Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

E - Everyone

Pieces

by Amnesia


You told me to trust you and I did

Despite the voices in my head screaming at me to not do it

You told me you would never leave

Convinced me that you were all in

So why am I here? Crying in pieces on the floor

Wishing you would wrap me up in your arms

Kiss me like you used to,

Dancing with me under the stars like we used to.

You said that you loved me

But did you really mean it?

When you put that ring on did you mean what you said?

You may be fine

But I'm not

Its a struggle each day

To wake up without you next to me

To find a reason to smile

My heart was was already being held together with glue and string, it wasn't whole and pieces were missing.

Yet I still gave it to you

I trusted you enough to give you something that was so easy to break

And instead of holding it close and using super glue to make it whole again,

You set it on the ground and stomped your foot onto it

What am I to do now?

Shards of my heart are scattered around me on the bathroom floor

I don't know how to begin picking it all up

I doubt that I can even repair what you've singlehandedly turned into dust.

And yet the only thing that can stop my tears

the only thing in this world that can make me smile

Is your arms around me again, dancing under the stars.

the world is cruel like that.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
392 Reviews


Points: 19028
Reviews: 392

Donate
Tue May 14, 2019 11:21 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you on this lovely night. I am also here to help get you work out the green room, and help you out.

Okay so let's start with the things I saw that needs to be fixed. I only saw two small things, so to me that's really good.

Okay here is the first one I saw.

Convinced me that you were all in

Okay so the word in bold is what I would like to talk about. So convinced is a really good word to use, but I doesn't really flow that well, so I thought changing it to convincing would be better, and it would still go nicely with the sentence.

Okay here is the second one I saw.
My heart was was already being held together with glue and string, it wasn't whole and pieces were missing.

Now there is nothing wrong with what you have said here, but it is a very long sentence, and the rest of the poem being filed with short lines, this doesn't really flow all that well. So if there was away to divide it, or shorten it, then that would be great.

Well other than those few things this poem was really well written, and I really do wish it has lasted a little longer.
This wonderful work was filled with so much emotion, helping us as your read to connect with the pain you are feeling. It also helped a lot with the words you chose to use, it helped the emotion go through the whole poem.
Your grammar is great, I couldn't see a singer things wrong there, everything looked like they were in the write place. The was nothing wrong with your spelling to.
Over all this poem was really well written, and I loved reading it and helping you out. I thought the length was really good to, it wasn't to long or to short, and it told quit a nice story to.

Just know your not the only one out there having trouble with your relationships, there are many people on YWS who would be willing to talk about it with you, Just PM me if you want to talk.
I hope you will keep posting amazing works on YWS, because I would love to read more of your work. Never stop writing and have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




User avatar
58 Reviews


Points: 336
Reviews: 58

Donate
Tue May 14, 2019 1:09 am
Aliceinhorrorland wrote a review...



Hello, I’m here to review this heartfelt poem! I’m going to start with the things I really liked about this poem:
I know that this is an emotional piece and it’s like I’m transported into your heartbreak. The imagery in this was excellent and the use of metaphors honestly brought the poem together to capture your emotion. I loved how you ended it, because it’s just like BOOM! And then you’re left kind of just starstruck. It was a nice effect.
I also appreciated the story you told in this, sometimes that’s a hard thing to do and you did it almost flawlessly. I hope your heart patches up one day <3

Alright now on to some critique:

- One big thing I’m going to say is the punctuation of this flickered on and off. I see this mistake commonly in a lot of poetry, like I used to neglect it to. But I get what people were saying, it comes off as a big run off without it. Basically, you’re supposed to add commas and periods or other punctuation to the end of your poetic sentences to help with the flow. That’s just some advice I’m going to give for your future poetry.

- This isn’t really a “critique critique” it’s just a suggestion. But I think it would be cool if you played around with adding bold and italic words to your writing. Lol like to make it stand out more. Though I really liked the stanza spacing in this :3

- This is the last critique, I promise!
Here’s a sentence I thought you should change/ simplify:

“And instead of holding it close and using super glue to make it whole again,”

I think it would flow a little bit better with something like this:

“And instead of holding it close and making it whole again,”

This is just my opinion, but it’s easier on the eyes if you get the gist.

Anywayssss~ that’s all my critique! This poem conveyed a tradgedy and honestly it’s really good. Definitely keep writing


-Alice





A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.
— Markus Zusak, The Book Thief