Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
I sat on a hill one morning. I don't know why, but I was crying, too.
It was strange for me to be crying. I haven't felt tears run down my cheeks for years.
I had just messed up. This much I knew was true.
I've always had two choices in life. But the final decision was mine.
I've made a fool out of myself. In front of my family and my friends.
The worst part is that I knew I could prevent it. If only I had stayed cool.
Now I get icy glances in hallways. In my own home and at school.
Far back in time I remember when I held a third option.
But that was idiotic. No matter what happens I'm not looking that way again.
That resolve is good, I tell myself. But it doesn't fix what I fucked up.
There's a girl I know. I couldn't think of her in time.
Because of me she suffered. How badly I'm still not sure.
I've had a childhood friend. He told me to relax and it would be fine.
He won't look at me now. There's no more reason for him to.
But the worst is my family. They talk in hushed voices behind me.
Worried that I'm beyond control. Maybe that I still think about option three.
They wouldn't believe me if I told them. But I understand what I did.
The warnings came as a prophecy. I only knew after I'd made the mistakes.
But I knew all the same. I should have listened, more than that, remembered.
The regret and shame give me a good look at myself. I know what I need to change.
There's still a way, if I change fast. I can look to the future after I've dealt with this past.
My friends and my family. As vital as my arms and my legs.
Choices one and two are often at odds. But Ive realized now that choice three also means misery.
But maybe I can fix things. More than choosing. I need to be strong.
It won't be easy. I need support. Staying behind me, always there with a smile.
I can get that from my family. I can get that from my friends. I need to let it inside myself.
It needs to be slow. A circle of loved ones won't help.
Too much at once and I'll feel like I'm insane.
I need to see them. Day after day. Giving me a smile to put on my face.
And with every passing day. Seeing a smile on the way. Yeah, that will help.
Let me have that support, then I know that I'll do it. If I can just have that in my life, now that I've made these mistakes, I I'll be able to change. I can make the fourth option a reality.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
This is decent work and I'm not a big fan of poetry but I wanted to see what it was all about due to the title.it is a piece that can influence people who do go through those heartache depression or just life woes .l the last line was very meaning and I could see myself in that line.the poem does flow together very nicely
good job.
Hey.
This was relatable and good. Honestly, it is something all of us feel like, though I don't think you need to rate it 18+ lol. Secondly, I understand that this has it's own depth and meaning but give more input on what the kid was actually like.
Why don't you write a poem on what the kid did? Like a part 2? Because writing what actually happened can be difficult, it had to be intense, because even his family was aghast.
Good job.
Keep writing and stay blessed.
xoxo
Good idea, I might do that, actually. This was really written as more of an aside for myself, and Im kind of happy someone else found it relatable. The rating bump, however, was courtesy of Morrigan, who found it randomly one day :p
So, I realise that you have had some not so complimentary reviews. I understand that this ws a colab, and they can be really good at times, others, not so good. I feel like this is one of those times. This entire poem feels disjointed, you are constantly trying to get to the point, but never end up doing so.
I feel like you are always just skimming the top of the persona's emotions, never quite realyly diving into them. The amount of times that you tell us the persona's sorry and regrets what they did is crazy. We know that about the persona really quickly, now tell us more about how it makes them feel, how does their regret and sorrow make them react to things, to themselves, show us that emotion.
All of it feels like a biography, like a narration. First the person felt that, then this, now this. Why? How? What for? Readers can't gain anything from a poem or a story if they don't understand why somebody feels a certain way. You don't need to be explicit in explaining it, just give us some clues or some ideas. I don't think I'm explaining myself very well, but my point is to flesh the poem out more, put more life and emotion into it. Don't just tell us about the emotion, show it to us, it is way more exciting that way.
Another thing is that the style and form makes it really boring and flat. Morrigan also mentioned this, and it's really important. Half of poetry is the form, if you choose the wrong form or style for a poem it is likely to not be good. You have a form that doesn't lend itself for simple word and lines, because the form itself is so simple and straightforward you need to make your diction and phrasing exciting. Having a simple form is fine, but you need to counter this by having an exciting poem.
I know, I'm being harsh, but I feel as if this just isn't poetry for me. It has the potential to be, you just need to be more creative and try to get away from just telling us about things, instead showing them to us. It's one thing saying that I baked a cake, ok, sure baking a cake is great, but what sort of cake? Is it chocolate, vanilla, lemon cake? How long did it take to make it? How did I feel when I made that cake? Do I bake often? How many eggs did I use, does it have much butter in it? See how much more interesting something is when you start to point out more than the obvious.
If you can do that with your poetry it will start to get way more exciting and a lot better.
You have some nice messages and some good points in this piece, but you need to put more into it. Please continue writing and you will both get heaps better
Nargles xx
look frankly speaking your poem was quite a bore.... i truly don't have any intention to be rude but you see that this was not a poem at all. it was just your thoughts written down[ particularly the confused thoughts]
throughout the poem the reader is sure that you have commuted some great mistake and you regret, this whole could be even written in a couple of lines. i get it that you want to vividly portray your emotions but i don't really think this is the way to do it.
first for the nitpick-
"Far back in time I remember when I held a third option" just a few lines back you told that there are always two options, and so there is - a good and a bad- a correct and a wrong. i really didn't understand what you meant by that " idiotic" third option even after reading the whole poem.
"I've had a childhood friend. He told me to relax and it would be fine.
He won't look at me now. " i like the story that you tell here but it is incomplete just like your other thoughts. what so drastic happened that even your so appearing dearest friend left your side. please tell a few lines about your story rather then lamenting again and again and repeating the same lines.
"Because of me she suffered. How badly I'm still not sure."- who suffered? well quite sure that it was the girl you loved, but how? and why do you not know how badly she suffered? answer these questions in your poem itself
look teenage is the period when we make mistakes, all does. but when you tell about some such mistake in a poem the reader should be able to connect with it. you have a great deal of advantage specially as the readers here are almost all teenagers with same feelings. tell about your emotions but in a shorter version and interest others by stories in your poem.
throughout the poem you told about one mistake but never told what was that. please reveal every detail directly or indirectly in your poem
your poem was too long, i feel you too get that already, i way literally yarning reading it. please take care of these points.
i like your ending and the positive ray you show at last if only it would have come a little earlier the work would have been far better.
keep writing, and pardon me if i had been too rude on you, i apologize for that
Rituparna
Poetry is not my strong suit. I will say that much, haha. You are right, these are thoughts of mine I had written down, however I purposefully left blanks so that the reader could, in theory, insert their own personal dilemmas. If you look at my comment with Morrigan, I called this "poetic inflection." I may be misusing that term, or making it up, but I think it sounds correct, haha. I understand that it is a bit drawn out, but I was trying to do that to draw attention on the different number of sentences per stanza. Again, refer to my comment on Morrigan's review.
All that being said, with a second read-through, I am realizing that I come up on "option 3" rather quickly, and with little pretense. Ill fix that when I have some spare time and can think properly. It's quite late where I am.
sounds well to me, keep writing
Hello, you two authors!
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
As straightforward as the language is, I really have no idea what this is about. The narrator is in distress, yes, but 1) you don't tell us what the mistakes were 2) you don't tell us what the options are. As readers, we can't just assume anything. You need to drop hints and clues. Weave them in.
The tone was very flat. I think this was in part due to the punctuation and sentence structure. For the first seven lines, the lines don't vary in pattern at all.
This is sentence one. This is sentence two.
They all end in periods. They are mostly simple sentences.
That is the format of your poem in general, and it becomes very boring and flat very quickly. Try to vary the length of sentences, and also use more varied punctuation, as periods don't really express much emotion in the writing world.
It's a nice ending, I suppose, but as the readers are given no clues as to what the options are, we still have no idea what the poem is about.
I hope that this review proves useful to you two! Happy YWSing!
The mistakes that the narrator made were supposed to be given a sort of "poetic inflection", meaning that it could be whatever the reader wants it to be. It's a poem, not a story, meanings are meant to be ambiguous.
I did drop hints as to the choices. "My friends and family. As vital as my arms and legs." That, followed by the line inferring that they are often at odds, is subtly implying that kids often make choices in a binary fashion, either obeying their parents or partying with friends.
That binary decision making is also the basis of the entire poem. it was a personal experience of mine, thinking that I either had to be a goody-two shoes or party with my friends. Then stress came into my life and I looked at option 3, which was more or less suicide. The lines in the poem represent the amount of choices that the narrator sees laid out in front of themselves. The more sentences per stanza, the more control they have over their direction.
I don't think that you've quite got a handle on what ambiguous means. See, you leave huge places for it to be personalized, and that's not what poetry is about-- its about the author conveying a specific problem in a new way, or making the audience feel something. So you have to aim at something, rather than just letting the audience put whatever meaning they think is best.
The 'hints' you drop could apply to anything.
You need to look at your poem and aim more towards that than having the narrator stuck in their head. It's not difficult to show partying and parents.
Ill keep that in mind for future poems