Young Writers Society

I'd been meaning to do a review on this, so here I am!

I still feel so bad for Albert. I admit, I love the line:

as the words fell from Albert's mouth, he finally began to realize just how crazy he sounded. He sank back into a chair, pressing a hand to his face.

It really adds a nice touch of realism to the story and to Albert's grief. Finally seeing that "wait, maybe telling people about ghosts makes me look insane."

Melanie's still a fascinating character, both in her disdain to Albert but her insistent push to help him. I'm very excited for the therapy session, but of course I wonder what's going to happen (and what previously happened) between Albert and his brother. I hope Melanie knows his brother well enough, because if not... She might've made a horrible mistake. Or the right decision. Who knows?

Over all, very excited for the next part! Can't wait for it!

Hey Ari! Alice here to give a review!

My first thoughts:

This was the only part I have read of this story, so I don't know much about the story except what has been established here, that this father longs for his dead daughter and believed she was alive. I would want to know what happened to their daughter and what are things like between them. I will have to read the other parts for that, I would love to! The dialogues were straight to the point and there was no hastiness in the narrative.

Characters:
I felt a little concerned about Albert's health after reading this and you expressed that perfectly. I felt sad as well for him waiting for his daughter that seems to be dead. And even if Melanie tried her best to assure Albert that Brooklyn is dead, I have a little doubt if that is true, hmm let's see.

Dialogues:
I like the way you wrote their conversation except that you use too many full stops to show pause or hesitation. Don't worry I used to do that a lot as well, but this way your dialogues feel much more abrupt, try using more commas instead.

A little thing you can edit out and it will be fine^-^

"Logical explanation?!" Melanie cried.

Here, you put a question mark as well as an exclamation mark. It will be grammatically incorrect to put both and I would suggest using an exclamation mark here as it fits more with the dialogue.

A little suggestion-

"Well, what do you think it was, then? A cockroach?"

Don't you think, a ghost or anything else will fit better instead of a cockroach? Just my opinion it depends on you in the end so no worries:)

Plot, Narration, Overall:
The story is well narrated and seems to be moving forward may it is the quick news that Albert's brother will be visiting soon or Albert visiting Dr. Mills. Overall it seems to be a nice story, I look forward to it!

Keep Writing👍
-Alice

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was a lovely addition to the story here. We get a very important secondary perspective on what Albert has being seeing here and I think this part does a great job of introducing more doubt into Brooklyn and what's been happening there while also having a nice little cliffhanger of this brother.

Anyway let's get right to it,

When Melanie finally arrived at the cabin, she found Albert in the kitchen, scuttling back and forth on excited feet. The counters were covered in dishes and boxes of flour, with random pieces of silverware scattered about. Bits of egg dripped onto the floor, and the cabinets were dotted with dozens of white fingerprints.

"This place is a nightmare," Melanie muttered, staring around incredulously. "It's not usually like this, is it? What are you doing?"

"It's going to be Brooklyn's birthday in a few days," Albert replied, sliding a baking sheet into the oven. "She's turning twelve! Can you believe it? She's getting so big!"

Melanie pursed her lips, brow furrowing in concern. "Al...you don't really believe that she's back, do you? I mean, it's impossible."

Well this is quite the place to start. Given where we ended off in the previous section, its definitely enough to get us all concerned about the state of Albert's health even though of course there is distinct feeling of magic that seems to be present in the story so you still definitely want to believe Albert.

"See for yourself," he stepped over to the table, plucking a small object from its surface. As he came closer, she could see what it was--a tiny wooden turtle.

"W-what is this?" she breathed. Albert placed the turtle gently in the palm of her outstretched hand. Melanie tilted her head forward, examining it with wide eyes. The turtle stared back, cartoonishly carved eyes mirroring her expression. "It can't be..."

She wrapped her hand around the tiny wooden creature and squeezed it--the rough pine did not yield. It just sat there, solid and real. Melanie shook her head.

"There's no way she made this, Al," she said, looking into her ex-husband's hopeful face. "Someone else must have. Or you were drunk last night and just don't remember."

Ooooh well its interesting see Melanie injecting some skepticism into the mix. We have so far seen everything purely from Albert's point of view so seeing that perhaps there is a chance there was a reasonable explanation does complicate the matter a bit and make us wonder if perhaps Albert just saw something else and interpreted it differently.

"I haven't drunk anything in over a month," Albert replied, snatching the turtle back. "And nobody's been in this house except for you and me. It must've been her--it's the only logical explanation."

"Logical explanation?!" Melanie cried. "You call this a logical explanation? Albert, you're saying our daughter came back from the dead! What part of that sounds logical to you?"

"Well, what do you think it was, then? A cockroach?"

"I think you've driven yourself mad! You've been living alone in this godforsaken forest for over a year now, with only your thoughts and your daughter's memory to keep you company. I think you need to get professional help. Here--I can sign you up for an appointment at the local clinic right now."

Oh this is a really good conversation there. I think its just perfect to capture that even though so far we've accepted everything from Albert's point of view and assume there is some magic at play here there could also be a normal explanation for everything. This conversation manages to introduce just about enough doubt into the mix to make things interesting there.

Melanie pulled her phone from her handbag.

"No! I don't need therapy! She's here! She--" as the words fell from Albert's mouth, he finally began to realize just how crazy he sounded. He sank back into a chair, pressing a hand to his face. "...she has to be. Melanie...you have to believe me. I don't know how that turtle got here and I swear I haven't taken anything. What else could it be?"

Melanie just looked at him, concern etched into her face. She turned back to her phone, thumbs tapping rapidly on the small screen.

"Here. I've signed you up for an appointment with Dr. Mills at 2:30 on Monday. Does that work for you?"

Well this is a lovely little mixed bag of a scene there. Because on hand we very much want to believe Albert and we have pretty good reason to believe him too, but on the other hand Melanie's reasoning is also quite sound and its also nice to see a bit of genuine care coming out there as well even though they're not a family anymore.

Albert sighed.

"I'm gonna take that as a yes," Melanie locked her phone, sliding it back into her handbag. "Oh, and I texted your brother. He'll be coming to see you Wednesday."

"Wha--Melanie! You can't be serious...what did you tell him?"

"Just that you need his help. He'll be staying for a week or two to make sure you're okay."

"Ugh...the last thing I need is that son of a--" Melanie gave him a very sharp look. "...gun lurking around my house! Not after what he did."

"Don't talk about your brother like that! He cares about you! And he's coming whether you like it or not, so pull up your big boy pants and clean up this kitchen! It's an absolute nightmare."

Well that's quite the little intervention to end on. I'm both excited and terrified to meet this brother because it does sound like Albert doesn't get along too well and if Melanie is naturally going to vanish as well, its going to make for quite the clash there especially given Albert's current pursuits to figure out this mystery around Brooklyn.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think a solid new chapter. Just playing more on that duality that we saw created the other day really nicely while at the same time also adding in a new little problem to worry about.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate