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That Boy

by Anma


That boy-

Brought a boy home one day.

Mamma said " he seems okay".

Gave him kisses, and the bright light of day.

Saying " everything gonna be okay".

Didn't know that one day.

That everything would fade away.

He put me on a leash,

Told me to obey.

Stupid girl now got a choke collar

And blinders on.

Mamma said, " what the h*** y'all up to"

She spilled her guts out.

That boy now ran away

With his tail in between his legs.

Chasing after another girl

With a teasing treat.

Did he ever learn what she taught him?

These tricks they used to play?

She thought if she loved him

It would chase all his demons away.

Now she walks with her heart Cut open.

And he keeps chasing after the girls.

Were will it get them?

Well you'll see....


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Tue May 28, 2019 4:48 pm
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xJade wrote a review...



Wesh! It's Jade here to review this. I know it's old but I still wanted to. Let's just start.

That boy-

Brought a boy home one day.

Mamma said " he seems okay".

Gave him kisses, and the bright light of day.

Saying " everything gonna be okay".

The flow and syllable count is great! The only thing you need to work on is your punctuation.


Didn't know that one day.

That everything would fade away.

He put me on a leash,

Told me to obey.


I adore the way you narrate this. This is where the flow and count goes off. But it is still OK.

Stupid girl now got a choke collar

And blinders on.

Mamma said, " what the h*** y'all up to"

She spilled her guts out.

WhAt HaPpEnEd To ThE rHyMe ScHeMe?? I know, when I write poems I find it hard to just have one rhyme scheme and keep it consistent. I do like the mom character! This is sad, and you have caught my emotions. I know how hard that is so GOOD JOB!

That boy now ran away

With his tail in between his legs.

Chasing after another girl

With a teasing treat.

Did he ever learn what she taught him?

I think you meant to change the rhyme scheme? Can you tell me why? Nothing to point out but maybe re-read this aloud to hear how the flow is off.

These tricks they used to play?

She thought if she loved him

It would chase all his demons away.

Now she walks with her heart Cut open.

And he keeps chasing after the girls.

Were will it get them?

Well you'll see....
I love the ending to this poem! OVERALL: I think you should fix up the grammar, keep a consistent scheme, work on the flow, but the message is clear and emotional and deep and amazing! Keep up the good work and I hope this helps.

-Professor JadeLotus-




Anma says...


Thanks



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Thu Apr 04, 2019 4:49 pm
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ThatOneGuy2002 wrote a review...



This is good, and a good representation of the sad reality of what has become of todays society. Nowadays it is rare to find someone who cares for others more than they do about themselves and their own pleasure and ambition. You did have a few grammatical mistakes though. I think you were trying to say "Choke collar" instead of choke color. Also, hell has 4 letters in it, you put four *s instead of three. Also, maybe think of a word other than "treat" for the last one, it just disrupts flow if you have two of the same words in one sentence.




Anma says...


Will do, thanks for the feedback!



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Tue Apr 02, 2019 3:32 am
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JabberHut wrote a review...



Hey, Anma!

I very much enjoyed your poem. It told of a very bittersweet story and had a unique spin on it. Pieces with this kind of theme always end up so dreary. This one ended with a little more mystery. It was more contemplative. I liked the direction you took with this.

Go mama by the way! She rocks. She saved the main character, and that makes me happy.

It ended a bit open-ended, and I'm hoping that means there's more to come. It seems to give that impression. If there isn't, I think I'd rather see a more concrete end to the piece. One that's a bit more decisive as to the fate of its characters.

I also feel like the structure is a bit loose, but I don't know if that's just me and my personal preference. It started out with consistent rhymes, but they kinda fell off about halfway through. The meter was struggling with the rhymes as it was, but again, it just fell flat halfway through.

It's a very thought-provoking piece. It also brings to light a very significant issue, and I applaud you for venturing into that domain. Well done!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




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Mon Apr 01, 2019 7:13 pm
4revgreen wrote a review...



I could really feel the emotions in this. It had really great imagery :-)
However, I do wish the rhyme scheme had been a little more consistent, as it started off with the end of each line rhyming the same and the kind of changed, I assume that was done on purpose, but I just feel it would have flowed better if it had a persistent rhyme scheme :-)
I liked the structure, it made it feel a lot more personal, like each line really meant what it said unlike great big chunks of text.
Overall, I loved the emotion in this poem!




Anma says...


thank you, it was kind of on purpose. I cant seem to keep the same rhyme scheme when I write poems.



4revgreen says...


ah, I have the opposite, I always have to follow a strict rhyme scheme. To be honest, I don't really think it made that much of a difference to the poem :-)



Anma says...


Lol, ya.. :)



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Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:53 am
brookeallo says...






Anma says...


Thank you Brook, you can review my work any time even if its just 4 sentences explaining why you want a review. :) :)



Anma says...


Thank you Brook, you can review my work any time even if its just 4 sentences explaining why you want a review. :) :)



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Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:27 am
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Honora says...



Hey Anma! This is very well done. It made me feel her (your) pain and it was very expressive. It was written in a creative way and that is major points for you. It's really good. Good job!! I would say more but I don't really know poetry so yeah...anyway, well done! :D




Anma says...


Thank you Honora!!




A memorandum isn't written to inform the receiver, but to protect the writer.
— Dean Acheson