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sisters.

by Apricity



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Mon Feb 20, 2017 4:01 am
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Kays wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here for a review, as promised!

Sorry that I didn't get to this sooner, but I'm getting to it now. Let's jump right into the review and what I thought of the poem. The first thing that I was a little confused by is the first line in itself. I'm not sure if these two in the poem were literally sisters or if this was something that happened to be metaphorical. The first stanza of the poem is one that I didn't find to be the strongest? That doesn't mean it's bad, necessarily, but I feel like it could be stronger. As Falc said, the third line doesn't really make all that much sense and it needs a bit more context.

My feelings of quality immediately change because I thought the second stanza was the strongest in the poem, at least in terms of the imagery. In the second line, you cut off at an awkward place and while I know how to read it, it disrupts the flow a little bit. While I love your imagery, it feels a little blurry in this piece to me. I can't pin it down to something and at points it makes me wonder the point of why you're describing what you're describing other than to sound pretty.

There's not really a large focus on the meaning in the poem, which is something that I'd like to see more of. As of now, the poem isn't very literal, at least in my opinion, and is just kind of dancing around place to place without any focus of why the reader should really care. Is this other person in the poem a literal sister to the speaker? Is it metaphorical? [I almost said, "I've never had a sister, so I don't really know how it feels." Low and behold, my sister comes into the room and I remembered that she existed. Oopsies.]

But even with that, I want to know more of the personal experience that you've had, or that the speaker has had with their sister, because for me it's not the same. I wouldn't be describing the exact same thing that you would when it came to me and my sister if I wrote a poem about us being sisters, and I kind of want something to differentiate your poem from others (not to say that it's unoriginal or anything of that sort.)

Moving on from that, I wanted to discuss the interval stanza. I'm not really a fan of how you structure it, or at least how both lines start with 'but' and act as if they're continuing something but they're not. I get that it feels like something that should have 'but' in front of it in the first line, but it would be much stronger without it, as lines are in most cases when it comes to starting them with but/because/and, though there are exceptions. I was a little bit confused in this stanza in terms of what this black hole is.

I'm thinking that it could be something more literal such as a health condition that the speaker was born with and never told about, though the other person in the poem knew about it. The wording of the second line is a little bit awkward to me and I think you could rework it to be stronger.

The last stanza didn't impress me all that much. The ending isn't all that strong and I don't know if the lack of punctuation at the end was intentional or not but it annoyed me because the line didn't really seem finished. Lines four and five don't make sense with each other, or at least not at first. I realized this after I thought I was done with the review, but I realized that the lines are inferring that the other person in the poem would always be able to find the speaker in the dark because they know how the speaker feels.

The last line doesn't make sense being there? At least not to me because it didn't feel quite finished. I want more context clues and I want more of a focus on what you're trying to get across, and I think something to recap or wrap the poem up at the end to take place or rework the last lines would make the poem stronger.

Sorry if the review is rather rambly, or if it was harsh. If you have any questions, feel free to ask!




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Fri Feb 17, 2017 8:32 pm
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Kazeybear says...



This is so.poignant to my personal situation today. Thank you.




Apricity says...


Thank you for telling me this, I'm glad you found something resonate with within this poem. <3



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Fri Feb 17, 2017 3:59 am
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Querencia wrote a review...



Hey Apricity!

So this was pretty fantastic. I don't have any siblings, but I think your poem really strongly conveys the feeling to the point where I could imagine I did! There are a very few small parts that just seem weird to me.

we learnt the word and its meaning

To be honest, I'm not really sure which word you're referring to here. Sisters makes the most sense, because it's your subject, but just in the previous line you talk about bearing each other's bites. I just think it could be a little clearer.

branding kisses into the ink-dark sky, even
the sun, surrendered itself to your touch into a gauze of warmth,

I think that the comma after sun is out of place. I'm not sure which ideas you meant to be grouped together: are the kisses being branded into both the sky and the sun, in which case what is surrendering itself? If the kisses are being branded into the sky, and the sun surrenders itself, then I think the comma isn't really necessary after sun. I don't really know if that makes sense; just try out whichever way works for you.

but i was born with a blackhole in my heart
(but you never told me you knew)

The two "but"s strike me as redundant. I think it would sound better if you removed one of them. I understand why both are there, and I don't think it matters too much which one you remove, but it just seems to read a little better with one.

That's all! I love your imagery, and I think this is a really strong poem. I like how she wasn't trying to heal her sister, only make sure they could find each other. It's so sweet!

-Falco




Apricity says...


Hey Falco, thanks for the review! I agree with you that the 'word' is a bit vague, I think I tried to refer to both sister and bite at the same time, but I didn't explicitly state the correlation between them. I could definitely be clearer, the comma..I think I'll experiment with a bit. The two 'but's do clash though, thank you so much for the review, it has really helped and I'm glad you liked it. <3



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Thu Feb 16, 2017 10:45 pm
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passenger wrote a review...



your lines are blunt and they bite, and I love that. word conservation is so important, and in my opinion, you do it to near perfection in this piece. your images are another thing I found to be well-executed. lines like "the sun surrendered itself to your touch" and "the colour of your laughter was the shade of sunlight sieved through a maple leaf" are so powerful. your use of objects to describe colour gives the reader a very concentrated dose of sensory pleasure. I can tell that you've crafted each verse with care, and it pays handily with immediate impact.

there are a few gimmicks that I'm not a fan of. I don't think the strikethrough affects the piece at all. positively or negatively. other than the fact that I'm wondering what role it plays in the poem, and coming up with nothing. for that reason, I'd probably venture to omit it? that being said, if it holds significance to you, it doesn't really drag you under. keep it if you want, but personally, I don't find it to be of much value to your reader.

the repetition is another thing that I'm not sure adds to the piece. the "andagainandagainandagain" doesn't do it for me. I felt the rush (as I believe was intended), but I'm not sure the rush is necessary. the whole poem centres around the narrator's retelling of a story in poetic form, and the repetition [in this case] only feels like you're stretching. in fact, I'd even go as far as to say that the filler distracts from the rest of an otherwise compelling conclusive stanza.

overall, I like how the piece seems to smolder. on afterthought, maybe mess with your punctuation and spacing a little. certain places felt a little clunky (e.g. maybe add a period to the end of the clause in parentheses; the second stanza is also a bit strange as far as the flow goes--I think there are too many commas).

in all, the poem is promising. thank you for sharing, and best of wishes.




Apricity says...


passenger, hello~
and thank you for reviewing, ugh, I'm so happy the short lines did their trick. I've been trying to cut down on long, lengthy lines. I'm glad you pointed the strikethrough, apart from 'is that why' because I intended it to be there because it adds double meaning to the poem. I wasn't sure if I should have striked through the other 2 lines either. As for the repetition of 'and again', you make a good point there, I'll shift things around and play with the rhythm a bit.

Will try and fix punctuation too when I get the time, once again, thank you so much for taking your time to review this!



Apricity says...


passenger, hello~
and thank you for reviewing, ugh, I'm so happy the short lines did their trick. I've been trying to cut down on long, lengthy lines. I'm glad you pointed the strikethrough, apart from 'is that why' because I intended it to be there because it adds double meaning to the poem. I wasn't sure if I should have striked through the other 2 lines either. As for the repetition of 'and again', you make a good point there, I'll shift things around and play with the rhythm a bit.

Will try and fix punctuation too when I get the time, once again, thank you so much for taking your time to review this!



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Thu Feb 16, 2017 10:44 pm
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carlysle says...



this is SO SO good!!! i love the way this is formatted, with the strike-throughs and the side notes. even though the poem is relatively short, it's unique in that there's so much story. it's really professional too, and it makes me jealous but in a good way. 5 freaking stars for you!




Apricity says...


<3 thank you carlysle




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