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The Perplexing Nosebleeds of Ebonie Fantasma Chapter Seven:

by AriesBookworm


   Angelina had dealt with a lot since we had become close friends with Paige. The ghosts, the divorce, Emmalyn's death, and now...this.

   "It's perfectly normal to lose your 14-year-old daughter in a thunderstorm while sitting in the car, right?"

   "No. No it isn't, Paige."

   "I don't know what to do!"

   "Send me your location, I'll be there in a few."

   Angelina rolled out of bed and threw on a pair of sandals. She wasn't going to get much sleep that night and she knew it. She felt goosebumps prickle her skin as she walked in the cold night air to her car while taking shelter under her umbrella. It was going to be a long night.

-----

   Ebonie stared at the dark clouds as rain poured onto her frail body. She felt the presence of the woman with a missing eye right next to her, then suddenly disappear. Ebonie was in front of her old house again. Its paint was still a pale blue, though now it was chipped and peeling. For a moment, she saw her seven-year-old self again. She was happily playing with all her toys in the front yard. Her mother and grandmother watched her from the window. That same window was now broken.

   Ebonie walked up the steps to her house and tried the doorknob. It was locked.

   "Darn it."

   Ebonie kicked the worn-down door. The door shook but showed no sign of breaking. She kicked it again, harder this time, still nothing. She kicked underneath the doorknob and it finally weakened. A few kicks later and Ebonie was inside the house. Ebonie took in her surroundings. The narrow staircase was still there, along with the two doorways on either side of her. One lead to the kitchen, the other lead to the laundry room.

   Ebonie took a deep, trembling breath before walking up the dark staircase. She felt the rain fall onto her shoulder through a hole in the roof. When she reached the top of the stairs, she felt blood fall out of her nose. She bit her lip, this was something she needed to do.

-----

   "Where could she be?" Paige asked. Her eyes were red from crying and her body was drenched from the rain. 

   "Paige, calm down. Ebonie knows how to handle herself." Angelina reassured. 

   Angelina walked around the car and spotted red powder on the ground. It should have been wet from the rainfall, but it wasn't. It was completely dry. Angelina picked it up and smelled it. It smelled like pennies. Her eyes widened.

   "What's wrong?"

   "Paige, if Ebonie could go anywhere in the state, where would she go?"

   "What?"

   "Ebonie teleported. To be exact, she teleported with a ghost."

   


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Fri Nov 19, 2021 2:02 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...I think you've done a decent job here with Paige's light panic but then I do feel like perhaps we miss out on some of the powerful emotions here because a lot of focus falls on this newly introduced character and there's also that extra scene to let us know that Ebonie hasn't come to any harm.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Angelina had dealt with a lot since we had become close friends with Paige. The ghosts, the divorce, Emmalyn's death, and now...this.

"It's perfectly normal to lose your 14-year-old daughter in a thunderstorm while sitting in the car, right?"

"No. No it isn't, Paige."

"I don't know what to do!"

"Send me your location, I'll be there in a few."

Angelina rolled out of bed and threw on a pair of sandals. She wasn't going to get much sleep that night and she knew it. She felt goosebumps prickle her skin as she walked in the cold night air to her car while taking shelter under her umbrella. It was going to be a long night.


Ohhh....a new character cropping up..not something you see to often in something like Chapter seven...that's interesting. Either that or I've forgotten some character from a while ago in that case sorry. But well...it looks like at the very least Paige is going to get some help in this scenario, she definitely seems like she'll need that.

Ebonie stared at the dark clouds as rain poured onto her frail body. She felt the presence of the woman with a missing eye right next to her, then suddenly disappear. Ebonie was in front of her old house again. Its paint was still a pale blue, though now it was chipped and peeling. For a moment, she saw her seven-year-old self again. She was happily playing with all her toys in the front yard. Her mother and grandmother watched her from the window. That same window was now broken.

Ebonie walked up the steps to her house and tried the doorknob. It was locked.

"Darn it."


Did she just somewhat teleport because that would certainly have kicked this up into an entirely new level here. So far its been very centered on seeing ghosts and the direct effects of that but teleporting is an entirely different situation, and I am very excited to see where this one ends up going.

Ebonie kicked the worn-down door. The door shook but showed no sign of breaking. She kicked it again, harder this time, still nothing. She kicked underneath the doorknob and it finally weakened. A few kicks later and Ebonie was inside the house. Ebonie took in her surroundings. The narrow staircase was still there, along with the two doorways on either side of her. One lead to the kitchen, the other lead to the laundry room.

Ebonie took a deep, trembling breath before walking up the dark staircase. She felt the rain fall onto her shoulder through a hole in the roof. When she reached the top of the stairs, she felt blood fall out of her nose. She bit her lip, this was something she needed to do.


Well, this is an interesting little situation that could be created here. On one hand we have this awesome moment for Ebonie where she seems to have teleported and is now about to face the things inside her own house that made her need all that treatment and caused all those complications but also now when we inevitably see Paige and that new character freaking out over Ebonie going missing, we won't be quite as scared cause we know exactly where she is.

"Where could she be?" Paige asked. Her eyes were red from crying and her body was drenched from the rain.

"Paige, calm down. Ebonie knows how to handle herself." Angelina reassured.

Angelina walked around the car and spotted red powder on the ground. It should have been wet from the rainfall, but it wasn't. It was completely dry. Angelina picked it up and smelled it. It smelled like pennies. Her eyes widened.

"What's wrong?"

"Paige, if Ebonie could go anywhere in the state, where would she go?"

"What?"

"Ebonie teleported. To be exact, she teleported with a ghost."


Well...I have no idea what sort of expert Angelina is but being able to tell so much from red powder is quite a situation there. I feel like perhaps that part could be explained a little bit better, but then this is horror, the lack of knowledge does make things powerful so that's more optional but its always still a good idea to try and convey a few of these slightly details more often so that as readers we can see envision some of these a bit better.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is perhaps not the best out of all the chapters so far, given how the chapters were building up on one another and getting increasingly scarier this one feels like it lowers a little and that too in the middle of one of those scary moments with Ebonie vanishing into the rain with a ghost...so perhaps some things to be considered here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Thu Nov 04, 2021 2:38 pm
Col3 wrote a review...



Hello! I am here to say that this chapter was really good! Being honest I feel like I'm a little late when writing this.

"Angelina had dealt with a lot since we had become close friends with Paige. The ghosts, the divorce, Emmalyn's death, and now...this."

already we see some suspense in the story, it seems as though Angelina and Paige are friends, it also catches attention quickly, especially the "now...this." that made me wonder what whats happening.

I also like how it gets straight to the point with the supernatural, and how ghosts appear nearly all the time. By the end of the chapter it tells us how Ebonie teleported with a ghost, that honestly makes me wonder where they could've gone.
I am pretty late so I'll get to reading the rest of the chapters, I can't wait to finish it!




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Sun Oct 24, 2021 11:20 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

I enjoyed this chapter!! I enjoyed the reveal of a new development in Ebonie: that she can teleport. I was curious about what the red powder signified; it might have been nice to have a bit of lines clearing that up. I'm also looking forward to seeing what Ebonie "needs to do" at her old house; it sounds like something sinister.

One thing I enjoyed about this chapter was the different POVs you presented. Even there was no distinctions between them, it was fairly easy to follow with the story. I think it also worked nicely with the narrative; it was fun to see what Angelina and Paige were doing while simultaneously knowing what Ebonie's doing as well. The small dual narrative worked really well here.

Specifics

Angelina had dealt with a lot since we had become close friends with Paige. The ghosts, the divorce, Emmalyn's death, and now...this.


I'd love to maybe see more establishing of the scene here. You introduce Angelica, but we don't really know exactly who she is right off the bat. We know her relationship to Paige, but if you're telling this chapter from her perspective, I think it would make sense to set the scene a little bit before going into Paige's phone call.

One lead to the kitchen, the other lead to the laundry room.


Tiny thing: "lead" should be "led."

Overall: nice work!! I'm super curious to find out how you'll continue the story! Sorry this review isn't longer; I think this is a pretty solid chapter! Until next time!





Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.
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