Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
The liteform was once again operational, and Jess had a lot of homework to catch up on. Her coursework displayed across her bedroom, and she reached out and touched a floating icon hologram indicating a book report about Animal Farm that was due tomorrow. It had been due a week earlier, but she had been granted an extension due to the liteform malfunction. A new hologram appeared with guiding for content structure and some tips about using the liteform system. She dismissed these and started from the top. Animal Farm had been a confusing book at first, but Elliot had helped her understand the themes; so the writing of the book report went by smoothly. After an hour or so of work, she had a solid draft. Then she started working on a drill sheet of questions dealing with linear equations for her math class.
As the sky dimmed, she had finished and submitted every bit of homework that was due in the next 48 hours, and allowed herself to reach out to Elliot for the first time today.
hi
The typing indicator showed up within 30 seconds, then went away. Jess waited patiently, and then a minute or two after the disappearance it returned.
hey there sweetie. how are you doing?
well the liteform is working again so i had a ton of assignments to catch up on :( but there all done
I’m glad you got them all done. how do you feel about your work?
pretty good. thank you for helping me understand Animal Farm better
no problem! if you look up any public resource it’s going to tell you the whole thing is an anti-Communism screed when Orwell himself was a communist, and I just wanted to save you from that nonsense.
you’re so smart
I’m really not, I just read a lot.
what are you doing right now?
well, talking to you haha. but I’m supposed to be doing the dishes.
maybe you should go do that, you don’t have to talk to me just because i want to talk to you!
but I want to talk to you, jess. I don’t have any other biracial friends.
Elliot had an uncanny way of dropping a commonality they shared into conversation whenever she was feeling distant from him. She felt so comfortable with him. She could vent to him about how her mom didn’t understand how to handle hair like hers, and he could tell her about the bullies at the school he actually went to in person unlike her, and she could feel like she was a little normal for once.
“Talking to Elliot again, huh?” her mom said, startling her out of her reverie. “Did you at least get your schoolwork done?”
“All of it!” Jess said proudly.
“Really?” her mom said, impressed. “Good job. I don’t suppose that Elliot has told you his last name yet, has he? Or where he really lives?”
“Don’t try and get me to stalk my new friend, mom,” Jess said, rolling her eyes.
“I’m serious,” her mom said. “Just because it’s a neighborhood Roblox instance doesn’t mean he’s really a kid. He could be anyone. Have you done a screened video call?”
Screened video calls are done with a special mode on the webcam that allows the cryptographic guarantee that no artificial intelligence or deepfaking is going on. Just an expository aside for your benefit, O naïve reader of the 2020s.
“No,” Jess confessed.
“He could be literally anyone,” her mom said, and Jess knew she was right. “Remember Davey?”
Jess immediately got upset at the mention of Davey. How could she not remember Davey? Davey was the reason she couldn’t go to school in person any longer. Davey wouldn’t stop stalking her.
“How the fuck would I forget Davey?” she wailed.
“Language!” her mom said, even while knowing she had crossed a line.
“Whatever,” Jess said, and went back to her laplet. Her mom reluctantly left the room, closing the door gently.
my mom sucks
what’s wrong? she seems to care about you.
i don’t really want to tell you, it’s awkward. it has to do with you
she doesn’t like that I’m talking to you?
it’s more complicated than that
well, you can tell me if you want to.
But Jess didn’t want to. If she was being honest to herself, she was actually starting to wonder if her mother might have a good point.
i’d actually like a gift maybe instead..
Elliot had offered to give her a gift before, but she hadn’t felt able to go outside and receive the package. Ever since she had started doing her schooling at home, she had gotten pretty agoraphobic. But now it was important.
a gift? absolutely! do you want me to choose, or do you have something in mind?
you can choose. i want to see what you get me :)
sounds good. one gift coming right up. where should I leave it?
It would have to be someplace wide open, where Jess would be able to see anyone coming from miles away. She had a plan now.
how about under the statue in front of the library?
that modernist thing? sounds like a plan. I’ll leave something there tomorrow, when will you be by to pick it up?
i’ll come by after my schoolwork is done at 3
okay, I’ll drop it a little before then. I promise we can meet in real life soon, I’m just not ready yet.
thank you, elliot
Now she was definitely nervous. She was starting to feel like her mother must be right. Something about Elliot was too good to be true.
The next day, she said she wanted to go on a long walk to get herself used to the outdoors again. Her mother suspected nothing due to her excitement about this initiative.
“That sounds like a great idea, Jess,” she had said, and so Jess went on her way to the library at one pm. She had snacks and water with her, and hunkered down for what would be quite a lengthy vigil.
Nobody had put anything under the statue by half past two when the water ran out, but that made sense. Elliot wouldn’t want the gift to get stolen, so he would probably show up just before it was time.
At ten til three, her theory proved correct. A child with a familiar build showed up and deposited a wrapped present underneath the statue, then started hurrying away.
She started running to get a better look at the kid, who was at least definitely not an adult.
Then, upon getting closer, she realized something.
Next chapter: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/Aet%20Lindling/Syboleth-ch-8-On-Tasks-and-Turmoil-161894
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hey, hello!
I like that we're immediately given a sense of the technology and how naturally Jess interacts with it, but the first paragraph is a little heavy on explanation. I think you could slow this down slightly and let readers experience more of what Jess is seeing. Is the coursework projected over the walls? Are the assignments hovering around her? Does she physically swipe them aside? A couple of more specific details would make the technology feel less like information being given to us.
I think "guiding" should be "guidance" here.
You also mention that the liteform gives her tips about using the liteform, which sounds a little repetitive. You could probably just say that it offered guidance on structuring the report unless the system tips are important later.
I think you may want to double-check the wording here. Orwell was certainly a socialist, but calling him a communist seems a lot more debatable. Elliot could still be wrong, of course, and that might even be useful if we're meant to question how intelligent or trustworthy he really is. At the moment, though, Jess and the narration both appear to accept what he says, so it reads as though the story itself is presenting it as fact.
This sentence is also quite intense compared with the rest of his conversation, as well. He goes from helping with homework to dismissing practically every public source as nonsense, which immediately makes him sound manipulative or conspiratorial. That may be intentional, especially considering where the chapter goes, but it does make me suspicious of him very early.
I have mixed feelings about this aside. The actual idea of a screened video call is good and makes complete sense for the world, but the sudden direct address is very different from the tone of the rest of the chapter. It feels like the narrator has stepped into the story to explain the joke rather than allowing the technology to explain itself through the conversation.
I don't quite believe that her mother would suspect nothing? She has just warned Jess that Elliot could be dangerous, Jess became extremely upset and then suddenly announced that she wanted to spend hours outside alone. Her mother might be pleased, but I think she'd still ask where Jess was going, especially after what happened with Davey.
The cliffhanger works well, and I immediately want to know who she recognises. "A familiar build” is a bit vague, though. Because she's watching from a distance, you could give us one recognisable feature first. That would help build the realisation rather than simply telling us the build is familiar.
I also wonder how she can already be certain the person is a child. If she's far enough away that she can't recognise them yet, she may only be able to tell that they're small. It might be more suspenseful if she first feels relieved that Elliot isn't an adult, then realises who it is as she gets closer.
***
Without reading previous chapters, this is still very unsettling! Jess's situation makes her especially vulnerable in a convincing way, and I liked how you wrote her character. I never felt bad for her, but I did want to learn more about her story. She's isolated, frightened of going outside, misses feeling normal and has already had an experience with stalking. It makes sense that she would cling to someone who seems to understand her, even while recognising that her mother has a point.
The biggest thing I'd work on is showing the emotional and physical effects of her fear. You've told readers that Davey made her stop attending school and that she has become agoraphobic, but the trip to the library is surprisingly easy. I think the chapter would gain a lot of tension if simply leaving the house felt like an ordeal before we even reached the mystery of Elliot!
There are also a few places where the narration explains things directly when a specific detail or piece of dialogue would be stronger. This is especially true of the Davey section and the explanation of screened video calls. The futuristic elements are interesting, but they work best when they're treated as completely ordinary by the characters. Is the narrator supposed to be so intertwined with the story? There are a few asides within this that make me question whether they are supposed to be so dense and cheeky.
That's all I have to say. Thanks for sharing, cheers!
Lipton
My Elliot is an AI hypothesis is going strong. So. He has been helping her through the homework now, huh? But I’m glad she’s at least doing the work herself.
Then again, there is still the “creepy old man” hypothesis. “sweetie", ja? :/
Can I just mention that I like that Jess is keeping on top of her school work? :3
“I don’t have any other biracial friends” I kinda shivered at that. It sounds so… strange and out of the blue. And it was even stranger to hear Jess being comforted by it. This is intentional on your part and I am so intrigued O_O
I like the idea of screened calls as you describe them!
I don’t like the unwelcome addition of the narrator tho xp (Let me complain, it brings me joy xd And I like the story otherwise!)
“ I’m just not ready yet.” Hmmmmm what could that mean… I am intrigued.
And what did she realise??? What? How can you end this there!!!
I must say, I enjoy the story a lot more when I don’t read it in tiny snippets and in order. XD I think you kinda shot yourself in the foot by posting them out of order –at least when it comes to me! :3
Have a great day and don’t forget to sign up Ch8 in the wallpost I’ll put up soon ;3
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Yayyyy! I'm so glad that you're liking things more now. I did shoot myself in the foot, I should've been writing in the background more before going in here and posting stuff! I'm also REALLY glad that the plot points are hitting mostly as I'd want them to.