metaphors you use towards the end.
One thing I'm confused about: are the slashes supposed to represent line breaks? You have line breaks, but then you have slashes in odd places and I'm not sure why you don't just hit enter.
I love these lines, but I think there's an "I" missing before "cried".
I like these lines, how they work in modern technology into the timeless theme of nostalgia for an old love. It feels like a specific image, which is why I think the first part of the poem is stronger than the second.
This is one of those vague phrases I was referring to. I feel like I've read this before. Also, if love is inexplicable, then why are you trying to explain it?
This is better to me. The dark imagery is a strong contrast with the ideals of love and really drives home the point that the speaker has only known madness.
"Were" should be "are". Other than that, I think these lines would make a strong ending. After this point is where the piece starts to feel repetitive.
In future revisions, I would look at what are your strongest ideas and cut what feels overused, boring, or repetitive. Welcome again and keep writing!
Thanks for the review. The slashes are for pauses.I need to work on the imagery I have used in last part cause I too think it to be overused and nothing unique as I wanted my poem to be. I'll surely try to work upon the things suggested.