Love and Other Stupid Emotions<3

I actually almost started crying...no joke...I just read a story about someone dying and I think you captured the emotion very well...I look forward to see how this story progresses. Post on my wall when part two comes out!!

You made me read this story before and I like it with the rest of the story intact. I really do like all of your stories. You made me read all of them SO uumm yeah xD. I like this because I know that she will soon overcome her fear

Heyy!
You're stories okayy so farrr. But there are so many stories about girls whose boyfriends die and it takes forever for them to move and they end up finding love again but they're scared to love again because they don't wanna get hurt. All I'm saying is unless you really try and make this one different it's gonna turn into the same story you read all the time. I think the descriptions you have are fair enough. I think a little more character depth and maybe some background stuff. You know describe what her life was like while she was having to deal with her boyfriend dieing. Or maybe change the boyfriend to a brother? I don't know but it's okay so farr.

Hi Anigamer02 here 2 review!
Well overall i like the story line the only thing i found some punctuation mishaps and some other things.
My corrections are in blue!

The cool breeze rushed over my face and tousled my hair. The rain was coming down just hard enough to drench my hair. Everyone was standing around tears in their eyes, and sadness in their hearts. There was desperation and a wanting to have him back. His poor mother was blinded by tears. My heart was aching you should put something other than "to have him back" because you had already put that in 2 sentences before this oneto have him back, but his body was cold and his soul was gone. You don’t know how many times I have prayed and wished that all of this was a dream. He was gonecomma, this one is opptional it dosent matter if its there or not forever. I couldn’t believe it.


We were all standing around the dug up hole with Mathews casket over it. They hadn’t lowered it yet, but everyone was still crying. Mathew was my forever andcomma for always. He was my first real boyfriend. He was the first guy to say “I love you” awee.. so cuteand actually mean it. He was the reason I am at my first funeral. I loved him so much. I loved him more than life it’s self.


I stood behind Katharine, Mathew’s mother. I placed my hand on her shoulder as the tears rolled down her cheeks. She rested her head on my hand.you should take out the period and put comma and I held back my tears.
you should put a little bit more of what happens on that sence

I sat silently in the passenger seat of my mother’s car commaas we drove away from the cemetery. The last few tears I had left were now rolling down my cheek. I closed my eyes commaand laid my head against the head rest and thought about all the good memories. I know thinking about the good times doesn’t erase the bad ones, but one can hope right?


When we got home I went up to my room and laylaid on my bed. Mathew. He was all I could think about. I meet Mathew in 7th grade. He was the new kid from Ohio. He was so cute and so shy, but he got the nerve to come over to talk to me. Mathew had beautiful golden blonde hair, with gorgeous green eyes. He was every girls dream. He and I instantly bonded on the fact that both of our fathers had passed away. He was like my best friend, even though I had a best friend. I’d known Mathew for a day and he already knew everything about me, and I knew everything about him. Then just out of the blue he asked me to go to the movies, and ever since we were together. Tillie my best friend was so happy I finally had someone to connect to besides her.


Through out the summer Mathew had been complaining he didn’t feel well, but he quietly dismissed it as nothing. On the first day of 8thcommagrade, August 17, 2009, they found out Mathew had leukemia. His family and I were shattered, it should be a ; but Mathew knew he was going to die and he still tied to have a normal life. He had so much courage. He was determined to not let the cancer stop him from living what little of his life he had left. Mathew died July 10th 2010, on my birthday. He was 15, and had so much of his life to live, but it was all taken from him. Mathew Henson was my reason for living, and now I have to live in this cruel world without him.

I am going into 9th grade sad and alone. I used to be Sophie, Mathew’s girl, which I didn’t mind. Now I’m, Sophie the girl whose boyfriend died.

“Sophie are you hungry sweetie?” I looked up to my mom and shook my head. “If you get hungry just come tell me okay?” I nodded.

The last few days of summer were like that, a lot of ‘how are you?’, and a lot of nodding. I went into the 9th grade sad and depressed.

“Come on Sophie, please don’t act so sad.” I looked at Tillie.

“It’s kind of hard not to Till.” She scowled.

“Sophie he wouldn’t want you to be sad.” I looked at her.

“Probably not, but it’s hard not to be sad when there is very little that makes me happy these days.” Tillie still had her scowl on. She let out on aggravated sigh.

The cool breeze rushed over my face and tousled my hair. The rain was coming down just hard enough to drench my hair. Everyone was standing around tears in their eyes, and sadness in their hearts. There was desperation and a wanting to have him back. His poor mother was blinded by tears. My heart was aching to have him back, but his body was cold and his soul was gone. You don’t know how many times I have prayed and wished that all of this was a dream. He was gone forever. I couldn’t believe it.

These sentences to me are very choppy and boring. I can tell that you are at a funeral for a loved one, but the way you describe it is really plain.

The beginning sounds like ‘The breeze tousled my hair. The rain drenched my hair.’

You could just make it more exciting like ‘Icy wind and cold, wet droplets of rain attacked my hair, making it a soppy, tousled mess.’ Get what I’m saying?

The same goes for the rest of it. ‘Everyone standing next to me on this abominable day had tears on their eyes, though the rain covered the evidence of our sorrows.’

Maybe you could add a bit more detail of the graveyard, too. What did you hear? Thunder claps, cars on the nearby road, birds squawking. Smells? Flowers, wet grass and dew drops, people’s perfume.




We were all standing around the dug up hole with Mathews casket over it. They hadn’t lowered it yet, but everyone was still crying. Mathew was my forever and for always. He was my first real boyfriend. He was the first guy to say “I love you” and actually mean it. He was the reason I am at my first funeral. I loved him so much. I loved him more than life it’s self.

Mathew’s casket. Your second line makes it sound like even though he wasn’t in the ground yet, people were crying. Of course they’re crying! It’s not like people only start crying after that happens. Life itself.


I stood behind Katharine, Mathew’s mother. I placed my hand on her shoulder as the tears rolled down her cheeks. She rested her head on my hand. I held back my tears.


I sat silently in the passenger seat of my mother’s car as we drove away from the cemetery. The last few tears I had left were now rolling down my cheek. I closed my eyes and laid my head against the head rest and thought about all the good memories. I know thinking about the good times doesn’t erase the bad ones, but one can hope right?

Maybe you could say ‘laid my head against the cold, rain spotted window’ because laying your head on a headrest seems a little repetitive.


When we got home I went up to my room and lay on my bed. Mathew. He was all I could think about. I meet Mathew in 7th grade. He was the new kid from Ohio. He was so cute and so shy, but he got the nerve to come over to talk to me. Mathew had beautiful golden blonde hair, with gorgeous green eyes. He was every girls dream. He and I instantly bonded on the fact that both of our fathers had passed away. He was like my best friend, even though I had a best friend. I’d known Mathew for a day and he already knew everything about me, and I knew everything about him. Then just out of the blue he asked me to go to the movies, and ever since we were together. Tillie my best friend was so happy I finally had someone to connect to besides her.

Meet should be met. Every girl’s dream.
It’s impossible to know everything about another person. Period. But more so if you only knew him for a day.


Through out the summer Mathew had been complaining he didn’t feel well, but he quietly dismissed it as nothing. On the first day of 8thgrade, August 17, 2009, they found out Mathew had leukemia. His family and I were shattered, but Mathew knew he was going to die and he still tied to have a normal life. He had so much courage. He was determined to not let the cancer stop him from living what little of his life he had left. Mathew died July 10th 2010, on my birthday. He was 15, and had so much of his life to live, but it was all taken from him. Mathew Henson was my reason for living, and now I have to live in this cruel world without him.

Throughout is one word. You can’t complain about something, and then quietly dismiss it. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Why would he complain about it in the first place, then, if he didn’t want to trouble anyone?

I am going into 9th grade sad and alone. I used to be Sophie, Mathew’s girl, which I didn’t mind. Now I’m, Sophie the girl whose boyfriend died.

The comma should be after Sophie.

“Sophie are you hungry sweetie?” I looked up to my mom and shook my head. “If you get hungry just come tell me okay?” I nodded.

Comma after Sophie. Comma after head.

The last few days of summer were like that, a lot of ‘how are you?’, and a lot of nodding. I went into the 9th grade sad and depressed.

I don’t think you need that last line, your first line is powerful enough and explains it well.

“Come on Sophie, please don’t act so sad.” I looked at Tillie.

Notice in your dialogue that you never tell us who is speaking. You need to add in dialogue tags.

“Come on, Sophie! Please don’t act so sad,” Tillie, my best friend, pleaded.

“It’s kind of hard not to, Till,” I mumbled.

“Sophie, he wouldn’t want you to be sad,” she claimed.


“It’s kind of hard not to Till.” She scowled.

“Sophie he wouldn’t want you to be sad.” I looked at her.

“Probably not, but it’s hard not to be sad when there is very little that makes me happy these days.” Tillie still had her scowl on. She let out on aggravated sigh.


Okay! I realize there are problems but I just wanted to see how this story plot would go over!



Alright, so personally I didn’t go for the plot much. It’s tragic, but your main character takes it all in with no emotion. The story is in first person, and I would like to know more of what you’re feeling. Don’t just say ‘he was my everything’, tell us how when the day you found out he passed away it felt like your heart had literally been torn out your chest, or maybe you were crying so much it felt like someone had reached in and knotted your lungs together or something.

And I understand that she’s depressed and she’s been walking around kind of dead lately, but to me her attitude comes off a little mopey and it’s a little hard to sympathize with her.

On a high note, I enjoyed the back-story about Mathew and how the two of you bonded over the deaths of your fathers. That was very good. And the line about ‘there was a lot of ‘how are you’s’ and nodding’, that was good, too.

okays.
im not grabbed by this sorry.
i think you have a brilliant idea here and it could work out massively, but there are a lot of things that you need to check before getting started.
you need to work out whats in the chapters and plan properly.

this is too rushed.
one minute its at the funeral, the next its at her house, then at school, and etc.
you need to slow down and extend it so that you give the readers everything. we want to be dazzled. so dazzle us


anyways, PM if you change anything and want me too edit or review

~ #FF0000 ">emiliedanae;

Hello Name's Kin.
Your short story was an attention grabber yet, so many short stories and books have been about girls being depressed over thier boyfriends deaths. Im not trying to diss on your work. Don't get me wrong it was a nice small section and i liked the end note.
-Kin Ryu

AnneMarie96 wrote:The cool breeze rushed over my face and tousled my hair. The rain was coming down just hard enough to drench my hair. Everyone was standing around tears in their eyes, and sadness in their hearts. There was desperation and a wanting to have him back. His poor mother was blinded by tears. My heart was aching to have him back, but his body was cold and his soul was gone. You don’t know how many times I have prayed and wished that all of this was a dream. He was gone forever. I couldn’t believe it.


We were all standing around the dug up hole with Mathews casket over it. They hadn’t lowered it yet, but everyone was still crying. Mathew was my forever and for always. He was my first real boyfriend. He was the first guy to say “I love you” and actually mean it. He was the reason I am at my first funeral. I loved him so much. I loved him more than life it’s self.


I stood behind Katharine, Mathew’s mother. I placed my hand on her shoulder as the tears rolled down her cheeks. She rested her head on my hand. I held back my tears.


I sat silently in the passenger seat of my mother’s car commaas we drove away from the cemetery. The last few tears I had left were now rolling down my cheek. I closed my eyes and laid my head against the head rest and thought about all the good memories. I know thinking about the good times doesn’t erase the bad ones, but one can hopecomma right?


When we got home I went up to my room and lay on my bed. Mathew. He was all I could think about. I meet Mathew in 7th grade.comma not period He was the new kid from Ohio. He was so cute and so shy, but he got the nerve to come over to talk to me. Mathew had beautiful commagolden blonde hair, with gorgeous commagreen eyes. He was every girls dream. He and I instantly bonded on the fact that both of our fathers had passed away. He was like my best friend, even though I had a best friend. I’d known Mathew for a day and he already knew everything about me, and I knew everything about him. Then just out of the blue commahe asked me to go to the movies, and ever since we were together. Tillie commamy best friend commawas so happy I finally had someone to connect to besides her.


Through out the summer Mathew had been complaining he didn’t feel well, but he quietly dismissed it as nothing. On the first day of 8thspacegrade, August 17, 2009, they found out Mathew had leukemia. His family and I were shattered, but Mathew knew he was going to die and he still tiedtried to have a normal life. He had so much courage. He was determined to not let the cancer stop him from living what little of his life he had left. Mathew died July 10th 2010, on my birthday. He was 15, and had so much of his life to live, but it was all taken from him. Mathew Henson was my reason for living, and now I have to live in this cruel world without him.

I am going into 9th grade sad and alone. I used to be Sophie, Mathew’s girl, which I didn’t mind. Now I’m, Sophie commathe girl whose boyfriend died.i think you should add, which i did mind but thats just me

“Sophie commaare you hungry sweetie?” I looked up to my mom and shook my head. “If you get hungry just come tell mecomma okay?” I nodded.

The last few days of summer were like that, a lot of ‘how are you?’, and a lot of nodding. I went into the 9th grade sad and depressed.

#FFFF80 ">“Come on Sophie, please don’t act so sad.” I looked at Tillie.

“It’s kind of hard not to Till.” She scowled.

“Sophie he wouldn’t want you to be sad.” I looked at her.

“Probably not, but it’s hard not to be sad when there is very little that makes me happy these days.” Tillie still had her scowl on. She let out on aggravated sigh.
in the area thats yellow i knew who was speaking but the speaker tags, he said she said etc, made me want to think otherwise. for example, Sophie he wouldn't want you to be said. then you said i looked at her. you make the reader think that Sophie is talking to herself.

Okay! I realize there are problems but I just wanted to see how this story plot would go over!

Hello there, AnneMarie! iceprincess here to review!

The plot is fine, and I think it could be made into a very touching story: about how a young girl comes to terms with the death of her first boyfriend and how she matures in the process.

That being said, let us go on with the nitpicking!

Firstly, I understand that the story opens with Mathew's funeral, but then you would have to avoid a whole lot of infodumps. In these few paragraphs, you have already told us who was Sophie, who was her best friend, who was her first boyfriend, why poor Mathew died and how they became together.

These few pieces of information are crucial to the story itself, and I assume you're focusing on Sophie's recovery, so to say, instead of how they became a pair, but you will have to somehow fit in these details in the story without just putting a few blocks of info right in the beginning of the whole story. Maybe you could put how happy Tillie was when she knew Sophie had another person to talk to in their dialogues instead.

Here is an example of an infodump.

We were all standing around the dug up hole with Mathews casket over it. They hadn’t lowered it yet, but everyone was still crying. Mathew was my forever and for always. He was my first real boyfriend. He was the first guy to say “I love you” and actually mean it. He was the reason I am at my first funeral. I loved him so much. I loved him more than life it’s self.

When we got home I went up to my room and lay on my bed. Mathew. He was all I could think about. I meet Mathew in 7th grade. He was the new kid from Ohio. He was so cute and so shy, but he got the nerve to come over to talk to me. Mathew had beautiful golden blonde hair, with gorgeous green eyes. He was every girls dream. He and I instantly bonded on the fact that both of our fathers had passed away. He was like my best friend, even though I had a best friend. I’d known Mathew for a day and he already knew everything about me, and I knew everything about him. Then just out of the blue he asked me to go to the movies, and ever since we were together. Tillie my best friend was so happy I finally had someone to connect to besides her.

“Come on Sophie, please don’t act so sad.” I looked at Tillie.

“It’s kind of hard not to Till.” She scowled.

“Sophie he wouldn’t want you to be sad.” I looked at her.

“Probably not, but it’s hard not to be sad when there is very little that makes me happy these days.” Tillie still had her scowl on. She let out on aggravated sigh.