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The Perplexing Nosebleeds Of Ebonie Fantasma Chapter Three:

by AriesBookworm


   Ebonie opened the small prescription bottle and placed two white pills in her hand. This was the 10th prescription that she'd tried. She plopped the pills in her mouth and swallowed them with the help of a glass of water. The pills were very large, even though she had been taking the new pills for two weeks she still couldn't seem to get used to swallowing them. She clutched the marble counter as she waited to see what reaction the pills would take on her. The previous prescriptions hadn't worked on her. The nosebleeds hadn't stopped and she continued to see ghosts.

   "Let's hope this one works.'' Dr. Smith told her. Ebonie internally rolled her eyes. She didn't know what it was like to see tormented undead souls every day.

   She gripped the doorknob and opened the door. The hallway was eerily quiet. She expected something to jump out from behind a corner. But nothing did. She slowly made her way down the stairs. She felt sick to her stomach. Not from the pills, but from her nerves. The first five prescriptions had little to no effect, prescriptions six, seven, and eight had kept the spirits at bay, but she could still see them, the ninth prescription made her feel miserable, and now she was on the tenth.

   Ebonie walked into the kitchen and grabbed a contanier of cranberry juice. She dropped the container and cranberry juice pooled around her feet and soaked her white socks. She took off her socks, cleaned up the mess, and then got a new pair of socks. By the time she came back downstairs, she no longer wanted what was left in the container of cranberry juice. She sighed.

   And then felt a cold chill in the air.

   She knew what this chill meant. The prescription didn't work. There was a ghost somewhere in the room. She felt the hairs on the back of her neck. Each and every one of them were standing on end. Then she felt something warm trickle down her nose. A nosebleed. She took a deep, uneven breath and turned around.

   There was the man with the half-melted face. What was left of his mouth turned into a sly grin. He was taunting her. She open the drawer cloest to her, wanting to grab whatever was closest to her to use as a weapon. She pulled out a knife. Her entire body trembled. The man came closer and closer to her, until finally, it said something she would never forget.

   'Ebonie, what's wrong?'

   He spoke to her in her own grandmother's voice. She grew angry, how dare this monster torment her and then take her loving grandmother's voice? She plunged the knife as hard as she could into the man's chest.

   Only for her grandmother to appear in the man's place a second later. Emmalyn stumbled back. Blood poured out of the wound in her stomach and some trickled out her mouth. She fell back while Ebonie stared in disbelief at what she had just done. She couldn't move. Every muscle in her body felt frozen.

   Blood pooled around her feet and soaked her white socks. Then she saw the man in the corner of the kitchen. The same sly grin was plastered on what was left of his face. Blood dripped onto her light blue shirt.


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Fri Nov 05, 2021 8:57 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...so this took an even darker turn that I was expecting and wow this is really leaning towards some interesting directions at this point. I wonder where this is going to eventually end up here with this sort of thing going down. Ebonie is now going to be in a properly horrible place after this.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Ebonie opened the small prescription bottle and placed two white pills in her hand. This was the 10th prescription that she'd tried. She plopped the pills in her mouth and swallowed them with the help of a glass of water. The pills were very large, even though she had been taking the new pills for two weeks she still couldn't seem to get used to swallowing them. She clutched the marble counter as she waited to see what reaction the pills would take on her. The previous prescriptions hadn't worked on her. The nosebleeds hadn't stopped and she continued to see ghosts.

"Let's hope this one works.'' Dr. Smith told her. Ebonie internally rolled her eyes. She didn't know what it was like to see tormented undead souls every day.


Ohh well, it looks like here we almost have a little bit of a timeskip of sorts. Its a bit hard to say exactly where in time this could be, but the tone here makes it seem like its been a few days since that physical accident earlier and by now even Ebonie knows that her nosebleeds are never going to stop and this curse is simply going to keep getting worse.

She gripped the doorknob and opened the door. The hallway was eerily quiet. She expected something to jump out from behind a corner. But nothing did. She slowly made her way down the stairs. She felt sick to her stomach. Not from the pills, but from her nerves. The first five prescriptions had little to no effect, prescriptions six, seven, and eight had kept the spirits at bay, but she could still see them, the ninth prescription made her feel miserable, and now she was on the tenth.

Ebonie walked into the kitchen and grabbed a contanier of cranberry juice. She dropped the container and cranberry juice pooled around her feet and soaked her white socks. She took off her socks, cleaned up the mess, and then got a new pair of socks. By the time she came back downstairs, she no longer wanted what was left in the container of cranberry juice. She sighed.


OOoh, well yeah we can certainly sense the passage of time there. It looks like she's gone through a lot of prescriptions and while they have had some sort of mild effect, they haven't come close to being actually effective and preventing the ghosts from doing their thing. Then that example of just how bad things are with that cranberry juice situation acts as a wonderful touch to round it out and show us just how bad her current situation happens to be.

And then felt a cold chill in the air.

She knew what this chill meant. The prescription didn't work. There was a ghost somewhere in the room. She felt the hairs on the back of her neck. Each and every one of them were standing on end. Then she felt something warm trickle down her nose. A nosebleed. She took a deep, uneven breath and turned around.

There was the man with the half-melted face. What was left of his mouth turned into a sly grin. He was taunting her. She open the drawer cloest to her, wanting to grab whatever was closest to her to use as a weapon. She pulled out a knife. Her entire body trembled. The man came closer and closer to her, until finally, it said something she would never forget.


Oh this is coming along rather powerfully now. She's pretty much familiar with the procedure for this man's arrival which stands as a testament to just how many times this might have happened by this point and now it looks like she herself is a bit tired of all the horrible things that this man has tried to do and is looking to attack with that knife. I'm already getting a bad feeling about what might happen here if things have already escalated to the knife.

'Ebonie, what's wrong?'

He spoke to her in her own grandmother's voice. She grew angry, how dare this monster torment her and then take her loving grandmother's voice? She plunged the knife as hard as she could into the man's chest.

Only for her grandmother to appear in the man's place a second later. Emmalyn stumbled back. Blood poured out of the wound in her stomach and some trickled out her mouth. She fell back while Ebonie stared in disbelief at what she had just done. She couldn't move. Every muscle in her body felt frozen.

Blood pooled around her feet and soaked her white socks. Then she saw the man in the corner of the kitchen. The same sly grin was plastered on what was left of his face. Blood dripped onto her light blue shirt.


Oh that's a powerful ending...I did not see that coming, I was expecting her to get hurt in someway, but this is indeed infinitely worse here for everyone involved. This ghost is certainly someone rather powerful and very smart. He seems very determined to tear this family apart completely and this is the first major stop. The grandmother seemed like the one who knew the most about this whole curse situation and everything in general but now it seems almost certain that she's very much dead here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, each chapter here has just gotten increasingly more powerful here and I'm loving it. You've done a really good there and really built up a series of horrors here as things start out bad and now they've officially just gotten worse. I can't wait to see what happens next here. At this rate, Ebonie is going to find herself in worser and worser situations the more we continue.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue Oct 05, 2021 11:10 am
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

Ooh, well this certainly was a chilling chapter! That ending especially. I'm pretty sure it gave me goosebumps.

One thing I really enjoyed is how much you're starting to come into the horror genre. I feel like at first you were holding back a bit and were more tentative, but you've sold me after that last part. I thought it was super interesting how the ghost made Ebonie think he was her grandmother. I wonder if it's because Emmalyn was hindering their abilities in some way? You did mention how people always relied on her to fix things. I wonder if she's actually gone, or if she'll maybe try and come back to see Ebonie in a ghost form. There are a lot of places this story could go, and I'm looking forward to see where you do take it!

One thing I do have to say is that your chapters are a little short. Short chapters aren't anything bad, but the pacing of content within them hints that your story may be on the shorter side. Again, not an inherently bad thing, but if you're looking to publish, people generally favor novel-length things.

Specifics

The pills were very large, even though she had been taking the new pills for two weeks she still couldn't seem to get used to swallowing them.


I think this sentence would flow better if you put "and" after the comma, or just made the phrase before the comma and the phrase after the comma two separate sentences.

She clutched the marble counter as she waited to see what reaction the pills would take on her.


Generally, I think the proper terminology is "have a reaction on" rather than "take a reaction on." So I think it would sound less strange if you replaced "take" with "have" in this sentence.

The first five prescriptions had little to no effect, prescriptions six, seven, and eight had kept the spirits at bay, but she could still see them, the ninth prescription made her feel miserable, and now she was on the tenth.


I think that this sentence would flow better if you put semicolons rather than commas in between the things on the list; right now, it's just a very long sentence. I think you could benefit by giving readers a longer pause in between each statement while still showing they're connected, hence the semicolon.

Overall: nice work!! I think you really stepped up the suspense and horror in this section, and I'm looking forward to see the repercussions of what transpired at the end! Until next time!!




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Mon Oct 04, 2021 4:23 am
PhoenixEmberly wrote a review...



Ello! Let's dive right into this with a short review.

"The pills were very large, even though she had been taking the new pills for two weeks she still couldn't seem to get used to swallowing them."

It seems as if there should be an "and" between the words "large" and "even."

"Let's hope this one works.'' Dr. Smith told her."

When using quotation marks, you should replace the period within the end of the quote with a comma if the quote is followed by a sentence that describes a subject speaking. For example:

"Let's hope this one works," Dr. Smith told her.

"The first five prescriptions had little to no effect, prescriptions six, seven, and eight had kept the spirits at bay, but she could still see them, the ninth prescription made her feel miserable, and now she was on the tenth."

This feels like it should be three different sentences. Sentence one ending after "no effect," and sentence two ending after "still see them."

" Ebonie walked into the kitchen and grabbed a contanier of cranberry juice."

"Contanier" should be spelled "container."

" Ebonie walked into the kitchen and grabbed a contanier of cranberry juice. She dropped the container and cranberry juice pooled around her feet and soaked her white socks. She took off her socks, cleaned up the mess, and then got a new pair of socks. By the time she came back downstairs, she no longer wanted what was left in the container of cranberry juice. She sighed."

This entire paragraph feels very redundant because the words "Cranberry Juice" and "Container" are repeated so often. It feels like an interruption to the story to be honest. Whether you want to keep it is up to you of course, but if you choose to do so, it might be best to establish the subjects as "Cranberry Juice" and the "Container". From thereon out, you can refer to the cranberry juice as a "liquid", or even simply describe the affect it has on the characters socks in order to convey that it's the juice you are referencing in any given sentence.

" She sighed.

And then felt a cold chill in the air."

It feels awkward to break these sentences into two separate paragraphs, considering the fact that they are directly connected.

"She knew what this chill meant. The prescription didn't work. There was a ghost somewhere in the room. She felt the hairs on the back of her neck. Each and every one of them were standing on end. Then she felt something warm trickle down her nose. A nosebleed. She took a deep, uneven breath and turned around."

This entire paragraph reads quite awkwardly due to the sentence structure. Read it out loud, and you'll notice how awkward it is to stop abruptly every two seconds or so. It may flow better to connect some of these sentences together. For example, instead of "She knew what this chill meant. The prescription didn't work," you could try "She knew that the chills she felt course throughout her body signified the failure of her prescriptive medication."

"There was the man with the half-melted face. What was left of his mouth turned into a sly grin. He was taunting her. She open the drawer cloest to her, wanting to grab whatever was closest to her to use as a weapon. She pulled out a knife. Her entire body trembled. The man came closer and closer to her, until finally, it said something she would never forget."

This paragraph shows a much more varied sentence structure, and reads more fluidly. Unfortunately, it does contain a couple of spelling /grammar mistakes. "She open the drawer cloest to her," should be spelled "She opened the drawer closest to her." Furthermore, the use of the pronoun "it" isn't consistent with the subject being described as a man. The proper pronoun for this instance would be "he."

'Ebonie, what's wrong?'

This quote does not appear to be in quotation marks.

"He spoke to her in her own grandmother's voice. She grew angry, how dare this monster torment her and then take her loving grandmother's voice? "

It's good to avoid phrases such as "her own", as it is redundant. The word "her" already implies that she owns it. Furthermore, it feels as if "She grew angry" and "How dare this monster torment her and then take her loving Grandmother's voice" should be two separate sentences.

"She plunged the knife as hard as she could into the man's chest.

Only for her grandmother to appear in the man's place a second later."

There likely shouldn't be a paragraph break between these two sentences.

This chapter does require quite a bit of fixing up, but that's okay. I think you did an excellent job constructing a cliff hanger to leave off on. There's also a mystery being set up here in regards to who the man is and how he is able to trick out protagonist in this way, and that's awesome! I hope you will continue this story.

Happy writing,
-Phoenix






Thank you for the constructive criticism!




"Death is cheap, and so is life, but a reputation is not easily recovered."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi