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The Perplexing Nosebleeds Of Ebonie Fantasma Chapter Four:

by AriesBookworm


   Paige drove down the empty road. The sun had set well below the horizon hours ago, forcing Paige to drive in the dark. She hated driving in the dark, even with her headlights. The night from 22 years ago still managed to haunt her. She could still hear the sound of the crunching of bones, she could perfecting envision her mother's face frozen in pure horror at what she'd done. Ebonie wasn't the first to accidentally kill someone in her family, but Paige wasn't ready to tell her that.

   She carefully turned on the road. Her GPS told her she was only ten minutes away from the mental institution. Unsurprisingly, Ebonie was sent there immediately after Emmalyn's death. Paige didn't know what else to do. She couldn't lose anyone else. Not after Ebonie told her that she saw no point in living anymore. Now that Ebonie was better, there was only one thing left to do: Live a normal life as mother and daughter.

   It was time to leave the past behind. It was too painful to remember. Paige glanced at the rearview mirror...and immediately stepped on the brakes. She rubbed her eyes and looked in the mirror again. She let out a sigh of relief when she saw nothing there. For a moment, she thought she saw her deceased mother. That was impossible, her pills prevented her from seeing the dead. Good or bad. She took a deep breath and continued driving.

   She told herself she needed to stay sane. Sane for both her and Ebonie. She pulled into the parking lot of the mental institution. At the entrance stood Dr. Brooke. He was the reason Ebonie got the medication she needed. Not enough people believed in the supernatural to help those who were tormented by ghosts. If it was discovered that Dr. Brooke had given Ebonie pills for ghosts he would be fired on the spot.

   Paige exited the car. She felt the cold night air brush against her skin, making her shiver. The large, dark clouds threatened to pour rain onto the Earth every passing second.

   "Are you ready to see Ebonie?" Dr. Brooke asked. It was a stupid question in Paige's opinion. Why else would she be here? Still, she answered politely.

   "Ready as I'll ever be."

   


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Wed Nov 10, 2021 6:30 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Paige drove down the empty road. The sun had set well below the horizon hours ago, forcing Paige to drive in the dark. She hated driving in the dark, even with her headlights. The night from 22 years ago still managed to haunt her. She could still hear the sound of the crunching of bones, she could perfecting envision her mother's face frozen in pure horror at what she'd done. Ebonie wasn't the first to accidentally kill someone in her family, but Paige wasn't ready to tell her that.

She carefully turned on the road. Her GPS told her she was only ten minutes away from the mental institution. Unsurprisingly, Ebonie was sent there immediately after Emmalyn's death. Paige didn't know what else to do. She couldn't lose anyone else. Not after Ebonie told her that she saw no point in living anymore. Now that Ebonie was better, there was only one thing left to do: Live a normal life as mother and daughter.


Ohhh...well we're off to a interesting start here to this fourth chapter. It seems like we've had ourselves a rather major time skip here from the point that we left off in that previous part to now where it seems Ebonie has got some treatment to deal with the horror of accidentally killing her grandmother and Paige is trying to get there to see her now. The detail of how Paige also seems to have perhaps killed someone accidentally is a powerful little detail to slip in there suggesting ghosts have messed about with their family for a while now. Its a good start here to this story even if the time jump is a little jarring.

It was time to leave the past behind. It was too painful to remember. Paige glanced at the rearview mirror...and immediately stepped on the brakes. She rubbed her eyes and looked in the mirror again. She let out a sigh of relief when she saw nothing there. For a moment, she thought she saw her deceased mother. That was impossible, her pills prevented her from seeing the dead. Good or bad. She took a deep breath and continued driving.

She told herself she needed to stay sane. Sane for both her and Ebonie. She pulled into the parking lot of the mental institution. At the entrance stood Dr. Brooke. He was the reason Ebonie got the medication she needed. Not enough people believed in the supernatural to help those who were tormented by ghosts. If it was discovered that Dr. Brooke had given Ebonie pills for ghosts he would be fired on the spot.


Oh....that's an interesting extra detail there with the doctor, and I also love that momentarily glimpse of the grandmother as a trick of the light there....it shows that all of this is affecting Paige and that's good to see, it makes things that much more realistic than it would otherwise be if you didn't include something like that. I also like how you transition that into some thoughts about the doctor and how he's one of the few that actually seems to know of the supernatural and help out in such cases. It makes this place seems just a bit more special than it would otherwise and make the move to the mental institution make even more sense.

Paige exited the car. She felt the cold night air brush against her skin, making her shiver. The large, dark clouds threatened to pour rain onto the Earth every passing second.

"Are you ready to see Ebonie?" Dr. Brooke asked. It was a stupid question in Paige's opinion. Why else would she be here? Still, she answered politely.

"Ready as I'll ever be."


Aaand so it ends...hmm, definitely a bit on the shorter side but I think it still makes for a good scene how to sort of digest the powerful incidents in the previous and sort of process them properly so that we can then move on from them and into whatever comes next in the fifth chapter as Paige meets Ebonie after being treated for this problem. SO yeah, I think that's about all I have to say on this one. I'm looking forward to seeing how this meeting goes. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Thu Oct 07, 2021 4:30 am
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!!

I enjoyed this section! I think it was cool to see stuff from Paige's perspective; I feel like we hadn't in a while and it's always refreshing to have a change in narrator. That first paragraph also revealed some juicy details; who was it that Paige killed? Was it her father or a sibling? Even though this story has Ebonie's name in the title, I think that this story is about Paige just as much as her. I'm curious to see how their relationship evolves and what's to come in their interactions in the next chapter!

One thing I wondered about was exactly when this took place. It seems like it's been a while after Ebonie killed Emmalyn, since you mention that she's "all better," but the way Paige is treating the incident makes it seem like it happened recently. It might be good to clarify just how much time has passed. I also think that this chapter could honestly continue into her visit with Ebonie. Not much happened in it, but if it were combined with their conversation, it would serve to both lengthen the chapter and make it more interesting. In regards to your comment about the shortness: length isn't generally something you should worry about, and you never have to apologize for something being short. I do think however if your next chapter is them talking, it would make more sense for it to be one whole chapter.

Specifics

She could still hear the sound of the crunching of bones, she could perfecting envision her mother's face frozen in pure horror at what she'd done.


Couple things: I think "perfecting" should be "perfectly." I also think that these phrases would flow better if you eliminated the second "she" and replaced it with "and." It would fix the comma splice and would also just make the overall sentence flow better, in my opinion.

Now that Ebonie was better, there was only one thing left to do: Live a normal life as mother and daughter.


Tiny thing here: since "live" is still part of the same sentence, no need to capitalize it.

If it was discovered that Dr. Brooke had given Ebonie pills for ghosts he would be fired on the past.


Another small thing: I think "past" in this sentence is meant to be "spot?"

Overall: nice work! I really enjoyed the way this chapter ended, and I look forward to reading more! Until next time!!




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Wed Oct 06, 2021 1:16 am
AriesBookworm says...



I'm sorry this chapter is so short, I promise the next one will be longer.





We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind