Young Writers Society

Certainly! Here's the corrected version:

"The pain being described is incredible. I really enjoyed reading it. I don't know if you did it intentionally, but using astronomy as a metaphor adds a unique and poignant layer to the pain being described.

In the second verse, I was relating to what was written. It really made me feel the loneliness and the sadness of the author.

Thank you for sharing these beautiful words with us."

Lua

Hi Evie! Just your friend Lullaby stopping by to write a quick review of this poem. It always makes me happy to see when you upload. But let's get into it!

I agree with doegrl, reading this (and your other poems) out loud portrays a natural rhythm and effortless rhyme to your poem. The message and tone of this emotion is clear from the words you use and the progression from beginning to end. My favorite line has to be

Counting constellations in the sky of your cold glare

Every gaze from you, a weight that groans

I really enjoy reading poems out loud, I think it allows me to better understand the poem and feel the more lyrical aspect of a poem. Out loud, this poem sounded really nice, the rhyme didn't feel forced and the syllable count of each sentence worked nicely together.

I like how we get this little path of analogies, the astronomer, the ship, the skeleton. It would be cool to see those as a specific theme, maybe one per stanza.

My favorite lines were "memories hanging like bones" and "my body's silent tide". Thanks for sharing this poem, I loved reading it!

Wow. This was very well written. I felt very different emotions from beginning to end. I absolutely enjoyed the middle part when you said, “You carve me like a pumpkin, tossed aside, A vessel of emptiness, my body’s silent tide.” I think anyone who has experienced loss or heartbreak knows exactly what that feels like. Gave me chills, honestly. Great poem!