Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
AN: Yay, one more chapter I didn’t want to write down! This one is less awful and depressing than chapter 9 and more just dramatic though thankfully.
Chapter 12: Meeting Davey
Jess realized before her legs did. She kept walking towards the statue for a split second as her mind panicked.
The shape was the shape of Davey.
It was the shape of the reason she had withdrawn from school, the reason she was in summer school catching up to begin with. Everything made sense now. The similarities they shared. The way he knew just how to make her feel. Her old stalker classmate had been pulling the strings the whole time.
She briefly wondered at how he had been so eloquent, but she wasn’t stupid and quickly realized he had been using an OpenAI Companion. The way he had become even more thoughtful over the past month probably had to do with that update she had heard about, that all her friends had been using.
That she had been using.
She screamed, then. She screamed a lot of things — mostly Davey’s name, over and over, but other things too, curses and sobs and other things that alarmed the passerby.
Davey did not turn around. He ran immediately and did not stop. Jess’s legs continued to ignore her mind, and rather than give chase as she wanted to she sunk to the ground, bent over, and threw up.
“Creepy cracker!” she yelled at him as he went out of sight, which she knew he hated. You’d think “cracker” was the N-word, to hear him tell it. Creep.
Then she cried and cried there on the grass, pushing away anyone who tried to comfort her.
———
Her mother had called somebody. Her dad was working evenings as usual, and her mother had Ravel to hear at the orchestra tonight but was also of the opinion that Jess absolutely could not be left alone in this state. So she had clearly called somebody, which Jess realized when she came out of her room to get a glass of water. He followed her when she returned to her room, pausing at the doorway.
“I’m Garrett,” he said. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“Okay,” said Jess. Then she sat on her bed and stared at the wall, emitting guttural groans at times from deep in her throat.
She heard him step inside, pull her computer chair away from the desk and sit down. This was the correct move, though she didn’t consciously think about that fact right then.
After some time had passed he placed a hand gingerly on her shoulder and asked: “Did something happen today?”
Without meaning to, without thinking about it, she glanced at her laplet on the desk.
He looked at it too.
She turned her gaze quickly back to the wall.
He looked at the wall too, and eventually let out a sigh. The kind of sigh people gave when they were figuring out something they didn’t particularly want to have figured out.
Then he was quiet.
Outside through the window, the sky was doing things it always did around this time of day during this time of year and which she had never particularly noticed before. She was now taking note of it because it seemed to feel to her as if there was nothing else around to look at that wasn’t Garrett, the wall, or the laplet. So she continued to look at the wall, the best of the three options.
He stayed there in the chair until her father and mother arrived home together.
In that time, he said nothing and neither did she.
Next chapter: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/Aet%20Lindling/Syboleth-ch-13-The-Meaning-of-Life-161578
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello again!
I like the idea here of her body continuing before her mind has properly processed what she's seeing, but the first sentence feels a little awkward. Her legs can't really realise anything, so I think you could phrase it more along the lines of her mind understanding before her body reacted. The second sentence already communicates that quite well, though, so you may not need both.
I can see what you're going for with the repetition, but I think it reads a little clunkily. It might work better if the repetition builds on itself rather than saying exactly the same thing twice. Something like The shape was familiar. It was Davey. would be cleaner, though obviously less stylised.
This explanation comes very quickly and feels a bit too reasoned for someone who has just realised she's been manipulated by her former stalker. I think she'd probably be more emotional and confused before she started putting the technical details together. It also makes the reveal feel less frightening because the narration pauses to explain the exact tool and update involved, which makes me a little confused. You could let her recognise certain phrases or patterns first and then understand what he'd been doing later, once she's had time to think.
Hm. This is a little odd, and it took me out of the scene.
Jess has just discovered that her stalker has been manipulating her and is physically sick from the shock, so the sentence feels oddly comical compared with the intensity around it. The comparison in the narration is especially distracting because it introduces a much larger racial subject for what seems to be a brief insult, and I don't think it adds much to Jess's emotional state. It's just there. If this is more tied to their history, it may need to be introduced with some context. I think a more personal accusation would fit better here!
I like that she's suddenly noticing something ordinary because she has nothing else she can bear to look at! That's nice for her character.
Though, this sentence is very vague and quite long. "Doing things" doesn't give me much of an image, and this feels like a place where being specific could make the chapter much stronger. What's actually happening? How am I supposed to know what the sky is doing when I'm reading and obviously not there?
***
Once again, this is a nice chapter! I like the basic idea that Jess recognises Davey before her body is able to respond. I've never had a stalker, of course, but I think her characterisation here feels like someone who has been through something traumatic.
I do think the first half moves through some of its biggest information too quickly, though. I learn that Davey is her former stalker, that he caused her to leave school, that he has been controlling events, and that he used a companion to speak to her all within a very small space. Okay, and? Those are all significant revelations, so I'd give Jess more time to process them individually. At the moment, the facts are clear, but the impact could be stronger if they arrived in fragments as she recognises him and understands what he's done. I think that she wouldn't react the way she did if this were a real situation.
The scene with Garrett is probably my favourite part! I have been getting used to him. He doesn't push her to explain herself and seems to understand that simply staying nearby is the right thing to do. I also like Jess noticing that moving the chair and sitting at a distance, even though she isn't consciously analysing it at the time. It tells me something about Garrett while also showing how sensitive Jess is to whether someone respects her space after what has happened. Their dynamic is very complicated from what I have read!
I'm still confused who Garrett is to Jess, though! This chapter convolutes a lot of my previous interpretations. Other than that, I think the ending works well.
Cheers!
Lip
And one more chapter =D
I appreciate you putting the chapter title in spoilers. Tho not sure why yet. Okay reading on a bit more… I’m not even sure if you ever mentioned the name of the stalker before? So… the title could have been unspoilered since we don’t have a connection to the name yet, right? And from the way you structure these chapters, it wasn’t immediately obvious this would be a Jess chapter.
Oh poor poor girl ☹Well that is not what I expected, but it makes so much sense in hindsight!
Ohhh and she gets to meet Garrett now! I love it when separate storylines intersect. I was wondering when Jess would get to play with the other two (And now we only need the future narrator that helped develop the mind AI…)
That said… Why Garrett tho? He’s not a psychologist. Is he friends with her parents? But why leave her alone with him?
I wish we could have gotten some information on that, considering that you insist on having a semi-omniscient narrator. That’s what they are for, right?
I also kinda wished there was… a bit more to this chapter.
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That's a GREAT point! I should absolutely add some narration about how Garrett wound up being an impromptu babysitter. Thanks for pointing that out! And thanks a ton for reviewing two chapters today!
Now that I look at the chapter again, it really is too short. I was probably just too excited to fill in the gaps! I'll have to flesh it out more on the rewrite. (Fingers crossed I make it to the rewrite!)
Also I'm so glad that you enjoyed what you did enjoy! Davey was briefly mentioned in chapter 7, the last Jess chapter, but maybe we should spend a little more time on him.