Who Am I?

by AliceinBluue

Who am I?

Such a simple little question,

Yet so hard to answer.

Like searching a black night,

For an ink black panther.

Who am I?

I know what I’m not,

Or rather, what I try not to be.

But I feel like I often loose he battle,

Against that restless sea.

Who am I?

I know what I’m made of,

Of my skin and my heart.

But I know I also have,

A stardust and lioness part.

Who am I?

I feel like I’m infinite,

Wild and free.

Contained by nothing,

Except of course, by me.

Who am I?

I know I am bound,

By this earth and its rule.

Trapped in a world,

That is endlessly cruel.

Who am I?

I am joy,

I laugh and I joke.

But then sometimes I feel,

Like I’m halfway broke.

Who am I?

I guess the true answer,

Is that I don’t really know.

And that ultimate answer,

Will forever be my foe.

Who am I?

I leave this question for you,

Because perhaps you can see me clear.

Past all my doubt,

Past all my fear.

So, who am I?

Comments

Points: 16802
Reviews: 276

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Fri Sep 29, 2017 8:39 pm

rosette wrote a review...

Hey there AliceinBluue!

Just dropping in for my 48th/50 reviews for this month.

This is an interesting topic! I love the repetition of the questions, and each different and unique answer to it. First stanza states how difficult this question is; second is what you are not; third is what you're made of; fourth is what you feel like; fifth is what you know you are; sixth is who you are; seventh you say you don't really know what you are; and in the eighth and final stanza, you leave the answer of this question to us. A nice touch, indeed. But I wrote out the idea of each stanza to help me get a clearer understanding of what you did here.

In stanza six you say you are joy, BUT sometimes you feel like you're halfway broke. (I liked that part). The following stanza you ask again, "Who am I?" and answer it with "I guess the true answer is that I don't really know." I found that just a little contradictory to the previous stanza, in which you state confidently "I am joy". You did throw in that "but" but it didn't seem to change the overall theme there. Of course, that joy part isn't enough to answer your question of "Who am I?" however, I thought it threw the pattern off a little. You sound so unsure and uncertain in every other stanza - I know what I'm not, I feel like I'm, I know what I'm made of - like you're giving us hints but you don't want to say what you are, because you don't know what you are. Then we come to stanza six, and the "I am joy".
It just threw things a little off kilter for me.

But, onto some other specifics!

I'd suggest tweaking the format of this a bit, and not leaving it all in one paragraph-ish chunk. For example, maybe something like this could work:

Who am I?

I leave this question for you,
Because perhaps you can see me clear.
Past all my doubt,
Past all my fear.

So, who am I?

But you can play around with it, see what you like best. I like the idea of the "Who am I?" floating before the following stanza.
Concerning this particular section I highlighted... I'm not really a fan of the "So" before that last question. It sounds awkward, and reads awkward, plus you stated in the preceding stanza: "I leave this question for you". So, we know this question is directed to us now.
I think it'd be perfectly fine if you simply left that ending as keeping up with the repetition: "Who am I?"

Overall, I thought this was beautiful. The imagery of the black night, stardust and lioness part, and especially stanza three (which was probably my favorite) all worked together so well. I really enjoyed reading this, and I hope you have a fantastic day.

cheers for now!
~rosette <3

Points: 161
Reviews: 51

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Fri Sep 29, 2017 7:40 pm

Ishan212 wrote a review...

Hello AliceinBluue

I am Ishan212 a.d I'm here to review your poem Who Am I?. Spelers start the review.

First of all I can not stop praising your choice of words. Your rhyme scheme is what for what I've no words for. A very intelligent choice of words,you've made up there.

The second thing I liked in your poem was it's meaning. Your poem was meaningful. Really meaningful. A person,a girl in this case, trying to discover her true self, what she really is and what she can do and achieve after realizing her true potential. The girl in the poem is confident about her a d hence the "lioness part " and "stardust" is mentioned in the poem.

You also wrote about the cruelty and the harshness o the real world. The girl in the poem, tries to find the infinity in the finite possibilities of the cruel harsh competitive world out there.

I think it was a fantastic poem.
I can not praise it further.
It's your second work for the YWS.
Keep Writing!!!

Ishan212

Waiting for another poem from you.

Points: 31396
Reviews: 760

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Fri Sep 29, 2017 7:36 pm

ExOmelas wrote a review...

Hi there! I have one review left to do this month for the Order of the Ravens. I had been intending to wait for one of the novels I've been following but well... *crickets. So here I am!

Nit-picks:

Like searching a black night,

For an ink black panther.

Using the word black twice in the one comparison makes it feel quite on-the-nose.

I often ~~loose~~lose the battle

A stardust and lioness part.

I think grammatically it should be "a" before "lioness" and I don't think that messes with the metre too much.

Overall:

I think this is a really worthy topic for a poem and I think you have executed it pretty well.

My favourite moments are the bits of imagery eg the restless sea. I think you could probably go further with some of these images. Like, when you talk about being halfway broke, maybe an image about a mechanism malfunctioning, maybe something about the sparks flying off. It's a really scary emotion you're talking about, to not know who you are, and sometimes you make me feel that really viscerally. Even the way "halfway broke" satisfies the rhyme makes it hit quite hard. But I think you want to really hit home on that, maybe to the detriment of your refrain.

I would like to talk about your refrain, in fact. You're asking the same question every time, and it's not like it takes on that much meaning each time. Maybe if there was some sort of climax...? Idk, I think it has a lot of impact at the end where it gets flipped, and maybe there would be more if that was the first time since the first use of the line (which in this scenario I would advocate keeping).

And that impact is really interesting. It's a twist, in fact. I was not expecting you to go into a question about whether it is you or the people around you who perceive who you are. I don't have much more to say on that without going into a discussion of what the answer is, but yeah, I think you've chosen a really interesting thing to speak about, which is one of the most important parts of a successful poem.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits

This review courtesy of

Young Writers Society

Who Am I?

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