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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Alyssa Stewart and the Mystery of the Scarlet Orb: Chapter Three: Vorshevky--the"Know-it-all"

by Aritra


Alyssa had been lying awake on her bed, since dawn. The dream had make her dizzy. She felt tired, but she did not want her first day at Elderwoods begin with a late rising. 

She casted an askance on the wall clock. It was almost 6 o' clock. The rains had probably stopped, for its sound was no more heard.

The clock went on ticking in a irksome manner. Alyssa looked this side and that. No one seemed to be awake. 

Alyssa stood up from her bed. Suddenly, she shuddered remembering that she had forgotten to call her Mom after reaching Elderwoods.( which her mom insisted thousand times.)

Alyssa took her phone out from the bag and dialed her mom. She did not receive the call though. She must have been busy.

Now, Alyssa had nothing to do. She slowly walked towards the balcony door. As she opened the door she saw the most beautiful scenario she could imagine.

Elderwoods was indeed a very beautiful place. On the farthest east, the sky was being tinged with purple, that was gradually turning pink, while the rest of the sky remained a darker shade of blue.

The mountain ranges on the west, remained dark covered with bluish fog and mists. Their peaks were very slightly visible above the foggy air.

The castle grounds were glad in morning tears. The rains last night made the scenario even better.

The rains left no sign of theirs. The sky was cloudless. The farthest corner of the east was now turning red.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Alyssa knew not when Jefferina came standing by her.

Alyssa said brightly, "It is. It's so charming, no?"

"You're Alyssa aren't you?"

Alyssa nodded her head with a smile on her cheeks.

"And you are Jefferina, I suppose."

"You may call me Jeff, that's my nickname."

"As you wish."

"I hope we can be friends."

"Of course, we can be. Why not?"

***

Alyssa and Jeff hurried through the third floor corridor. The peeped through doors on either side, to see if was Prof. Skyrie's classroom.

They had been late, awfully late. Other girls of archaeology had left for the class a while before.

Now, the corridor was empty. Everyone's been to their respective classes. Wondering through the third floor, Alyssa realised that they were lost; there was no one to show the. To Skyrie's class.

Until a boy came running. He belonged to the science stream, for he was carrying a large, heavy Chemistry textbook with him.

"Excuse me! Can you please show us to Prof. Skyrie's class? We are already late, and moreover, now we are lost here." Alyssa pleaded to him.

The boy casually replied, "Her class is on the fourth floor. Cross the corridor, and you will find a large hallway. And, then the third door to your left."

The boy entered into his class as Alyssa and Jeff thanked him politely.

The large, hallway that the boy was talking about, was shut. Closed and triple-pivoted, there was no way to get into. 

"Are you getting the impression, that he bluffed all of it."

"Surely, I do." Alyssa replied.

"What are you two doing there?" It was Mr. Wesley. They were saved, finally.

Wesley showed them to Skyrie's class on the second floor.

Skyrie was in the middle of her introductory lecture, as Alyssa and Jeff hurriedly rushed in.

"May I know the reason for you being late to my very first class?"

Alyssa found herself a seat beside red cheeked girl with black hair, and replied," We were lost, Professor."

Skyrie seemed to soften but she did not. "You must not be late from the next day. Be in time or I will not allow you to attend my class."

Jeff and Alyssa looked at each other. They were blaming the boy who misguided them.

"So, where were we?"

"Archaeology is deemed with supernatural..." the girl beside Alyssa prompted.

"Yes, I do remember. Thank you, Miss Vorshevky." Skyrie spoke," So, as you all know, this subject, has supernatural as a major part of it. Take for example, Defense against Curses, which I teach. It's all supernatural. And, to get past this supernatural, you need to work hard, really hard. Especially, you got to be serious about my subject." Skyrie stopped for a while, the she spoke in threatening voice," Or you may not survive in the long run."

She opened up a large, hard-binded book on the table in front of her. "All of you open your textbooks to page 32."

"Now, let me see, whether you have studied anything about curses, before coming to Elderwoods! Do you know what a Anephralus curse is?"

None of the students seemed to react. They sat like wax-statues, for none of them felt it a necessity to go through their textbooks, before their first class.

"No one!" Skyrie exclaimed, disappointed. Suddenly, her face sparkled with a smile, " We have got a hand, at last."

The entire class casted their attention on Alyssa's bench. Not at Alyssa, but at the Russian girl seating beside her, Vorshevky. She is the one who raised her hand.

Now, she stood and as if she was the author of their Defense against Curses textbook, answered, "It is a kind of curse inflicted by some artifacts, discovered from Asia Minor. In this curse, the victim hallucinates to be mortally wounded, while he is not. It may ultimately lead to death, if not treated appropriately."

The entire class was amazed. Some students started passing comments. Prof. Skyrie seemed mesmerized and petrified. She said," Very good" and asked Vorshevky to take her seat.

When her charm faded away, Skyrie turned to the class and told, "See some people are studying hard, like Elena. And definitely, she will be rewarded." She took a deep breath and you, start studying, right from today, otherwise, the consequences will be" she stopped,"adverse!"

"What is a Crockenworg curse? And why is it named so?"

Once again, Vorshevky alone, raised her hand mid air and waved it. Permitted by Skyrie's gesture, she began her answer," Crockenworg is a lethal curse inflicted by some supernatural beings called Waddaras. An archaeologist of the nineteenth century named Crockenworg was the first victim of the curse. Hence, this curse is known as Crockenworg Curse ."

Skyrie was unable to find words to say. So she only said," Excellent!" and burdened everyone with a three day worth homework for her next class.

***

The Banquet Hall was the noisiest place imaginable. Alyssa and Jeff found themselves a seat at the back. A group of boys and girls wer sitting beside them. They were having a noisy and clumpsy discussion, topic of discussion-- Elena Vorshevky !

Whether she is a robot or a ghost or had installed a hard disc in her brain!

Vorshevky was sitting on a table before them, having her breakfast. She had already begun acquiring admirers, who gathered round her, praising her. Some of them tried to be her friends, only to be benefitted in their studies.

Alyssa inserted a butterd loaf of bread into her mouth as she spoke with Jefferina , "I think she has studied selective. Somehow, it ironically matched with the question that Skyrie asked us."

Jeff seemed disappointed. She was not willing to accept the argument that Alyssa put forth. She said,"Ah, I don't think it to be so!" she paused,"maybe just she's one of those "Know-it-alls". 

"May be, she is!"

They finished their breakfast discussing.

While wiping her hands Alyssa saw that boy-- the boy who had tricked them.

"Jeff, look!" she tried to point at the boy, who was near the exit of the hall,"Is n't he the one we met this morning?"

"I bet he is." Jeff seemed sure as she tried to follow Alyssa.'s finger direction.

"Look he,'s getting away."

"No, he's not. After me!" 

Alyssa bolted towards the exit of the hall. Jeff, not sure what to do, blindly followed Alyssa.

Alyssa and Jeff followed the boy as he went upstairs. Upto the second floor they had no trouble chivying him. But at the second floor corridor trouble showed up. The corridor was a HUGE one. It was many a times larger than any other corridor in Elderwoods castle. And, the corridor was litted with students. Most of them were in a rush downstair. Alyssa and Jeff were being surged backwards by the overwhelming crowd, as they struggled their way through the corridor.

Getting past the corridor, they ran leftwards where they last saw the boy. Alyssa hoped to get a glimpse of the boy's curly hair and white laboratory robes, but she couldn't .

Finally, they gave up, and stopped panting on one side of the lengthy passageway.

There was a doorway in front, which was painted in charming red colour. It bore a golden plate on it with the curving:

HALL OF THE HISTORICALS

"What on earth might this Hall of the Historicals be, Alyssa? Any idea?"

"None!"

"Let's have a look. What do you say?"

Alyssa had no time to reply. Jeff had already pushed in.

It was large hall. On the opposite, they saw a huge glass pane, through which sunlight came in, lightening a part of the room. Still, a light and dark atmosphere prevailed inside. Across the hall, just in front of the glass pane, stood a large statue curved out of silver. It looked like an ancient God.

Alyssa strutted into the hall stood by Jeff.

"This looks like some kind of storage hall, no?" Jeff asked.

Alyssa did not reply, instead she launched a counter question, "Have you seen these relics?"

Indeed, they were relics. Strangely curved, precious, valuable and most importantly, some of them were powerful. They were placed upon dwarf pillars, safeguarded by glass. The pillars were lined around the hall. An elliptical metal plate was attached to each of them for identification of the artifacts, as well, they bore the names of the people who discovered them.

Alyssa and Jeff strolled by the relics, one by one. At the middle of the hall, Alyssa's attention was snatched onto a artifact in the left row. The metal plate bore the names:

THE IPHONY DAGGER

Discovered by: Dr. H. Stewart (1994)

Alyssa stood beside it, as if petrified. She felt a strange sort of feeling in her heart---one combined of joy and deep agony.

Jeff's call brought her back into life,"Let's go back, Alyssa. It's time for the next class."

Alyssa's mind leaped back from down the memory lane to the present with a shudder. She had found a piece of her father's discoveries, at the Hall of the Historicals. She was glad beyond limits. She waved her hand softly over the curving of her father's name on the metal.

" 'Re you all right, Alyssa? What is it, dear?" 

"This dagger," Alyssa spoke,"The Dagger of Iphony, this was discovered by my dad, Jeff. I am so happy they have it in the Hall of the Historicals. He....." her throat choked.

Jeff went through the curving on the plate and exclaimed, "Dr. H.Stewart. Your father? Really, Alyssa? I mean you happen to be his daughter, is it?"

Alyssa nodded. Suddenly both regained their conscience back.

"Damn it!" Alyssa exclaimed,"We are being late for the next class." She marched back to the doorway. Jeff followed her.

"What class is it now?" Jeff enquired.

"Ethnic mechanisms, I suppose." Alyssa replied as she shut the hall door softly and ran upstairs.

***

Ethnic Mechanisms class was scheduled on the fifth floor. The classroom was a large one, with large windows. The room was airy and lightened as a result. 

The cracked large,old castle door opened squeakily as a young, spectancled lady in a black robe entered into the class. She was pretty and good-looking.

The lady walked upto the table across the room and said, "Good morning, everybody. I am Nemaire Norm. I will be teaching you about the Ethnic Mechanisms." She threw her ponytail hair backwards as she sat down.

Alyssa placed her textbook at the Contents page and looked around the classroom.

The walls of the room was covered with pictures, most of them were of ethnic mechanisms and machines. One such laminated picture was also placed on Norm's table.

"Let's begin with something simple, shall we? Let us begin with this one, a Nictosrompe Apparatus?" Norm picked up the photo frame from the table and raised it high up in the air.

Now, Alyssa could clearly see the picture of the appartus. It was one of the most complicated structures she had ever seen.The mechanism contained numerous platforms, wooden wheels, some rods, and some cages(who knows why they had cages in the mechanism), all of which were linked at the center. Moreover, the entire apparatus was designed to revolve around a single compartment at the center, but in separate axial plaines.

"If this thing is simple, what is complex?" Alyssa exclaimed. This was the question that rwas revolving in the minds of many others as well.

"That is what complex is." Norm pointed to a photo on the wall.

Alyssa swallowed as she looked at it. This apparatus took after a pitch black cylinder. And, it consisted of of countless scales, pivot, hinge, platforms, swingers, grapple rings, giant swirling axes, large flamethrowers, and even huge fissures to shoot arrows from!

"That one is the most complicated mechanism discovered till date. It is known as a Savoy Apparatus., after the name of Mrs. Savoy who first fathmed this devilish apparatus at the Pholiation Tomb in Indonesia, in 2007." Norm spoke.

"Now let's get back to this simple one. Do you know what is the other name of this mechanism?"

Only one hand raised in the air. And doubtless of course, it was Elena Vorshevky.

"Tornecruise Pivot Mechanism." she said.

"Absolutely correct! Fantastic, what's your name?"

"Elena Vorshevky."

" I see. Very good, indeed. Be seated." Norm said. 

Then she asked name of another mechanism whose picture hung from the wall----it was a wall mechanism with huge cogs tethered to a plunging waterfall.

Vorshevky answered this one as well.

"Oknoir plunge apparatus, is n't it?"

"Of course, it is."

Prof. Norm was definitely impressed with her. After all, every teacher likes a "Know-it-all" student.

Norm had reached upto the working principle of the Nictosrompe halfway, as the class ended.

"At least, she's better than Skyrie. Who knows when we are gonna be finishing that homework she gave!" Alyssa said to herself as she left the class and went off for Ancient Emblems.

***

The Ancient Emblems classroom was not as large as the Ethnic Mechanisms class. It was rather smaller in width, but longitudinally it was extensive.

From the wall to the right of the teacher's table, hung a curtain-like piece of cloth. It was red in colour and striped with orange. At the center lie the point of interest--an ancient emblem. A tilted square, with four arms produced towards each corner.

At the center of the square was an open eye, purplish in colour. Alyssa started feeling curious about what the emblem signified. She hoped the professor would explain it that day. But instead, the professor, Mrs. Maryllene Stefy, began her class without any introduction.

"Today, you will be learning about a basic, although important emblem in archaeology. This emblem were in use by a ethnic tribe of Russia, Khodynt Yukaghir. After this tribe became extinct due to breakout of epidemic plague in mid-seventeenth century, many of their secret tombs and temples were found. It is said that those people were using this emblem as a means to script path to their tomb entrances...."

Needless to say, the exact same thing repeated itself. Stefy asked a few questions, Vorshevky answered everything, and she had become the ultimate "Know-it-all" at Elderwoods.

Alyssa's day had not been bad, though. Save for the trouble she and Jeff faced to arrive at Prof. Skyrie's class, her day was a nice one.

'This is what my father was years back, a student of archaeology, like I am now." Alyssa thought as she went to bed.

It started to seem now, that her dream had started to take shape. Alyssa Stewart had ventured on the way, already, through the doorway, to her dreams.


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47 Reviews


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Tue May 23, 2017 12:43 pm
Birdman wrote a review...



Hey there Aritra. Birdman dropping by to help rescue your work from the back of the green room.

1. The previous reviewer focused more on your characters and your detail, so I'd like to take a big step back to the formatting itself. I don't understand the separating out all of the lines of text because it really isn't needed. You occasionally need paragraphs to keep everything together and the separate lines make the chapter painful. Purposely putting each thing on a different line makes the reader think there's some symbolism in it, but there was nothing that I could find here. The lines are easily collapsed bigger groups, an organizing method that has worked good for centuries, and I think you should consider it.

2. On a very similar topic, your dialogue and its tags need quite a bit of work. I don't usually approve of dialogue tags but you need to implement some here, as well as take them out of other spots. Take the piece in the quote below for instance.

"That is what complex is." Norm pointed to a photo on the wall.

The two really short sentences that don't say much, right next to each other, destroys the little flow your chapter had going. It also doesn't make that much sense, the phrasing is just awkward and distracts me so much from the content. I think it might be better to lead in with a dialogue tag about Norm, rather that hurriedly throwing it on the end.

3. My attention kept on getting lost in the lines here, as I really tried very hard to get through it all. But if just wasn't enough to peak my interest, enough to make me want to go back and read the previous chapters. And wait around for the next chapter to come out. It looks like you're depending heavily on people going back and reading your story but unfortunately this is not how novel politics works on YWS. You have to try and keep it catchy the whole way through, whether you have from the beginning readers or jump-ons.
Everything is stretched out and dragged on and to the point where I was still halfway making it through this work, the writing was plain. Pep and spunk is what your writing needs. I noticed some more vivid details and descriptions further on down but I just couldn't focus long enough to get there. There's a very fine balance between drab, perfect, and over-doing it. You need to find the mid-point of that balance.

4. Overall I see a bit of potential in this work and there's occasional glimmers that would catch my attention, but for the most part, I don't know what audience you are catering to. The continuation of the abbreviation of professor threw me quite a bit because you might call someone that on paper but you characters don't speak like that. Are they saying 'prof' or 'professor' when speaking? Everything has to be applied real world and you have to be wary of pits or holes to fall into, keeping all of the details very straight.

I'm going to bounce now.
Questions about this review? PM me.
Birdman out.




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Sun May 14, 2017 2:37 am
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hi there--you know who it is right, do you? :)

Alright, so right now it's the school day. And, the exciting artifact about Alyssa's father! I'm really interested to how things will turn out! This whole business is rather mysterious.

I think the amount of detail here improved, but I'm wondering why all the concentration in the classes? Honestly, they weren't very interesting to me. Sorry, but I'm going to be blunt here: I found myself scrolling down to see where the classes would end. I just learned of the "Know-it-all", a few professors, some unusual things...I'd love to see some more interactions between the students and professors to develop characters and all.

That leads me more to characters: they were, uh, rather flat in my opinion. Let me run through the major characters,

-the MC, Alyssa. She feels a tad underdeveloped. I'm guessing one reason why is that we don't hear so much of her emotions. For example, what does she think about the professors and other students? Is she intimidated? comfortable? annoyed? Her first impressions? Since we see the world through her eyes, a little inner monologue and some twisting of descriptive words would improve it in my opinion.

-the sidekick, Jeff. I want to feel a personality of her own. Does she have any quirks? How does she talk to characters other than Alyssa? Does Alyssa notice something about her that's just Jeff-ish? I don't think having extraordinary characters equals the way to make good characters. Just fleshing her out, with motivations (yes, every single character has motivation) and

-Elena Vorshevky: The "Know-it-all". I feel as if she's being constrained to just be the smart pupil. Some depth would be wonderful! For example, other than her smartness, does she like to crack jokes? rant about knitting or cooking? She can have such a vivid personality!

I also feel as if the professors are rather similar to each other. Try swapping names and check if it makes a large difference. From what I've read, I'm not so sure they're different from each other.

Some parts of the dialogue were rather stilted in my opinion as well. For example,

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Alyssa knew not when Jefferina came standing by her.

Alyssa said brightly, "It is. It's so charming, no?"

"You're Alyssa aren't you?"

Alyssa nodded her head with a smile on her cheeks.

"And you are Jefferina, I suppose."

"You may call me Jeff, that's my nickname."

"As you wish."

"I hope we can be friends."

"Of course, we can be. Why not?"


The "As you wish" made me wince a little. Would some ordinary person say this? Unless that's Alyssa's way of speaking. I'd write it as (warning: this is very rough and unrefined)

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Alyssa jumped to hear a girl's voice in her ear. She turned to see Jefferina right behind her.

Alyssa said brightly, "Yes, it's so charming."

"You're Alyssa, aren't you?"

Alyssa nodded her head with a smile on her cheeks.

"And you're Jefferina?"

"Call me Jeff, that's my nickname."

"Sure thing!"

"I hope we can be friends."

"Of course we can--why not?"


I also want to point out talking heads here. Talking heads are not that good, because you don't see what the characters are doing!

I think that the description has improved a little, but remember to keep honing your skills! This applies not only to description but to practically everything you write. That's all I've got to say here. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk, and a final word: my suggestions are just suggestions and my word is not law!

Image




Aritra says...


Thank you very much for the review. Well, I know that the classes part is boring, but believe me they are relevent. Actually, the most important part of this chapter is not classes or stuffs like that. It is the Hall of the Historicals. Vorshevky is important too. I will suggest you to go through it more thoroughly because in some places I have included Alyssa's feeling towards the professors.

Anyway, I have much to improve. I will go on with my work and post the next chapter as soon as I can.



PrincessInk says...


Hmm,yes, I did see it with a closer look. Perhaps my suggestion is not entirely useful, BUT I still believe that the characters do need some work, as it is in (I assume) early drafts.




Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
— Sir James Dewar, Scientist