Acknowledging the drastic effects that an experience can bring, I vowed to use all the resources at my disposal. For this reason, I applied to *** High School, where I’m on track to graduating with an associates degree in science. Attending such a rigorous school has undoubtedly opened many doors of opportunities. In fact during my freshman year, I took the challenge of participating in my school science fair, in which I advanced to district and placed third. I also participated in the Science and Engineering Fair of ***. Through my experiment on the effects of microorganism on food spoilage, I acquired a taste of how the scientific process functions. I was also able to gain greater perspective on the engineering process through the Science Research and Design course I enrolled in. Seeking to have a different perspective of science this year, I enrolled in Ap environmental science and submitted artwork to *** For my upcoming junior year, I am genuinely thrilled in having received the opportunity along with two other of my peers, to participate in the NASA ExMass project. In this national standards-based lunar/ asteroid research program,
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Hi fizzygirl here for a review,
ok so first of all if this is an essay I think you need to make it more personal and less formal.
For starters instead of saying: For this reason i applied to... maybe loosen it up and say: Because of this reason i applied to...Just little things like that.
Instead of saying: For my upcoming jumior year.... maybe instead say: For my junior year ahead, just to make it less formal and more personal.
If this were a job interview, it would be perfect but it depends on what you are using it for inperticular.
All in all this is a very well written essay and the vocabulary used was of the highest level but maybe it isnt suitable for an essay of such.
Very good essay though.
Hi Amethyst101!
It would help to have a bit of context to go with this. It looks like some kind of application to study or work?
If you're giving a speech of some sort then it could pass, but generally with an essay you want to start your opening sentence with what the essay will address and how it will do that. Your decision to make the most of your resources is a great thing to include, but maybe a few more lines into your opening paragraph.
Next you'd go on to background information. I reckon from 'I took the challenge of participating' to 'NASA ExMass project' is perfect for this. You've listed your motives and achievements in a very concise and well ordered way.
After that you would go on to talk about what it is you hope to gain from the opportunity and what you think you could contribute to it.
I feel like that's the best advice I can give right now. If you upload the rest or make any changes tag me and I'll happily come back and read over again.
Hello, Dino here for a short review!
Right off the bat, I can tell you that this is kind of incomplete mainly because you didn't finish what you were typing. Unless you wanted people to just read this part, I suggest getting the rest of your thoughts onto the paper before publishing it. Another thing I'd like to suggest is, which you do have a nice topic that you're doing this on, I would want something more with in. Something that can actually inform me about what your essay is about because as of right now, it only seems to be more about yourself then something giving some information to people who would want to read it.
Also, I would suggest giving more of a background to your essay. Like, from this short reading, I think this might be your introduction (which also feels a bit weak). In some places, you do give the reader some bit of a background but it doesn't quite suit the rest of your work. I want to know more about why you wrote this essay and what made you write it.
Another thing to keep in mind is be wary of big chunks of paragraphs when writing essays. You don't want to bore the reader, also. Give them some facts about your essay as well as some important details you don't want to leave out.
I think this essay, while short, could use some work and I know you are able to do so.
If you have any questions, let me know!
Dino
Uh oh! It seems like the rest of this didn't get posted, considering the last sentence is incomplete!
I think it would help if you included the essay prompt and situation as an author's note at the start of this - that way people will know what the goal of the essay is. Is it a college application essay, or an essay for a class? Was there a specific prompt, or were you allowed to write about whatever you want? People will be able to give you better, more detailed feedback if you add an author's note at the start.
Now, looking over the little that's here, I think this is a college application essay. So based on that, here's my advice so far.
1. Why are you so interested in STEM? It seems obvious that your interest and experience in STEM programs is what you're talking about here. Your experiences - placing third in the district science fair and being accepted into a NASA program, as well as graduating high school with an associate's degree in science - immediately make you stand out, it's true. That's good. But it's time to get personal. Why do you like STEM? What first drew you to science (if you can remember)?
2. Where do you want to go with STEM? If you're only in high school, it can be difficult to say exactly what you want to do with your life - I'm long out of high school, and I'm only just now starting to figure it out (I think). But if you have some idea, that's a good thing to include. Is there a specific field you'd want to focus on - astronomy? Environmental sciences? What would you like to do in this field? Research/field work? Do you want to be an astronaut or an engineer who builds rovers? Or would you rather teach and share you love of science with future generations? Or perhaps you'd like to go a step further and improve STEM programming in schools.
3. Get specific. Right now, this is very general - you talk about a NASA internship/program (astronomy), an environmental class (environmental science), and a science project dealing with microorganism growth on food (biology, which could get either into zoology or medical biology or something, depending on your specific concern). As you said in your description, this is currently very much just a list of your experiences. Think about detailing one or two of these experiences (depending on max word count, if the essay has a max word count). Which ones mean/t the most to you? Which one did you most enjoy or are most looking forward to? What about it makes it the one that most stands out?
Hope this helps!
Hello, this seems like a personal statement for application to university/college/apprenticeships/jobs etc? I'm going to treat it like that but if I'm wrong let me know.
First of all this should probably be in separate paragraphs, even if the paragraphs are quite small. It's difficult to categorise each thing you've done and it just becomes a bit of a blur. This would make it easier for the reader to know why each particular thing is important.
To that end, you need to explain why each thing you mention is relevant to whatever you're applying for. A lot of people applying to something are likely to have similar experiences, so you need the people to know why these experiences are important to the specific thing you're applying to, not just the skills you gained from them. Although I guess this could also have been that tell me how your skills are relevant to what you're applying to, and why you should be given priority.
Your grammar and stuff is fine btw.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits