The Ninja Kombat IV game cartridge came with a label "13+ for violence." Midori Foster could only wonder who'd left such a game lying around for her two young charges to find. It was a two-player game; right now, she was facing off against seven year old Yang. Turning the joystick this way and that, the yellow-haired girl controlling the Soaring Ninja was holding her own surprisingly well.
To be fair, Midori had only half her attention on the screen as she sat cross-legged on the simple wooden floor. The other half was monitoring Yang's younger sister, five year old Ruby Rose: mischief-maker and cookie-addict extraordinaire. The little redhead claimed she was only going to the bathroom, but judging by the loud noises coming from the kitchen, she'd taken a detour to search for her favorite sweet treat.
"Soaring Ninja wins!"
Midori let Yang defeat her again and excused herself to check on her other charge.
True
to Midori's expectations, Ruby had jumped onto the kitchen's granite
counter, her tiny body only half-visible as she rifled through a deep
cabinet. When Midori cleared her throat, the silver-eyed girl turned
around, her rosy face smeared with melted chocolate. The bag of
chocolate chips fell to the counter, stray brown morsels scattering on
impact.
"Ruby Rose, what are you doing?"
"There
were no more cookies," the
little girl replied simply, as though that explained everything.
"Come on, let's get you cleaned up." Midori put her hands around the girl's chubby waist and hoisted her down.
The
back door opened slowly with a creak, revealing a tall, skinny man with
bad hair and several days' worth of stubble. A tattered red cape
billowed out from behind him despite the stagnant summer weather, and
with his free hand, he raised a silver flask of who-knows-what to his
lips.
Ordinarily, Midori wouldn't let a creepy bum
like this into the house. But this particular creepy bum was none other
than the girls'....
"Uncle Qrow!" Ruby squealed, jumping out of Midori's reach to hug
her uncle and spreading the glorious chocolate mess to his ratty gray shirt. "You're here!"
Midori and her former professor regarded each other coolly. His red-eyed glare practically screamed quitter,
and the worst part was that he wasn't wrong about it. But Midori held
his gaze firmly, defiantly before Ruby broke the minute-long silence.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hey there! This has been in the Green Room for long enough - let's get it reviewed!
I actually really enjoyed this. I'm not at all familiar with the story behind this, but I could follow what was going on easily. What really made this story work was the characters - someone babysitting two kids isn't automatically going to be interesting, but the kids were endearing and I enjoyed watching Midori interact with them. You made them each seem like distinct characters without feeling like one of the various stereotypes of little kids.
It was also interesting her reaction to seeing Branwen. I'm guessing readers probably already know what has gone on between the two of them, but still, you could maybe hint at it a little more or at least let that conflict develop a bit more within this story.
Because that's my biggest critique: this doesn't really feel like a story. It feels like a short little filler scene in a novel. You start out with a nice beginning, then hint at conflict when Branwen shows up, but after that nothing really happens - you never build on it. She just decides to stay to keep an eye on the kids, and the story ends with an unsatisfactory trailing-off. It doesn't feel like there's been rising action, climax, and then denouement - it feel's like you've just gotten to the hook, but then it turns out the hook doesn't really go anywhere, because by the end of the story not much has changed - she's still sitting there, babysitting them, even though Branwen's in the house now too.
But I think if you delve in deeper into the conflict between the two of them and tie her decision to stay to that, then you could have a very good short story.
That's all I've got! Good luck, and keep writing!
Hey, I'm here for a quick review.
I liked how lighthearted this was. It was not all serious like I expected it to be, until I reached the part where Midori met Branwen. Honestly, I found the professor dislikeable, because although he knew she quit, he should put a good front in front of his nieces. I don't know, I just don't like him. Unless she quit in a most insulting way, Midori had no reason to be ashamed for that (plus, she described him as creepy, so I guessed that was a good reason to quit).
Other than that, I thought this story was too short for all the characters to fit in here. As the main character, Midori had to have something that makes me care about her. The part about her meeting Branwen made me symphatize her, but it wasn't enough. There wasn't enough context for me to truly feel what she felt. What happened between her and Branwen? Why did she had to babysit Ruby and Yang?What did it mean with 'poor combat student'? The story didn't impress as something that had anything to do with fighting at all, so that part stood out a bit.
Other than that, the story had a nice flow and plot. It just needed to be explored a little bit more. Keep up the good job! ;D