My fingers laced your delicate skin, and in that instant a melody appeared. A song written in goosebumps and discoloration. A song that reaches its climax when the scarred skin meet a caring touch for the first time in a while. This song may be silent, but it rang in my ears so violently I couldn't forget.
God, I miss how my ears used to bleed...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Short review for a short piece.
First of all, yes, there are some tenses issues but nothing horrible. The message gets across just fine.
Nice imagery. I can almost hear the slow crescendo. I also love the contrast and the harmony between the goosebumps and the discolorations.
I agree with Ink. No "oomph". But I don't think it's a length issue. Your problem, as I see it, comes down to rhythm. It's too bad really because the music image can easily come with its own tempo.
The orchestra starts playing upon contact and you have a very nice climax (« God, I miss how my ears used to bleed... »). Maybe try giving your text a bit of a beat (pun intended).
Also, pay attention to your vocbulary. If you use the same words, again and again, no matter how skillfully you put them together, you will find yourself playing more or less the same old tune, ad nauseam.
Hello, Amethyst, I'm Ink. I don't know if I've ever reviewed an "Other" work, so let me know if I do something off
This is micro-fiction I see here, and I know how tricky it is to write. Conveying a story in a really small number of words is difficult. Still, I feel as if the theme is rather ambiguous here. So, it could mean an abusive relationship (like what the reviewer said below) OR it could mean that the narrator is comforting someone who is abused? I appreciate the fact that's it's open to interpretation, though, and I'm not too sure whether it should be cleared up or not. But I am a little confused by the last sentence...
I don't really feel the *oomph* that this piece is supposed to deliver. Like I said, micro-fiction is tricky. I tentatively think that the ambiguity *may* play some role in this, but I'm not that sure myself. I do like the song metaphor though, as if it's revealing whatever harm "you" got.
There are some tense switching here and I would definitely like it if you chose to stick with one of them.
I sincerely hope this review is helpful but not too harsh. Let me know if you want to talk about this piece or my review
Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!
This is quite short, yet quite effective. I must admit, the message can be interpreted in many ways. An example could be about an abusive relationship. However, I did manage to find two mistakes, both to do with tenses:
"... It rings in my ears so violently I couldn't forget." Here, you changed tense in a sentence which didn't require this. The 'couldn't' should be replaced by a 'cannot' and an 'it' can be added at the end.
"... When the scarred skin meet a caring touch..." The 'meet' should end in an 's', since the sentence isn't really in past tense.
Overall, I think this is pretty good, although a little too short. You could also work on your tenses. I hope this review helped!