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16+ Violence

Diamonds in the Rough 💎 1: Kidnappers

by AmayaStatham


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Back in the car the kidnapper grabbed a piece of cloth from behind him and covered Carla’s face. She kicked him with her feet causing him to groan but grip her tighter. ‘Let me go, you piece of…’ As she tried to take another breath, the narcotics on the cloth made her pass out.

‘She is a fighter,’ he remarked and placed her on the bench of the car as he took over the wheel from a younger girl with the same eyes as him.

‘We did great, Reggie, but we have to find shelter fast because in no time her father will send a search party.’ She said as she tied her hair in a ponytail.

Timothée Chalamet starring as Reggie

‘You do look like 16 if you tie your hair that way, you know.’ he chuckled as his focus shifted from the road to Sia.

‘Why are you not worrying? Her father is a mob boss.’ Sia said as she looked at Carla from the back mirror.

‘You can put a tie wrap around her hands, if that’ll make you feel safe.’ Reggie said as he watched the road again.

‘I never feel safe doing these things, you know that.’ Sia said, a little angry.

‘Come on Sia, I didn’t mean it like that.’ Reggie said, trying to make up.

*

After driving for some time Carla finally awoke. As she slowly opened her eyes, adjusting to the sunlight shining in her eyes and the fact that her hands were tied. She looked around and realised she was still in the kidnapped car.

Reggie remarked, ‘Welcome back princess.’

‘Where the hell are you taking me?’ she asked, blunt and not afraid at all.

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt starring as Sia

Sia looked at her and asked, ‘Do you want water?’

Carla gave her an up-down look and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’

‘Yes, yes. Carmen Carla Helena Sanchez, daughter of the famous mob boss, cocaine seller and arms dealer, King Julio Sanchez. Not to forget diamond collector.’ Reggie answered and took a breath after which he added, ‘You see Princess Carla, whether you like it or not, you’re stuck with us. We need something from your daddy and then we’ll bring you back safely if not we’ll kill you. It’s as simple as that, you’re not getting out of here alive.’

Carla smirked, ‘Of course that’s the only thing everyone knows me by. Anyways, in that case, I’m leaving here.’ After finishing she broke her tie wrap and jumped out of the driving car rolling on the street.

‘Shoot! Sia, take the wheel.’ Reggie shouted and hit the brakes.

He too jumped out of the car running after Carla who was sprinting away. After several seconds Reggie caught up with Carla and tried to grab her again, but Carla fought him again.

‘Look I don’t fight girls, alright? So why don’t you step into the car nicely and no one gets hurt.’ Reggie said as he tried to hold her still.

‘What if I want to hurt you, huh?’ she said and kicked him in his chest.

As she aimed a kick at Reggie's chest, he managed to partially block it. The gritty asphalt beneath their feet was making it only more difficult. Reggie attempted to grab her wrists, trying to restrain her without resorting to aggression.

Carla ducked and avoided Reggie's attempts to control her. With a turn, she delivered a couple punches. Reggie, despite his reluctance to harm her, had to defend himself.

‘You have some skills,’ Reggie remarked as he blocked one of her punches. ‘Sadly, I have some skills too.’ he winked.

‘You’re a kidnapper!’ she shouted.

Reggie shook his head, ‘No, I’m not. I’m merely a diamond merchant.’

She kicked him once again and tried to make a run.

‘So that’s how you want to do it huh?’ Reggie said and grabbed her by her legs and swung her over his shoulder.

Carla was punching and fighting Reggie as he effortlessly walked back to the pickup with her.

‘I despise you!’ Carla screamed angry in his ear.

Sia opened the door and Reggie threw her in the back and got in himself.

‘Looks like you’re gonna have to drive, Sia.’ he said, placing his hands behind his head as he made himself comfortable.

Carla was attempting to open the door and escape once again.

‘And don’t even think about opening the door, princess.’ he said and in a flash of a second cuffed one of her hands to his hand.

Carla rolled her eyes and sighed, ‘What do you want with Julio Sanchez?’

Reggie chuckled, ‘Well, for starters. I’m not after your father, I’m behind his diamonds and-’

Sia cutted him off by saying, ‘Reggie, you sure you want her to know our plan?’

Carla said, ‘He is most likely to fail if he plans to steal from Julio Sanchez. He has been number one on the blacklist for decades along with his double top security, you’ll never get past it. Why are you even helping him? Is he your boyfriend or something?’ She chuckled at this remark herself.

‘Boyfriend? No, Sia is my sister.’ Reggie said.

‘Imagine.’ Sia said as she paid attention to the road again, ‘No one wants to be his girlfriend.’

‘I’m seriously offended by that, Sia. I have feelings too!’ he shouted playfully.

Carla chuckled to herself and said, ‘So is this your way of making a livin’?’

‘I know what you’re trying to do princess,’ Reggie remarked. ‘Trying to get to know us and then sell us out huh? Not happening, by the way, was your mother Italian?’

‘Reggie, seriously?’ Sia asked while she looked at him through the back mirror.

They talked for a while and then it all became quiet.

Carla had never been kidnapped before, but if her kidnappers were like this she would gladly get kidnapped every day. Much as she hated her father, she didn't want to hurt him. Carla knew there was no point in trying to escape, but if the car stopped she would try again.

She eventually dozed to sleep and Reggie then placed her cuffs on the car door. After that he took over the wheel and Sia also took a nap.

***

‘Where the hell did they take her?’ Julio Sanchez asked some of his security henchmen.

‘Boss, listen I’ll make sure that-’ one of them tried to calm him.

Julio grabbed the man by his collar and said, ‘Boss listen? No, Pablo, you are not allowed to speak to me that way, is that understood?’

The man nodded, ‘Yes boss, Sorry boss.’

‘I want to know who that buffoon is that kidnapped her. Send out all the spares to search for her.’ Julio said as he started coughing heavily. ‘I want my Carla back and that buffoon dead this afternoon.’

Pablo nodded once again and pulled out his phone, ‘I’ll alert the others.’

‘We need Detective Gonzales. My nephew is bad news, but I think his wife can help solve this.’ Julio said at last and picked up his glass of water.

‘But Boss, they are on leave, because of their pregnancy.’

‘Then find someone who can solve this! I want my daughter back!’ Julio shouted and finished his water.

***

Now as the car suddenly stopped in a heavy jolt both Sia and Carla awoke.

‘Reggie, what the heck?’ Sia exclaimed as she reached her neck.

‘Well, I hope you guys enjoyed your naps, because we’ve just run out of fuel.’ Reggie said as he threw his hands in the air.

‘The heck we have.’ Sia shouted. ‘When we took it you said it was full!’

Reggie said, ‘Oh come now sister, let’s not get mad shall we.’

‘The heck I shouldn’t!’ Sia shouted once again and jumped out of the car. She took a bottle of water along with a travel bag and threw the key back in the car.

Reggie fastened the cuffs to his hand again and an annoyed Carla rolled her eyes at him.

‘Can’t have you running away again now can I, princess?’ Reggie said and started walking alongside Carla.

‘This is what you get if you hijack the wrong cars, you have to walk in the burnedass sun, Reggie.’ Sia said as she pointed her middle finger to her brother.

‘I’m enjoying your sister’s company.’ Carla said as she laughed.

Reggie chuckled, ‘Sure you are.’

~~~

Constructive criticism is highly appreciated:

* On the content mainly

* On the Writing style


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Wed Mar 06, 2024 9:21 pm
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SkyVibes wrote a review...



Hello hello! SkyVibes is here to read and review! As my last review, I will be reading and sharing my thoughts and constructive criticism as I read this masterpiece!

So at the beginning of the story, I was wondering what "bench of the car" meant....I'm guessing maybe the dashboard???

When Reggie tells Sia (first of all I LOVE THE NAMES), you look 16 if her hair is put up, the sentence sounded a little confusing. I know what was being said but the sentence just sounded a little confusing to me. Maybe it's just me lol.

One thing I'm noticing a lot in this chapter so far is with the conversation the word "said" is used a lot. Maybe try using different words like remarked, snapped, growled, laughed, sarcastically remarked, and such.

Just nitpicking here, but when Carla wakes up and Reggie says welcome back, there should be a comma "Welcome back, princess"

When Carla wakes up I do imagine that she has at some point sat up and that when she looks up and down at Sia. However, i didn't catch anything saying that is what happened...

So from what's happening when Reggie and Carla are fighting, I do think it's intense and I do like it but I am curious about if Carla is on the ground and Reggie is on top of her trying to get her under control or if this is happening while they are both standing. Also another nitpick. would any of the punches or kicks cause Reggie to feel blood on him from the attacks?

Overall I do like where this story is going and I can't wait to read the next chapter. Unfortunately, I'm sure this has shown in my review, but I don't have much time to make a good review, but I hope my review was helpful to you!

Keep on writing and soar high!

-SkyVibes




AmayaStatham says...


hey Sky! Thank you so much for the nitpicks (they make so much sense, I just wanna shout plotholes! ^-^), your review was definitly helpful. <3 I'm going to take a look at then once I start editing.

Cheers,
Amaya

Ps: I'm glad you love the names and enjoyed.



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Tue Feb 13, 2024 3:26 pm
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Ley wrote a review...



Hello! :D I'm back to review Chapter 1! Can't wait to see if Carla somehow gets out of this. I usually review as I read and then go back at the end and add some stuff. Lets get started!

First impressions...

As always, a great start! The way you wrote Reggie and Sia's relationship made me feel like Reggie is making Sia do this with him-- so I'd like to know more background on that. I couldn't stop thinking about it. If she didn't want to do this, and Reggie loves and wishes the best for his sister, why would he even put her in this situation? *justice for Sia xD*... and Carla, of course.

When I was reading this I felt...

Intrigued, again, and happy that you gave us some background on who Carla's dad really is, and how dangerous he is. One thing I kept thinking about though, was if Carla's dad had all this security, why wouldn't she so that this wasn't possible? Of course, being a crime lord, her father knows about what extent people would go to, especially when It comes to family, so I'm surprised that he didn't assign security to Carla as well. But, maybe that's something you're saving for another chapter!

My favorite line/quote is...

This is my favorite quote from Carla:

Carla said, ‘He is most likely to fail if he plans to steal from Julio Sanchez. He has been number one on the blacklist for decades along with his double top security, you’ll never get past it. Why are you even helping him? Is he your boyfriend or something?’ She chuckled at this remark herself.


Because in my head I was saying 'they already did steal from him, they stole you! xD I thought that could've been a funny response that either Sia or Reggie could've had. I also like how Carla was defending her father here, despite their differences. Do I sense some character development coming soon? o.O

Some things that could be improved are...

I found eight or nine grammar mistakes, but I won't point them out because I feel like Word can do that for you, and you said you wanted feedback on the content and writing style again (unless you want me to point out the grammar mistakes, then I will in the next one. Just say the word! :D ) :

Writing Style: The writing style of this was solid! I don't have any suggestions here. I loved the flow of this chapter, and it was slow paced enough to where nothing happened to quickly. The fighting scene was solid. Dialogue was clean. Great job here!

As for content: I'm still craving more descriptions on Carla's interactions! What does she think of Sia and Reggie? I'd like to know more internal thoughts instead of dialogue, because that way the reader can connect emotionally to the Main Character. Just a suggestion, though!


Overall...

This was a wonderful start to the novel! Now the prologue makes sense! :D I can't wait to read the next one. See ya later!

With Love,
Leya




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Sat Feb 10, 2024 11:59 pm
Avian wrote a review...



Hello, fellow author! I saw your work in the Green Room and decided to deliver a bird-themed review for you, partially inspired by the YWS S'more Method! Let’s dive right into it! (Bird-style, of course)

Bird’s-Eye View: First Impressions!

When I saw this piece, I made sure to go back and read the prologue just to get some context! This piece immediately intrigued me, from the cleverness of Carla to the cunning of Reggie. You have a unique and intriguing plot going on here, and I'm interested to see where it's going!

Flying High: Things I Loved!

One thing I thought you did really well within this story is create unique and complex characters. So far, each character has a unique voice and personality. You even gave us pictures to help your readers visualize those characters! I can tell they are all well thought through. I'd love to hear more about their thoughts and emotions in future chapters!

Another thing I thought you did well was add mystery. You leave the readers wanting to know more about Carla's father and her past. You gave us just those little bits of information to keep us intrigued!
You also make us curious about Reggie and Sia's motives and past. This keeps me wanting to read on to figure out why they're kidnapping Carla.

Bird Song: Favorite Lines!

Carla had never been kidnapped before, but if her kidnappers were like this she would gladly get kidnapped every day.

Oh boy, I'm sensing some Stockholm syndrome! This sentence really ques the readers into Carla's thoughts and feelings about the whole situation. With this, we can also start to justify some of the decisions she makes within the chapter. One sentence can really pack a punch, and you did it with this one!

‘I never feel safe doing these things, you know that.’ Sia said, a little angry.

This sentence also adds to the mystery of the story. It makes it seem like this is almost a common occurrence for Sia and Reggie. It also developes our understanding of Sia and Reggie's relationship.

Preen Your Feathers: A Bit of Advice!

To build off of what Cupid said previously, I'll also talk about pacing in this piece. A lot is going on right now, and it feels almost like we blow over major moments in the story. One trick for slowing down a story is to add lots of little details. This could be as simple as describing the scenery, to as intricate as describing the innermost thoughts of a character. And, if you really want to make things feel drawn out, choose a moment of slowness, or while characters feel like they're just waiting. In this slow moment, describe the character's feelings, and maybe even have them reflect on something from their past, or their motivations in this story. Doing this can also make the readers feel connected to the characters!

Also, keep in mind that these are just my preferences and suggestions. You are the author, after all, and it is your choice to use my suggestions. Feel free to take and leave what you please! :D

Lifting Off: Closing Thoughts!

Overall, this was a funa nd interesting read. With unique characters, a bit of mystery, and an interesting storyline, you kept me intruigues throughout the whole story! I'm excited to see what you share next!

May the birds sing to you, and keep writing! -Avian :smt051




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Mon Feb 05, 2024 3:45 pm
Kledja says...



Hi I am new here so I want to leave some words for these piece because I love this kind of writing.

I can understand very well the dialogue and your way of delivering is great.
I think that you should put some inner thoughts.
For example what is Reggie thinking on his mind “ damn her eyes are tempting”
If you do some of that I think it will spice things a little bit.

Overall I enjoyed and I am waiting for your other updates on this.

;)




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Mon Feb 05, 2024 3:06 pm
Youbeaucupid wrote a review...



Good morning Amaya! It's officially February and you know what that means!! It's Valentines month! So to go along with Valentines...I thought I'd do a Cupid's review! Let's dive into your story, shall we? Cupid's got her love arrows ready, and I'm excited to share my thoughts, Cupid style—consider it a love letter to your verses! :D

❤️ First Impression: Love at First Verse

Hey there! So, I jumped into your story, and whoa, talk about a rollercoaster from the get-go! The kidnapping scene is intense, and I'm already hooked. Carla, Reggie, and Sia feel like old pals, and I love how you thrust the reader straight into the tension. But hey, a little more background on these characters could really amplify the emotional connection.

🩶 Room for Improvements: Cupid's Guidance

Okay, let's zoom in on the nitty-gritty. The story's like a thriller movie, but we can make it even more gripping. How about adding a tad more background on our trio? Not a full-blown biography, just enough to give readers a more intimate understanding of what makes them tick. Little snippets about their past, their motivations—think of it as inviting readers into the characters' inner sanctum.

And in those heart-pounding moments—those intense exchanges—consider throwing in a few more cues. Imagine it's a choreographed dance, and every move matters. So, instead of just dialogue, maybe incorporate subtle gestures, expressions, or even inner thoughts. These could be like breadcrumbs leading us through the labyrinth of emotions. Clarity during these intense scenes is like a secret weapon, you know?

One more thing on my list here: let's talk about pacing. You've got this thrilling plot, but sometimes the speedometer might need a little tweak. Maybe slow down a bit during those crucial moments, let the tension simmer, and then bam! Hit us with the unexpected. It's like a masterful storyteller playing with their audience.

Okay, I might be nitpicking here, but you've got the raw ingredients for a literary feast. Just a pinch more of this, a dash more of that, and you're cooking with gas! o((>ω< ))o

💛 Highlights of Piece: Cupid's Shooting Stars

Now, let's talk dialogue—your secret weapon! The dialogue is seriously the unsung hero here. I mean, Reggie's laid-back vibe is like the cool kid at school who's effortlessly charming. And Carla? Her boldness is a breath of fresh air; she's not one to mince words, and I love it. The chemistry between them, mixed with Sia's presence, creates this trio that feels like they've been together forever.

And that twist! Sia being Reggie's sister? Brilliant move! It's like you sneakily pulled the rug from under me, adding this whole new layer to their relationships. Suddenly, I'm not just reading about characters; I'm getting to know them, their history, their quirks. It's the kind of surprise that turns a good story into an unforgettable one!! 🩷

💖 Favorite Lines: Cupid's Love-struck Arrows

"The heck we have. When we took it, you said it was full!"


I don't know why, but this line made me laugh because I thought of my sister while hearing this. Sia's frustration here adds a layer of realism to the situation. It's like a spark in a powder keg, igniting a heated exchange between the characters. The dialogue crackles with intensity, and I'm right there with them, feeling the heat of the moment.

"I’m enjoying your sister’s company."


Carla's humor in the face of danger is like a burst of sunlight in a storm. It's unexpected, delightful, and just the right touch of levity in a tense situation. I could almost see the wry grin on her face, her eyes sparkling with mischief. The contrast between danger and humor makes this line pop. 🎉

"This is what you get if you hijack the wrong cars, you have to walk in the burnedass sun, Reggie."


Sia's frustration here is palpable. The choice of words, "burnedass sun," adds a layer of vividness to the scene. It's not just a complaint; it's a snapshot of their predicament that brings the environment to life.

🩷 Closing Thoughts: Cupid's Cosmic Applause

Alright, my writing enthusiast, let's linger on these closing thoughts for a minute. Your story isn't just a narrative; it's a wild ride through the minds of Carla, Reggie, and Sia. I'm all in, hanging on every word! Now, about the pacing—maybe a bit of tweaking in a couple of spots, but you know how it is, refining the masterpiece.

And can we talk about your characters? They're not just ink on paper; they're friends I want to grab a coffee with. The banter, the dynamics, it's like I'm witnessing a real-life sitcom. Carla's sass, Reggie's laid-back charm, and Sia being the voice of reason—it's a trio made in storytelling heaven.

Now, the humor? Pure gold. It's like finding that unexpected treat in the story, making me grin ear to ear. I mean, who knew a kidnapping scenario could be so entertaining? Your dialogue, especially those zingers, is a secret weapon. I’m legit invested in their journey, and that twist about Sia being Reggie’s sister? You sly genius!

So, Amaya, as I wrap up this love letter to your tale, I’m eagerly awaiting the next chapter. The mystery, the humor, the suspense—it’s a potent combo. Keep those twists coming, and remember, your readers are here for the long haul. Can’t wait to see where you take this.

Fly high writer, Cupid 💘




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Mon Feb 05, 2024 1:45 pm
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Ley says...



This is just a comment because I'm gonna come back later to review, but I love this first Chapter! <33





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