Young Writers Society

Hello Aries! I thought I'd stop by and review this, seeing how interesting it looks.

You have taken an interesting perspective on this story - all from the moon's point of view. Very, very different. But fascinating. I don't know where you're going to take this. So far, we have something like a background on the subject. For example, the moon has a family. This is certainly a twist! I'm curious to see how you're going to fit that in, and also that of the moon's history. You say it was cursed, and now it is tired of the curse, feeling dead. Hmm. I will say this: you have great potential on your hands with this storyline, Ari. We shall see how it goes.

The Story
On the actual way, form and manner you wrote this with... I have a few things to say. There are tons of things you could say about the moon to start your story. After all, the moon did witness the Civil War, Martin Luther nailing the 95 theses to the church door, Abraham Lincoln's assassins escape, St. Bartholomew's Massacre, the Holocaust and so many more events. But you keep all these things summarized: "empires fall, death, heartache". You end your first paragraph with: "And I was there. Forced to watch. Helpless". If these things are so important and scarring to the moon, I think you should what they were. It would give the story further substance. If this is fantasy, that's fine. You can add whatever your fantasy land dreadfully experienced.

The second paragraph begins with a to-the-point statement: I was cursed. Easy enough to understand, yet at the end of this we read: I had a family and love, at least I think... It's been so long I can't remember any more. I would think... if somebody cursed somebody, they would want them to remember why they did it and how, leaving the memories of the victim's past life always fresh and vivid in their mind. Why? To make them suffer more. And long even more desperately for those olden days. But, then again, maybe I've just been reading too many fairy tales... XP

This chapter also provoked about a million questions that (hopefully) you will answer later on...? For example: If the moon had a history, a family, a life, who was the moon before it? Or was there one? And that just leads to more questions, of course. How was your earth/planet created, then? and all that science stuff.


The Grammar
Don't worry. You didn't do as bad as I would do on a first draft. But there are a couple errors here and there that I'll show you.

Relationships broken forever, empires fall, death, heartache, too many tears shed in the comfort of night.

You begin and end with a past tense but "fall", nope. That's present. It should be "fallen".

That was my job too watch over those that lived.

Most of your sentences throughout this are short and choppy, yet this lacked some punctuation and seemingly ran on. I suggest sticking a comma after "job", and making that "too" a "to". They're two completely different words.

Every night making me feel more and more dead.
I feel dead.

You have these two sentences separated by two paragraphs so its not so obvious to see the repetition. Maybe you were shooting for that, but it seemed as if you were saying the exact same thing, just rewording it. I don't see the need for that second sentence. You've already said how the moon feels, why repeat it?

I miss my the life.

Nothing major here! I just don't see the need for the "the" you got here. ;P


In a couple places you end a sentence with the three period mark, but I didn't find it necessary. At all. In any of the places. You could do with just the statement and that's all. We would still see the point, and it would keep up with Moon's other straightforward thoughts.

I also thought you ended this rather abruptly. There needs to be something that's addressing the reader more than just that question: Do you know me? Something that leads up to it, i.e. you could say how the moon has always watched us, and known us, etc. That would flow right into your closing remarks. (not like you HAVE to use what I just said - its merely a suggestion!)

Like I said before, I really think you have potential for this, and am waiting to see where it will go. Keep up your writing, Aries! I'll catch you later.

cheers!
-TheKid