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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
HEYO!! Akelia here, for yet another review
Good news, this is my 25th review!!!! So, let's get this started.
You already know about my "sweet and sour" review thing, so I'll just go ahead and do this.
SWEET
1. OH MY GOSH YOU MENTIONED MY CHARACTER IN HERE!!!! OK, that was sweetness for me, hehe
2. OK, that ending was SOOOO good! And creepy, and...evil...
3. I liked how you brought in all the characters, and introduced them well. The conversation drifted well among them, and I liked the flow.
Now, for the nit-pics
SOUR
1. You made the same mistake again, using commas at the end of sentences.
Like...
a.Answered the Admiral nervously,
b.“Blast them!” he ordered,
c. whimpered the Wookiee taking the cuffs off Solo,
Just a few examples. Besides that, nothing was wrong from what I could see! Good job!
Never stop writing,
-Akelia Taske
The comma thing is under debate. I'm actually not sure if it's wrong. Oh well. that's what they made Google for.
I'm not a huge fan of fan-fiction so I probably won't read more than one of these but I saw you were looking for reviews and I thought I'd oblige!
Specifics
1. The first sentence could use some work - two people talking about 'random things' doesn't set us up for an interesting start. I want them to be having a dramatic conversation and then for something even more dramatic to happen. Start instead with the end line of the conversation and don't have the info dump telling us what the rest of it was about. If it's important, you can feed details in later. If not, leave the finer details out.
2.
3. I'm not sure I like that there's a ship called Merlin. The idea of mixing in something from our own world into the star wars universe doesn't fit well with me. Some sci fi does that but Star Wars has never been a show to play on our own culture quite so obviously.
4. We know they're on the Ghost so "Yep," answered Captain Hera, "That's one reason..." would be more efficient. Your readers will quickly work out which ship he's captain of.
5. This sentence needs to end in a full stop and your dialogue should end in a comma, then a small letter for 'said'. This is something you'll need to fix throughout. It should normally be a comma between the dialogue and dialogue tag, except when the tag is an action rather than a 'he said, she asked' kind of tag. Like:
"Hello," said Mark.
"Hello." Mark turned around and waved.
6. There's a lot of names being thrown into the next part - far too many to be remembered or for us to get a sense of who these characters are. Maybe cut the cast down a little for the moment and introduce new people a bit more slowly. It's hard to feel attached to any one character if we're introduced to them all in chapter one.
Overall
I think the second half flowed well and is sure to be well received by the fan base since it focuses on the original characters. I'm guessing these two storylines will converge at some point and that's a good promise to the reader that it won't just be new characters and the Star Wars universe, but that they'll get to see Han ad Chewy as well.
Hopefully this gives you a few ideas for ironing out the kinks in the story but this is a nice start so far.
All the best,
~Heather
You said you weren't sure about the name Merlin. A merlin is actually a type of bird (a falcon actually), and that's where I got the name. I'm a HUGE fan of Han Solo's ship: the Millennium Falcon, so I just picked up that name. And thanks for the review! I'll fix those grammar things and the typos.
~Me
Ah I see! It's not a bird I'm familiar with but I like the idea of having another ship named after a bird
I'm working on being a falconer so yeah, me too. That's actually what started my fanfiction. Long story.
I'm a fan of birds of prey too so that's really cool! I love Kestrels in particular and I'm swaying toward using it as a name should I one day have daughters