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Lost in the maze of life

by Anika


LOST IN THE MAZE OF LIFE

I left a trace to find my way, 

But that trace is now fading away

for you have gone forever from my life.

Even after knowing that when you left smiles were none,

You did leave without even asking my opinion.

Heart break was all that I got. 

I am merely living, not knowing for what.

You went away but left some unforgettable memories 

that we created ages and ages hence;

I’m incomplete without your tame existence.

Clouds of ignorance soar overhead,

Smoke of misery is dense

Darkness envelops my soul

And pain is intense.

I’m lost in the maze of life

 for I am the soul and you were my eyes

But now those eyes are lost to sight

Making me permanently blind.


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Points: 150
Reviews: 3

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Fri Oct 26, 2018 5:40 pm
princess79 wrote a review...



Very well written. You are a great poet! The words are really beautifully written with deep, hidden emotions and feelings and your poem is unique and stands out from others.
Life can certainly seem like a confusing maze sometimes that’s for sure. Just like in a maze very often we feel that we made a wrong turn and need to backtrack. Leaving a trace to find a way to back up and take another route or make a different choice is a nice comparison. If we feel that we need guidance from a special someone and that person leaves, then the situation can become confusing. I like how the person who is gone is compared to eyes and how her absence is the reason that the speaker feels lost in a labyrinth. Not sure how her life was tame though and who is being ignorant. Would have liked to be given a hint.
I left a trace to find my way,

But that trace is now fading away

for you have gone forever from my life.

Even after knowing that when you left smiles were none,

You did leave without even asking my opinion.

Heart break was all that I got.

I am merely living, not knowing for what.

You went away but left some unforgettable memories

that we created ages and ages hence;

I’m incomplete without your tame existence.

Clouds of ignorance soar overhead,

Smoke of misery is dense

Darkness envelops my soul

And pain is intense.

I’m lost in the maze of life

for I am the soul and you were my eyes

But now those eyes are lost to sight

Making me permanently blind.
I like the idea of this poem. I get the sense that the speaker once felt complete with this other person, but now that person is gone and the speaker is struggling with the pain and heartbreak and unsure how to move forward alone. There's also some neat images you could play with and expand further.

However, I think this poem falls into a common pitfall of trying too hard to rhyme. We've been exposed to rhyming poetry and songs since we were kids, so I think it's a natural impulse to want to rhyme when we start writing poetry. But rhyming is actually a much harder skill to master than it first appears. It's not just about the end words, but also the meter and syllable count. It's about making the line sound natural and not forced. It's about having a consistent rhyme scheme (in this poem, it seems like you were going for couplets, but there's some spots that are inconsistent).
Now instead of thinking about the ideas and images of the poem, I find myself trying to understand the weird grammar. Ideally, you want your words to flow and not sound choppy when you read them out loud.

The second example brings in an interesting idea, but the odd wording of "ages and ages hence" again provides a distraction. "Hence" is an archaic word, and now my mind's on a tangent wondering if this makes sense. The next line is stronger because of the wording of "tame existence". This brings me back into the poem because I'm now intrigued by how this person that had such a devastating impact on the speaker can be described as "tame". That's an idea that could be worked with.

I often suggest that people start writing poetry using free verse. When you don't have to worry about the rhyme scheme, you can find the best way to express your ideas. You can use the best word rather than the word that rhymes. You can bring in more concrete images and metaphors that make us think of the idea of your poem in a new way. You can find your voice as a poet, which you can then learn to translate into different forms and structures.
LOST IN THE MAZE OF LIFE

I left a trace to find my way,

But that trace is now fading away

for you have gone forever from my life.

Even after knowing that when you left smiles were none, [would be gone]

[y]ou [left] without even asking my opinion.

[Heartbreak] was all that I got.

I am merely living, not knowing for what.

You went away but left some unforgettable memories

that we created ages and ages hence; [ ages ago]

I’m incomplete without your tame existence. [How was it tame?]

Clouds of ignorance soar overhead[.]

Smoke of misery is dense[.]

Darkness envelops my soul[,]

[a]nd pain is intense.

I’m lost in the maze of life[,]

for I am the soul and you were my eyes[.]

But now those eyes are lost to sight[,]

[m]aking me permanently blind.
[ . . . . rendering or leaving me . . . .]
Quotes like these show how the speaker sees the person they have lost as simply.. ordinary. Not that thats bad, but it makes it hard to connect with the speaker about why they are upset about losing such a bland person in their life. Then again, that may be the message you are reaching for. But even the description of their sadness seems to be a little too cliche.


Looking forward to reading more of your poems.




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Tue Jul 03, 2018 7:43 pm
aelihe wrote a review...



I feel that many of us can connect to this poem simply because everyone has lost someone. But, this poem explains how a the speaker is morning the loss of something they cared about, but they describe them so vaguely.

"Even after knowing that when you left smiles were none"

"I’m incomplete without your tame existence"

Quotes like these show how the speaker sees the person they have lost as simply.. ordinary. Not that thats bad, but it makes it hard to connect with the speaker about why they are upset about losing such a bland person in their life. Then again, that may be the message you are reaching for. But even the description of their sadness seems to be a little too cliche.

"And pain is intense."
"Heart break was all that I got."

I think if you used more describing words to help this poem stand out from the other 1000, it would be really beautiful!




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Tue Jul 03, 2018 1:29 am
SnowMonkey says...



This is beautiful. Well done :)




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Mon Jul 02, 2018 9:47 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Life can certainly seem like a confusing maze sometimes that’s for sure. Just like in a maze very often we feel that we made a wrong turn and need to backtrack. Leaving a trace to find a way to back up and take another route or make a different choice is a nice comparison. If we feel that we need guidance from a special someone and that person leaves, then the situation can become confusing. I like how the person who is gone is compared to eyes and how her absence is the reason that the speaker feels lost in a labyrinth. Not sure how her life was tame though and who is being ignorant. Would have liked to be given a hint.

Suggestions

Clouds of ignorance is good imagery only if the reader can understand who is being ignorant and in what way.

Heart break was all that I got.
[Heartbreak was all that I got.] or
[Heart-break]
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/heartbreak

[ . . . . [m]aking me permanently blind.
[ . . . . rendering or leaving me . . . .]

Not sure ir the word “hence” is the correct word:
http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/hence

trace = 2


LOST IN THE MAZE OF LIFE

I left a trace to find my way,

But that trace is now fading away

for you have gone forever from my life.

Even after knowing that when you left smiles were none, [would be gone]

[y]ou [left] without even asking my opinion.

[Heartbreak] was all that I got.

I am merely living, not knowing for what.

You went away but left some unforgettable memories

that we created ages and ages hence; [ ages ago]

I’m incomplete without your tame existence. [How was it tame?]

Clouds of ignorance soar overhead[.]

Smoke of misery is dense[.]

Darkness envelops my soul[,]

[a]nd pain is intense.

I’m lost in the maze of life[,]

for I am the soul and you were my eyes[.]

But now those eyes are lost to sight[,]

[m]aking me permanently blind.
[ . . . . rendering or leaving me . . . .]

Looking forward to reading more of your poems.




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Mon Jul 02, 2018 4:57 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Anika and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review.

I like the idea of this poem. I get the sense that the speaker once felt complete with this other person, but now that person is gone and the speaker is struggling with the pain and heartbreak and unsure how to move forward alone. There's also some neat images you could play with and expand further.

However, I think this poem falls into a common pitfall of trying too hard to rhyme. We've been exposed to rhyming poetry and songs since we were kids, so I think it's a natural impulse to want to rhyme when we start writing poetry. But rhyming is actually a much harder skill to master than it first appears. It's not just about the end words, but also the meter and syllable count. It's about making the line sound natural and not forced. It's about having a consistent rhyme scheme (in this poem, it seems like you were going for couplets, but there's some spots that are inconsistent).

Even after knowing that when you left smiles were none,

You did leave without even asking my opinion.


that we created ages and ages hence;

I’m incomplete without your tame existence.


These are two examples of forced rhyming. The smiles line uses some weird syntax to get the rhyme, which makes the whole sentence sound unnatural. Now instead of thinking about the ideas and images of the poem, I find myself trying to understand the weird grammar. Ideally, you want your words to flow and not sound choppy when you read them out loud.

The second example brings in an interesting idea, but the odd wording of "ages and ages hence" again provides a distraction. "Hence" is an archaic word, and now my mind's on a tangent wondering if this makes sense. The next line is stronger because of the wording of "tame existence". This brings me back into the poem because I'm now intrigued by how this person that had such a devastating impact on the speaker can be described as "tame". That's an idea that could be worked with.

I often suggest that people start writing poetry using free verse. When you don't have to worry about the rhyme scheme, you can find the best way to express your ideas. You can use the best word rather than the word that rhymes. You can bring in more concrete images and metaphors that make us think of the idea of your poem in a new way. You can find your voice as a poet, which you can then learn to translate into different forms and structures.

To close, I'd like to point out some of your stronger lines, the images and ideas I think you could get more out of if you rewrote this without being concerned with the rhyme.

I left a trace to find my way,



This is a strong opening line that leaves me with questions. A trace of what? Where did you leave this trace? How is the other person connected to this trace?

You went away but left some unforgettable memories


This line is kind of plain, but it hints at a larger story I'd love to hear. What are these memories? What are the images that will stick in your head when you think of this person? Bringing in concrete details is where a piece can really stand out and get into the reader's head.

Clouds of ignorance soar overhead,

Smoke of misery is dense


This is some nice imagery. Perhaps you could play more with weather metaphors.

I’m lost in the maze of life

for I am the soul and you were my eyes


The "maze of life" metaphor is one that could definitely be fleshed out. I also like the idea of the speaker being a blind soul without their "eyes".

Overall, this has some interesting lines and ideas which I think could be expanded upon without the constraints of a rhyme scheme. Welcome again and keep writing! :D




Anika says...


Thank you for the review... I would certainly endeavour to improve my mistakes




Obsessing over what you regret won't get you anywhere.
— Steggy