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Untangle (Chapter 2)Age 16 recommended

by Anma


Chapter 2

Malory lit his cigarette rolling the window down.

“Want one?” he asked throwing it to Bakarna.

She looked at it on her lap and remembered that night when her mother cried about her own well being. She told Bakarna to never be like her, live a better life than hers. Bakarna set the pack on the center council.

“No thanks,” she said “ I’m good”.

Malory looked at her for a second then back at the road.

“So”, Bakarna said awkwardly “where are we going?”

Malory took his phone from his pocket and showed her a message.

“Bon said George is letting us take his cabin for the night, so were having a open campfire” he said breaking off.

“Unless you’d like to go to my house instead?” he taped his finger on the steering wheel.

“No,” Bakarna said “ I want to go to the cabin”.

Malory looked at her with a sad, but mad look.

“Look Malory” she said, he looked at her.

His expression shook her, he had care, and love in his eyes. Bakarna tried to shake it away but instead she reached across the council and grabbed his hand. It was warm in hers, and he had rough skin. Bakarna sat back in her seat slumping. This guy she said in her head. Guys were always to confusing to her, but he made her feel like a blind bat. They pulled up into George's dirt driveway. She saw the light from the flames already. Malory stopped the car and looked at her in silence. Bakarna felt butterflies in her stomach and she instantly looked away.

“I can’t” she said breathing into the glass.

Barkana heard him unbuckle opening the door, he slammed it as he left her.


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155 Reviews


Points: 11208
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Sun Jun 02, 2019 3:33 am
Toboldlygo wrote a review...



Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review! Let's get this piece out the Green Room now.

So the first thing I noticed is that there is a great story here, but it's a bit vague regarding the details. For example:

"She looked at it on her lap and remembered that night when her mother cried about her own well being. She told Bakarna to never be like her, live a better life than hers. Bakarna set the pack on the center council."

What did her mother do that was so bad? Did she die of cancer or other illness caused by smoking? Was she a drug addict? Alcoholic? Did she just never amount to much? Did she quit school? These are things that would be very helpful to know here when we see why Bakarna refused the cigarettes (good for her!), since this seems to be the only motivation we're given to do so.

Then again, in this paragraph:

"His expression shook her, he had care, and love in his eyes. Bakarna tried to shake it away but instead she reached across the council and grabbed his hand. It was warm in hers, and he had rough skin. Bakarna sat back in her seat slumping. This guy she said in her head. Guys were always to confusing to her, but he made her feel like a blind bat. They pulled up into George's dirt driveway. She saw the light from the flames already. Malory stopped the car and looked at her in silence. Bakarna felt butterflies in her stomach and she instantly looked away."

I don't really understand why this guy is so upset? Was he hoping to spend the night with her? If so, and if he really loves her and cares about her, why did he get upset, then, when she said no? He should have been happy to respect her wishes and make her happy, rather than get upset. Does he not really care about her? Is there more that you can put into his mind so that we see his thoughts while this is going on?

Overall, I think your characters are good and they are likeable. They have great potential, with back experiences and layers of personality that make stories worth reading. What we as readers need now from it is a deeper understanding of these characters and what motivates them to be the way that they are.

Happy Writing!

Toboldlygo




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Thu Apr 18, 2019 1:42 am
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queenofscience says...



Wow!

I have a feeling that somthing bad is going to happen.

I hope our main character is going to be okay.




Anma says...


Well, maybe, and ya...



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Wed Apr 17, 2019 1:35 pm
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Liberty wrote a review...



Oh snap! That was interesting... Lol. Why'd he just leave her like that? Why is he so mad at her for not wanting to go to his house? Like, hellooo this is Bakarna's life, Malory. Don't mess it up, bro.

Oops, I should have done a proper introduction. Lemme start from the beginning.

Hello Anma!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight depending on what side of the world you're on. Anyways, as you may have already guessed, I'm here to drop of a review. Alright, lets get right into it. I've noticed, that in every single story you do, the description is always, always, always, perfect. And, this story is no different. So great job on that.

Now, there were a few mistakes here and there that I'll quickly point out. You see, over here:

“Bon said George is letting us take his cabin for the night, so were having a open campfire” he said breaking off.


The bold word needs an apostrophe so it looks more like this: we're. Note, that we're is short for we are. And were is a past tense so you might wanna fix that. Both words have totally different meanings. ;)

“Unless you’d like to go to my house instead?” he taped his finger on the steering wheel.


The bold word just needs an extra p with the other p. Tapped is one word and taped is another. :)

Guys were always to confusing to her, but he made her feel like a blind bat.


The bold word needs an extra o at the end, then it's all set. Again, too is one word and to is another. Anyways, this was a great story and I can't wait for the next part to pop up! Tag me when it does!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




Anma says...


Thank you so much!



Liberty says...


No problem. I hope I didn't blind you with all the colors...



Anma says...


Not at all!! I love the colors while I'm reading feedback!



Liberty says...


That's nice to hear... <3




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