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I'm not a genuis/Yet. PT 1 .To be continued

by Anma

Not a genius, yet

Based on the growth mindset*

I slip my bandaged fingers in my binder in the hope of finding something. A paper? Maybe a coin? Or was it, instructions on how to be the smartest kid in high school. When I was fifteen, my parents got divorced, and by the time I was seventeen I was dumped into foster care. I was turning eighteen in less than a month and supposed to graduate. At least, I hope to graduate…  On my eighteenth birthday I am supposed to be ready to handle life on my own and move out. But the truth was, I’m not ready for the life ahead of me.

May 23, 2010

I jolted down notes after notes as Mr. Henry talked on the civil war. I felt like the stupidest kid in school. I have only one chance to make it into college and if I cant graduate I wont be accepted to become what I want. I want to be somebody who changes every ones life with there brain. I stopped placing me pencil on my lap. A genius? I thought.. Yes, that's what I want to be. Maybe then people would accept me. And look up to me, not down at me like they do. 

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98 Reviews

Points: 11248
Reviews: 98

Wed Sep 04, 2019 10:54 am
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Asith wrote a review...

Hello! This piece already has a lot of reviews, but I can't help but give my two cents as well, especially since I think this is a perfect example of a story with a lot of potential but a lot of room for improvement.

Firstly, this story (or at least this part of the story) is entirely character-based. That's fine, but it means that its really important to have a strongly developed character! You can't be expected to develop them completely in the opening chapter of course, but some more development here would be nice I think. The character isn't entirely hollow, you've given them a clear goal and a clear conflict already, so you're on the right track -- I just think a tint bit more information couldn't hurt. Describe the divorce -- who does the main character blame? The foster care -- how exactly has that affected the character? It's worth noting that you've told us that all these things happened, but you haven't really described how the main character feels about them. If the reader doesn't care about the character enough, then this piece loses all impact, so it's worth looking into!

Also, basic grammar rules should definitely be checked. No one's expecting you to be perfect already, but you've gotten a lot of basic grammar and punctuation wrong. They're easy to learn, so go look them up too! :)

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852 Reviews

Points: 23705
Reviews: 852

Tue Sep 03, 2019 2:07 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...

Hi Anma,

it looks like you have a nice little character background so far, and also a clear conflict with the character dealing with a lack of stability in her home life and also struggling academically and socially - in fact it looks like the main character is really suffering at the moment. I hope that there's another chapter or scene after this one, because it ends on quite a sad note, where none of the conflicts get resolved at all.

A few questions I had while reading:

1) What is the character's name - it is easier to connect to someone if you know their name, and especially since the 2nd half is written like a letter you could easily have it as a sign-off.

2) Is the 2nd chunk of the piece a flashback or is it written in the same time frame as the 1st chunk? It's not clear.

3) What does the growth mindset have to do with any of the story? I think this could be explained a bit more, but I like the thought.

Other Suggestions
This piece really needs a second look for grammar - I would suggest typing it into word, and seeing where the red or green lines pop-up for errors, or just reading it out loud to get some of the issues out.

For instance -> "cant" -> should be "can't",

"every ones" -> "everyone's",

there -> "their".

"placing me pencil" -> "placing my pencil",

"I thought..." -> needs three dots to be a proper ellipses (...),

"And look up to me, not down at me like they do."<- that's a fragment sentence.

So as you can see there are quite a few errors, almost every line, which can get pretty distracting for a reader's comprehension. Try reading pieces out loud, it'll really help you out I think.

My other suggestion is to have the second installment have more than just internal dialogue to get a little more action into the piece, this piece was pretty heavily internal, and while that's interesting, it does make the story feel like it's all just inside the speaker's head.

Good luck in editing and writing! Keep at it!


Happy #RevMo !

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13 Reviews

Points: 1625
Reviews: 13

Sun Sep 01, 2019 3:47 pm
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Cici wrote a review...

Hi, Anma!

I loved reading this, and it has such an interesting plot. The title is quite captivating, and I was immediately hooked. I didn't know what the growth mindset was, so I had to search it up. It seems incredibly fascinating, and I can't wait to see how you incorporate it into this story. Thanks for introducing the growth mindset to me.

I definitely think that you could have added a little more detail. Not exactly long-worded descriptions, but instead simple specifics. What color was the binder, and when her parents divorced, which one was responsible for her? Also, why was she put into foster care; how did that happen? Besides this, I think that Part 1 was a wonderfully built foundation for the rest of this short story!

I really enjoyed the way you wrote the main character's thoughts and aspirations: they really added personality to this character. I assume we will get other details regarding the physical attributes of the character later. Another aspect that I liked about your character was that she/he wanted to be accepted by everyone else. Although maybe include if that meant making friends (or does she/he have friends) and how she/he wanted to be accepted besides them not looking down on her/him. This might mean adding a sentence like "maybe then people would let me sit at their lunch tables/talk to me in the hallways/include me in their conversations."

Btw, I am also assuming that this is going to go a bit like 'Flowers for Algernon' (I might be wrong, and I don't know how to italicize on here), but if so good job!

Of course, I can't tell how this story will go, and you might have everything already planned out so that it includes those details. Either way, this was a pleasure to read, and I look forward to Part 2!


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412 Reviews

Points: 65738
Reviews: 412

Sun Sep 01, 2019 3:42 pm
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Tuckster wrote a review...

Hey there Anma! Tuck here for a review

I slip my bandaged fingers in my binder in the hope of finding something
I would say "binder pocket" here to avoid confusion, since I assume you're referring to the pocket in the front of a binder and not just the binder in general.

I want to be somebody who changes every ones life with there brain
Wrong their.

I stopped placing me pencil on my lap
This doesn't really flow right. I think you mean "I stopped and placed my pencil on my lap", but either way, you should use "my" instead of "me".

I really liked the last end because it so succinctly summarizes what everyone who craves success really wants: to be respected and to be looked up to. I think it captures the main character's goals very nicely and poetically and it's a great last line to wrap up the story.

When I was fifteen, my parents got divorced, and by the time I was seventeen I was dumped into foster care.
This part feels like a short info-dump, and I think there are better ways of presenting this information to the reader. I would say something like, "I had been on my own since I was 15, when my parents had divorced, and since then I had made it my goal to become the smartest kid in high school." That way you're linking that piece if information to something relevant to the story and proving that it belongs in the story.

Also, if your main character's parents are divorced, it's more standard for the child to live with one or both of their parents rather than going into foster care. They would only go into foster care if they were orphaned or if their parents were deemed unfit by the state (if you're in the US) to care for the child.

And as my final note, I don't think having the date there adds anything to the story since it seems somewhat haphazard. It might work if you had the date at the beginning of the story so that the reader could see the time that had progressed between the two parts of the story, but throwing out a random date doesn't really add anything to the story, nor does it put it in a proper context. More than anything, I think it distracts the reader, which thus detracts from the story.

I hope these points were helpful to you, and if you have any questions for me, please don't hesitate to let me know! I hope this review didn't come across as too harsh, as that was not my intention, but I hope that the critiques I gave were helpful and help you improve this and your future writing! Best of luck in your future endeavors!

All my best,

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302 Reviews

Points: 18713
Reviews: 302

Fri Aug 30, 2019 12:02 pm
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Liberty wrote a review...

Hello Anma!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm glad you're back and have already started posting! I'm here to give you a review. Let's get right into it, now, shall we? Yes, we shall... ;)

Alright, so I see part one is a sort of introduction to who your character is. Uh-huh. I see. Well, you've done a great job with describing life so far for her/him. I like how you tell us it's a bandaged finger right at the beginning. That was a good idea. And then looking for a paper or maybe even a coin! (:

Maybe if you were going to tell her/his age, and if their parents are divorced or not, you might as well tell us their name. :)

Also, real quick suggestion: I suggest turning the numbers to worded numbers. Just the ages. The date at the bottom is cool. Another thing is that we learn quite a lot about this person and her life, but... where's the setting? Where is she at? Questions like these aren't quite the best. Usually, it would be best to start with the setting, but it's your story and it'll be great in the way you direct it.

Alright, so this little bit was definitely an easy read and I can't wait to see more from you soon. Of course, if you've got any questions, feel free to ask me whenever! Hopefully this review helped you in some way.

And as always...

Keep on writing!


Anma says...

Thanks! And I'm doing pretty well

Liberty says...

Sure thing!

Perfection is lots of little things done well.
— Marco Pierre White