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The Perplexing Nosebleeds Of Ebonie Fantasma Chapter Five:

by AriesBookworm


   Ebonie sat quietly on the white bed in her small room. Her right hand loosely clutched her cross necklace. The entire room smelt of burnt sage. A nurse timidly opened the door that led to Ebonie's room. 

   "It's time to go.''

   Ebonie stared at the nurse unblinkingly with her large, obsidian brown eyes. The nurse took a nervous step back. Ebonie's presence was...unnerving to say the least. Some about her, mentally, had changed. She tied her black curls back, revealing her pale face. Ebonie picked up her suitcase and walked past the nurse only saying a single word.

   "Goodbye."

   Ebonie walked down the hall, following the small girl that offered to show her the exit. The two walked to the outside of the institution where her mother and Dr. Brooke stood. 

   "As I said, just make she takes her pills- Ebonie?'' Dr. Brooke looked at Ebonie in surprise.

   "I saw my mother pull up," Ebonie said. She smiled and nodded at the young girl, and when she blinked, the girl disappeared. Paige walked over to her daughter and embraced her. 

   "It's going to rain soon," Ebonie said, not returning her mother's embrace. She politely pushed her mother away and walked to the car. As soon as Ebonie entered the car rain poured from the sky.  Paige immediately ran into the car and started the engine. 

   "So, how does it feel to finally be going home?"

   "Fine."

   "Just fine?''

   "It feels a bit saddening, leaving here. It's been my home for four years."

   "Well, um, well I hope you like the new house."

   "It's strange. We lived with so many spirits in that house. Yet we couldn't live with the spirit of Grandma."

   Paige abruptly stopped on the side of the road. She took a deep breath.

  "Your grandmother is in Heaven." She said calmly.

   "Grandma didn't seem like the person to not become a spirit after death."

   "Ebonie, Grandma is in Heaven. Nowhere else."

   The rest of the drive continued in silence. Ebonie stared longingly out the window as fat raindrops fell onto it. The rain was soothing. 

   "Mom?"

   "Yes, Ebonie?"

   "Did someone die in this car?"

   -----

     22 Years Earlier

   "Mom!"

   "Drive, Paige.' Emmalyn's voice was surprisingly calm.

   "Th-The ghost! He'll follow us!-"

   "Drive."

   Paige did as her mother instructed her and pulled out the driveway. She sped down the road, trying her best to obey the speed limit. The last thing the two of them needed to happen was for a cop to pull them over and for Paige to start babbling on about a ghost. The cop would probably think she was on something. Rain beat down on the car as the windshield wipers repeatedly pushed it away. Paige's migraine slowly became worse as she drove further.

   A little girl appeared on the road.

   "Keep driving."

   "What-"

   "Keep. Driving."

Paige did as her mother instructed kept driving. The car went right through the little girl and when Paige looked into the rearview mirror, there was nothing there. A few minutes later, a sobbing woman ran onto the road. Paige slammed on the gas pedal. It wasn’t real and she knew that. Or at least she thought she did.

When she ran over the woman, she heard the sickening crunch of bones. She stopped the car and looked over at her mother. A look of pure horror was frozen on her face.

“Mom, she wasn’t real. Right?

Emmalyn stayed silent as she stepped out of the car. Paige watched as her mother pulled a garbage bag out of the trunk and put the mangled body inside.


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393 Reviews


Points: 41700
Reviews: 393

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Tue Oct 12, 2021 3:06 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!!

Oh man. This was certainly an intense chapter, wasn’t it? That ending especially was super horrific but just so fitting for the story. The way you portrayed that fatal mistake on Paige’s part and the nonchalant-ness of Emmalyn in regards to the dead body were just chilling. Really great job on this one!

One thing I really loved about this chapter was the parallels and flow. I thought the ways you mirrored the calmness of the mothers’ voices and the rain falling down between each scene was a really nice touch, and the transition to the flashback was nice as well. The overall flow and pacing was also really nice; this chapter felt like it was the perfect length rather than being super abrupt like some of the others have been. The dialogue between characters was also super natural and served to push the scene forward rather than lug it down. I think this might be my favorite chapter yet!

Specifics

Ebonie's presence was...unnerving to say the least. Some about her, mentally, had changed.


Couple things here: I’d put a comma between “unnerving” and “to say the least;” I think it would help the sentence flow better. I also think that rather than saying “some,” you should replace it with “something.” To me, it just sounds more natural.

"Your grandmother is in Heaven." She said calmly.


Since “she said” is a dialogue tag, you actually want to make the period that separates the dialogue from the rest of the sentence into a comma and then just make the “she said calmly” part of the already existing sentence. I really enjoyed reading the conversation though!! I think Ebonie’s voice was especially distinct, and she made the exchange especially gripping.

Overall: really nice work! I think this story is really shaping up and I’m sooooo curious to find out what else is going to happen! Until next time!




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23 Reviews


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Reviews: 23

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Mon Oct 11, 2021 5:40 pm
PhoenixEmberly wrote a review...



Man, I have to say, this one was far better than the prior chapter I reviewed.

That isn't to say that the other chapter was bad. I quite enjoyed it, but I enjoy this one even more. It's nice seeing your progress, I think this is a great addition. I won't focus as heavily on grammar as I did last time, instead, I'll focus on how you presented the characters and the plot developments in this chapter.

Simply put, it was incredible how you described the settings your characters were in. Being able to imagine in vivid detail the environment surrounding your characters is a big plus, and you did very well with that. I also enjoyed the dialogue between characters, as well. You seem to have improved with making these character interactions seem genuine, well done! I can't wait for what happens next.

-Phoenix





The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
— Patrick Star