Young Writers Society

Hi @Ari11 I'm here to review this last chapter you have, I'm going to make the most of this one, let's dive into it shell we.

Three hours and one long drive later, Albert was finally making his way down the dirt road to his cabin. Grocery bags rustled in the seat beside him, packed with food. He watched the trees go by, his interaction with Melanie replaying over and over in his head.

Oh he did go shopping! Good now he can full that empty Fidge of his. Aww this pure guy his had a long and hard morning. Also yep fights typically do that, they just carry on going around in your head until you really have to just face it.

What if she's right? He thought. What if it is my fault? I should've checked the kitchen before going to bed...I should've run right to her room when the alarm went off. If I'd done that, none of this would have happened. If I'd done that, she might still be alive...

Hey everyone makes mistakes Albert, it's just the way of the world, and yes the world sucks. He really is racked with guilt. Shame your making me feel really sorry for him, seriously I wish I could just jump into the story and help him.

Suddenly, he was jerked back to reality by a loud buzzing. Looking down, he noticed that his phone was ringing. Without a second thought, he scooped it up and hit the button.

Oh who could that be calling you, yeah just hit the button without looking who it could be calling you.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Albert."

"Melanie? Why do you still have my number?"

"Why did you pick up? Anyway, I just want to say that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."

Albert stayed silent. He felt like he should say it was ok, I forgive you, etc. But he didn't. The heavy, aching pain in his chest kept him quiet.

Aww that's sweet of her, Albert you got to know she still cares if she still has your number.
Okay now to the word that I put in bold, etc is in bold because I don't really know what this stands for and in a story I feel like it needs to be said properly otherwise it can confuse the reader a little bit and disrupt the flow of the story.

"I just...I'm worried about you, Al. Moving out into the woods all by yourself...that can't be good for a person, especially after everything that's happened. Don't you have family to visit? Friends? Anyone you can talk to?"

Albert turned onto his driveway, pulling up to the cabin. "My mother had a heart attack three years ago. And my brother moved all the way to London. I don't feel like flying overseas just to talk."

Aww pure guy has know one to talk to about this stuff except her and himself. I can tell Melanie really does feel bad for what she did, and she's trying to make up for it. I'm getting the feeling that maybe his brother and him don't have the best relationship with one another, because I mean he should call his brother I guess.
Also slight question I just thought about how did he pick up the phone and carry on driving, and hold the phone at the same time. I'm not to sure about this bit, you might want to go over that a little.

He grabbed the grocery bags and headed inside, keeping the phone tucked against his shoulder.

"What about your father? Where does he live?" Melanie asked.

"My father left when I was seven," Albert sighed, placing yogurt cups in the refrigerator. "You know that."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry."

"It's fine. But I like it here. It's nice and peaceful, and I don't have to worry about anyone coming by and pestering me. Besides you, it seems."

Left when he was SEVEN!!!!!! Wow what kind of father is that, sorry but ouch that pure mother that had to look after him and his brother. I don't know what living alone feels like but I can imagine that it must get a little bit lonely from time to time, unless he likes that sort of thing I guess.

"I just think you would benefit from a little more social interaction."

"Trust me, I get all the interaction I need. There's nothing wrong with being al--" Albert nearly dropped the phone, staring open-mouthed at the workbench. Sitting beside the fox was a small pile of wood shavings. Nestled in the middle was what looked to be a lumpy little turtle. He stepped closer, hand outstretched in amazement. Plucking it out of its nest, he raised the turtle to examine it. It was misshapen and rough, as though it had been carved by the hands of a child. Wide eyes stared back at him, giving him a cartoonishly surprised look.

What!!!!!! Okay that can't be true what's going on here how can there be a little turtle that his daughter carved, I think this guy needs some serious help like right now! I think he needs therapy or something.

"What? What is it, Al?" Melanie's voice was growing panicked. "What's happening?"

"She did it," Albert whispered, eyes full of tears. "She made a little turtle."

"Who? She made a what? Tell me what's going on!"

"Brook," he ran one finger over the crudely carved edges, trembling with excitement. "I left some wood out for her, in case she wanted to make something. And she did! She carved this tiny little guy."

Melanie was silent for a moment, speechless. "...you're saying Brook, our dead daughter, carved you a turtle? That's it, you've lost your mind. I'm coming over there right now."

I packed out laughing when Melanie said that she's going to come over. Yeah I agree with Melanie on this one, his gone mad, she needs to help him right now before he say's that she's standing right there next to him. Shame it is amazing what grief can do to a person though if they don't deal with it properly.

Anyway so that's all that I can say, again this was a really good chapter and I enjoyed reading it, I'm really looking forward to reading the next chapter, whenever you post it that is. But if I was being harsh, I'm really sorry that was not my intention, I'm only saying what I think might be helpful, I hope to read more of your chapters, keep up the great work.

I hope you have a great day/night witch ever side of the world you're on.

@Dossereana Flying Over The Green Room And Spreading Shards Of Encouragement

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is a lovely chapter here. Maybe my favorite because of just how much we learn. Most of the build up from earlier really comes into play very well with this one and I think you've done wonderfully to set up what looks like quite the chapter to come as well.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Three hours and one long drive later, Albert was finally making his way down the dirt road to his cabin. Grocery bags rustled in the seat beside him, packed with food. He watched the trees go by, his interaction with Melanie replaying over and over in his head.

What if she's right? He thought. What if it is my fault? I should've checked the kitchen before going to bed...I should've run right to her room when the alarm went off. If I'd done that, none of this would have happened. If I'd done that, she might still be alive...

Suddenly, he was jerked back to reality by a loud buzzing. Looking down, he noticed that his phone was ringing. Without a second thought, he scooped it up and hit the button.

Hmm well it looks like Albert just went about the rest of his day pretty normally there even though he stormed out pretty dramatically earlier. It looks like he simply didn't want to get involved in that whole scenario again and just wanted to get his groceries and get back. I like that we do still see it affecting him though. So even though he appears to have gone through the motions to get things done, he's not completely free of thinking about it all.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Albert."

"Melanie? Why do you still have my number?"

"Why did you pick up? Anyway, I just want to say that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."

Albert stayed silent. He felt like he should say it was ok, I forgive you, etc. But he didn't. The heavy, aching pain in his chest kept him quiet.

"I just...I'm worried about you, Al. Moving out into the woods all by yourself...that can't be good for a person, especially after everything that's happened. Don't you have family to visit? Friends? Anyone you can talk to?"

Ohhh...okay this is taking a turn I wasn't expecting, but I definitely like that its taking this particular turn. We can see that there is some care there as a family, even though everything has gone so badly in terms of where their relationship was as a proper family. It definitely makes this whole relationship feel a lot more real and we can look at Albert's current life with a slightly different lens too. This mention of other family definitely makes things even more interesting too.

Albert turned onto his driveway, pulling up to the cabin. "My mother had a heart attack three years ago. And my brother moved all the way to London. I don't feel like flying overseas just to talk."

He grabbed the grocery bags and headed inside, keeping the phone tucked against his shoulder.

"What about your father? Where does he live?" Melanie asked.

"My father left when I was seven," Albert sighed, placing yogurt cups in the refrigerator. "You know that."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry."

Ooooh this is a lovely conversation. Very plausible one to be having in a moment like this so it doesn't come off as dumping too much backstory, but it works wonders to tells us quite a chunk of Albert's life story and upbringing there. Its very nicely done there and now we really do get around to thinking about Albert's own health here..

"It's fine. But I like it here. It's nice and peaceful, and I don't have to worry about anyone coming by and pestering me. Besides you, it seems."

"I just think you would benefit from a little more social interaction."

"Trust me, I get all the interaction I need. There's nothing wrong with being al--" Albert nearly dropped the phone, staring open-mouthed at the workbench. Sitting beside the fox was a small pile of wood shavings. Nestled in the middle was what looked to be a lumpy little turtle. He stepped closer, hand outstretched in amazement. Plucking it out of its nest, he raised the turtle to examine it. It was misshapen and rough, as though it had been carved by the hands of a child. Wide eyes stared back at him, giving him a cartoonishly surprised look.

Ooooh this is a wonderful moment. That moment of carving from earlier comes back and well now the whole mystery around Brook and the knife becomes very interesting yet again. I was thinking that whole thing was simply some sort of tribute there that Albert did and a response to an old carving, but it seems that was a real interaction and here we've got proof of an even bigger. Well this definitely introduces another aspect into the story. I can't wait to see how Melanie reacts to this. I feel like that will be quite telling.

"What? What is it, Al?" Melanie's voice was growing panicked. "What's happening?"

"She did it," Albert whispered, eyes full of tears. "She made a little turtle."

"Who? She made a what? Tell me what's going on!"

"Brook," he ran one finger over the crudely carved edges, trembling with excitement. "I left some wood out for her, in case she wanted to make something. And she did! She carved this tiny little guy."

Melanie was silent for a moment, speechless. "...you're saying Brook, our dead daughter, carved you a turtle? That's it, you've lost your mind. I'm coming over there right now."

Well that went exactly as I thought it would and its a perfect bit of ambiguity to end this on here. Now there's no telling exactly whether Albert is experiencing actual contact with Brook somehow or if Albert really does have some sort of issue. It certainly isn't a stretch to imagine he would have suffered from something. At any rate, that's a great little cliffhanger there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, a strong addition to this piece. I loved how much we were able to learn there and all of the bits of mystery that have now come to the forefront of it all as a result of that. I can't wait to see where all this ends up going in the next chapter.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate