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(Vampire) Temp tittle! (part 1)

by Anma

Chapter 1

Gia opened her screeching screen door and knocked. No one answered so she cracked the front door looking inside. It was dark, her mother usually did this. Leave the blinds closed, especially on days she’s upset. Gia could only make out the velvet colored couch in the middle of the living room. Their brown coffee table in front of it. An ashtray sat in the middle of it, and Beer cans.

Has someone else been here? Or did mom get really drunk?

Gia continued opening the door and came in. Now she could see clearly. The wooden walls were polished and clean. There was a staircase to the other side leading upward. Gia continued into the kitchen. Its brown marble counters pulled all the color together. Another stash of beer cans sat on the table, as well as a pot of water on the stove. It wasn’t turned on or anything, even know it looked as if someone was going to make pasta. She picked up one of the boxes and examined it. There was a slight little droplet of blood on it.

Maybe she got a paper cut? Gia asked herself.

She headed to the stairs and to her room. She set her backpack on her chair. Gia took her notebook out putting in another entry when she heard a clatter.She dropped the book out of her small hands. 

“Mom?” she asked looking out into the hallway.

No one was there, she continued down the hallway to her mothers room. The door was open, and her mother was sprawled on the bed. Gia walked to her putting a hand on her shoulder.

“Mom,” she said gently shaking her.

She felt a warm fluid trickle down her hand. Gia pulled it away and looked at the red blood. Panic went through her.

“Mom” she said in almost a cry.

She grabbed a hand towel from her mother's dresser drawer. Gia dabbed some of the blood off to try and see where it was coming from. It was from two punctures on her neck. Chills went down Gia back.

What kind of animal would do this?

She reached for the phone on her side table dialing 911.Her mother had thought her the number when she got cancer. Gia put the phone to her ear ready to press call.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” a voice said from behind her.

Gia jumped up spinning around. A shadow stood in the doorway blood dripping from his hands and down his chin. she felt a scream skit up in her throat. Gia’s body was to in shock to scream for help. The shadow moved toward the light at the window seal, she got a glimpse of white fangs.

A vampire? She asked herself.

He moved toward her his arm out. Gia ducked under it running for the stairs. She slightly stumbled running down them. She heard the front door click, locking her in. Gia twisted and turned the handle, but it didn’t open. She looked back up the stairs and saw him walking toward them.

A weapon, she said, I need a knife.

Gia ran into the kitchen going through the drawers.

No, no, yes! She said pulling out a sharp one.

It shined from the light off the moon. Gia ducked behind one of the counters staying very still. She heard as the clicking sound of shoes headed toward her. She closed her eyes tightly turning away.

Please don’t see me, please just go away!

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509 Reviews

Points: 5369
Reviews: 509

Sun Apr 28, 2019 5:07 pm
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Magestorrow wrote a review...

Hi there, Anma! I'm here to review your piece. Since this is the first review you're receiving from me, I'll give you a quick rundown on how my style of reviewing works. I start off with a section where I comment on individual lines and/or paragraphs of your story, and end with a section where I give my overall thoughts on the piece. If you're not looking for reactions or nitpicks, it might be best to skip to the ending section instead. :)

Small Comments

Gia opened her screeching screen door and knocked.

Interesting hook! It's not the most unique first sentence that I've read before, but it does a great job at introducing the reader to the setting - which, I'm guessing, is probably a modern one.

It was dark, her mother usually did this.

The comma should be a period. :)

An ashtray sat in the middle of it, and Beer cans.

Has someone else been here? Or did mom get really drunk?

Beer should be lowercase, and Mom should be uppercase. But, besides the grammar, I'm intrigued - it sounds like the protagonist doesn't have the best family life, and I'm curious to see if there's truly something amiss.

Gia jumped up spinning around. A shadow stood in the doorway blood dripping from his hands and down his chin. she felt a scream skit up in her throat. Gia’s body was to in shock to scream for help. The shadow moved toward the light at the window seal, she got a glimpse of white fangs.

The story's name gave the plot twist away, but I think this really would have thrown me for a loop if I didn't know what to expect! It's a cool way to reveal that the blood is because of something supernatural, rather than something "normal" like a stab wound.

No, no, yes! She said pulling out a sharp one.

Don't forget to put in quotation marks. :)

Overall Comments

You definitely have me hooked! I want to know why a vampire broke into Gia's house, and why he chose to target her mother. My current guess is that this isn't the first time someone in her family has dealt with the supernatural, but I don't have much to back me up on that.

One of your story's weak points is currently the grammar, but there's an easy solution - I'd check it over by reading it aloud. I would also make sure you have your formatting right: dialogue should always have quotation marks, and thoughts are usually italicized to avoid confusing the readers.

Besides that, I would try to let the reader know more about Gia. We know that she presumably has a tough home life, since her first assumption is that her mom drank a lot of beer. We also know that she's good in times of crisis - after she realizes how hurt her mom is, she attempts to call 911. But the few moments you have in the chapter to really emphasize her individuality are with the dialogue. Her dialogue - both internal and external - is a lot of questioning and saying "Mom". If you're struggling to come up with what else she could say in a situation like this, trying imagining yourself in her shoes. What would you say if your mom was bleeding out on the bed?

Overall, this is a great start to a story! I'm curious to see where you take it, if I ever end up getting a chance to read more installments. <3

Anma says...

Thank you so much!

Magestorrow says...

You're welcome!

Anma says...

Kinda, it's more complex than that. There village has been known for vampire attacks. But this one is worse...

Magestorrow says...

Oooh, interesting! That's a nice twist - I don't see that a lot in vampire stories. Or, at least, modern ones. Maybe you can elaborate on that when someday revising this chapter? It would definitely up the suspsense, and cause the reader to get more worried for Gia and her mom.

Anma says...

Ya, lol

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108 Reviews

Points: 194
Reviews: 108

Sun Apr 28, 2019 4:47 pm
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manilla wrote a review...

Hi! Manilla here for a review. Let's get right into it, shall we?

As a reader
I like how you jump in right away with your characters and ideas - Many stories begin like this and capture the reader's attention.

However, I have a few notes to make.

1) There are some missing commas and punctuation errors that really defer from readability. If you type on Google Docs, there are some extensions (like "Gradeproofing with Al") you can use to catch these. This prevents a smooth communication of ideas. Or, you can use Grammarly. Also, for writing character thoughts, use italics. Formatting is a pain on YWS, I know, but beginning with the basics can lead to fluid, clear stories.

2) I'm really confused on who Bakarna is. A sister? How are Gia and her related?

3) The pacing felt rather rushed. Take your time with suspense - build up slowly, slowly, and go off with a bang. You can do this by adding details of the place that contribute to the tone, and just "zoom in" to every little action.

As a writer
There's much you can do with this classic vampire setup with the main characters, allowing you flexibility. As I mentioned earlier, even though you do jump in right away, you need to give us more information about Gia. You can include little snippets of text that describe her, like maybe a relative age, appearance, so her actions/behavior can be justified as appropriate for who (or what...) she is.

For example, if Gia is a young child, the first thought she would think wouldn't be to grab a knife, but rather scream and cry and vomit. But if she's a person who has experienced situations like this before, maybe not, so keep in mind who the characters are as you write. This could just be a draft, however, so revising the finished product could help with this.

Along with the other commenters, I can see that you have so many ideas you want to bring to life, but every fantasy needs a reality to root it into. Like setting, mannerisms of characters that set them apart.
But this is only the beginning, and with beginnings come a thousand paths. Keep on writing!

-Manilla out

Anma says...


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16 Reviews

Points: 258
Reviews: 16

Sun Apr 28, 2019 3:15 pm
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GirlWithATypewriter wrote a review...

Hey this is Nive here with a review!

First off all I really love supernatural fiction and I hope to read your next few chapters for an exciting plot. I did like the beginning, although would've loved to see a little more personification of the character. For example, you could've described Gia a bit so that the readers could have a clear image. And also, it feels like you are rushing through the story, hence making the chapter look like a prologue. I feel you could have elaborated on the scene where Gia finds her mother dead, giving an account of what her emotions were at that moment.
Also, another small thing that you missed putting some of your characters' speeches in double quotes and their thoughts in single quotes.
For example,
"No, no, yes!" She said
'Please don’t see me, please just go away!'

Overall, a good start and I am excited to read the next chapter.

Anma says...

Thank you!

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Points: 49
Reviews: 4

Sat Apr 27, 2019 10:28 pm
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I really like it! Maybe you could try to describe the characters a bit more visually? Idk thats just something that i though. Otherwise i really love your writing. please write more. you really have talent in my opinion. I look forward to reading more from you :)

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