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when we're young

by Apricity

*the first line of the poem is taken from Richard Siken's Crush 

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5 Reviews

Points: 504
Reviews: 5

Sun Jul 02, 2017 9:38 am
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proseday wrote a review...

To add some words to words: there's a breathlessness and sense of pause to this that's striking, something that happens with the way you've chosen to split lines and create stanza breaks. More than that, it's in how you're conducting the reader in and out of meaning and rhythm.

If I was to offer a suggestion, it would come in terms of the scansion (for future such works, more than this one). I'm assuming that the deliberate way in which you're disrupting this is designed to give insight into narrative disruption. But some lines ("heart not doors, but open moors...") seem to have a heaviness to them in their stresses that breaks the flow and feels like it's running against a move towards an acceleration in tempo.

And if I step back from the line, and look at how this poem flows and then bends back on itself, how it offers a retreat, I'd offer that the descent and return works really well. May your narrator find an ascent, too, knowing that they are there to make the tunes, not only interpret them.

(also, there's occasional singular/plural confusion at times (the path every traveler has taken / those who find truth)

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Sat Jul 01, 2017 10:00 am
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Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

I talked about restraint with imagery and holding back on not using every chance there is to use it in existence, and while you're not using this here as much and it's fine because I enjoyed this. I do want to see some experimentation in the future specifically with minimalism since I want to know what this does for your poetry. Another something that I'd enjoy seeing is a more crystal clear theme that's gotten across to the reader with general ease. I've said that your poetry is more of a raw emotion than a focused one, and this is no exception.

I'd get into the gritty details though unfortunately I can't throw my gardening gloves on for all of this to pick out all of the pesky weeds for you, but I can give some overall critiques. I noticed that you decided to take a different route than most with the white space. Very long lines and then very short lines is something that I found, and aesthetically, this surprisingly works. If not theme or minimalism or anything else of that sort, then I want to see cohesiveness. That is the main problem that I've pinpointed in your poetry.

While this poem doesn't suffer as bad from this, your poetry jumps from point to point or image to image and the reader is often left a little lost. Your imagery is pretty even though this poem is definitely more word-based but you've never put it to full effects to mean something specific. I mean, it has, though it's never carried the full emotional weight behind it. It doesn't quite know restraint and it most definitely focuses more on the details, or your poetry is more detail-oriented than it is thinking about what the overall effect is.

So overall, focus more on the big picture, or at least a little more, than the trees and the flowers and the weeds and the grass. If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask and have a great day!


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