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E - Everyone

Gateway (Downtown)

by Anma


-Gateway 

Sit on the rough grass, fiddling with my thumbs.

Humming to the beat of the drums.

-

Taste the salty air at the tip of my tongue. 

The smell of cigarette smoke hitting my lungs.

The sound of the water rising high in the air.

-

As I look at everyone,  glimpse a couple by the stairs.

I didn't mean to stair, get the sick feeling in my gut.

What it would feel like to be in love.

-

My fingers brush against a flower.

I sit there for about an hour.

The beautiful old buildings became a crum.

The leafs beneath my feet sound a crunch.

-

See the homeless signs as I walk by.

Maybe stop just to say "hi".

Feeling peaceful to be honest.

There's nothing to do on my list.

-

Ride the train around town.

See the amazing graffiti crown.

No need for me to frown.

I mean I'm in downtown?

-

Feeling light, and high.

The deep sounds of cars going by.

Looking up at the beautiful sky.

How time seems to just go by.

-

Time to leave, with my bag in hand.

Something to look forward next time.

I say goodbye as I get on the front.

How fun this day actually was.


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Points: 145
Reviews: 41

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Fri Apr 05, 2019 3:52 am
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brookeallo says...



I will say this is a really cute poem like it gives of that quirky vibe. I am going to try and review this as best as I can. I would say there are a lot of grammer issues that need to be worked on a little. In the first sentence I would suggest adding an ing to make fiddle, fiddling so that the sentence structure is correct. Throughout the poem it seemed a little like you were trying to make it rhyme to much and for me that interrupted the flow sometimes and by trying to make it rhyme it seemed like you added words that didn't exactly fit into the poem. In the first line of the second stanza I would change and the tip of my tongue to of the tip of my tongue cause it sounds like with the and that you are tasting the tip of your tongue. The smell of ciggarette smoke hits my lungs is a little iffy of a statement as you smell with your nose not your lungs. Also in the line below that I am just a little confused on why the water is rising high in the sky. There where other little gramatical mistakes but I would if I were you just go back through it and look for them there pretty easy to spot. The ideas were there and the feeling overall it just needed some editing on how you phrased things. I hope to see another one of your poems soon!




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Fri Apr 05, 2019 3:29 am
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Honora wrote a review...



Hey Anma! Here for that review I promised! I literally say this EVERY time I review poetry so you may have seen this before. Oh well. I don't know much about poetry so if any of what I say goes against some rule, let me know so that I can learn! ;)
Overall, I really like this poem. It gave me a good image of how downtown really is. Graffiti is EVERYWHERE and it's kind of sad how many homeless people there are. It gave me a sad/happy feeling. I know, I know. How can I be sad and happy at the same time? It doesn't make sense to me either but oh well, that's what I felt when reading this. :)
The only thing I found a little odd was that you were rhyming and rhyming and then it would just stop. The flow was a bit off because of that. I would get in a groove with the rhyming and then my brain would kind of stumble when it stopped. I get that not every line has to rhyme but don't go a whole stanza without one if the rest have lots. Especially the last stanza. I feel like it should have gone out with a bang! :) It was still pretty good though!
I hope this helped!
Your friend,
Honora




Anma says...


Thanks!



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Fri Apr 05, 2019 2:53 am
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Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi Anma, here to do a quick Review on your poem,

Riming
Okay so here is one of the big things that I notesed,

Taste the salty air and the tip of my tongue.

So I see your riming things really well here, it goes every line riming it all to gather,

I didn't mean to stair, get the sick feeling in my gut.

Then I feel like the riming just got taken out of the image here,

Ride the train around town.

Then I feel like you go strait back into riming everything to gather. So your kind of riming then your not then you are again. I am not shore why this is but its a bit weird that your riming for the one time and then the next your not

What I really liked
Other then the riming thing I must say this was a really nice poem to read,

Ride the train around town.

See the graffiti crown.

No need for me to frown.

I mean im in downtown?


I really liked this bit of the poem, I did notes that im was spelt wrong, So im is spelt I'm and you also need the i to be a capital, you just mist two things there, other then that it was all very good.

[quote]How fun this day actually was.[quote]
I love the ending to this poem very nice.

So that is all that I can say this was a really nice poem, I hope you find this review help full, I also hop I was not to harsh if I every am pleas for give me, also I no I am not the best at spelling but I will help you if I can. :D

@EagleFly Out To Seek And Kill




Anma says...


Thanks @EagleFly lol



Dossereana says...


No problem.




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