z

Young Writers Society



Shift (Question)

by A. M. Green


Ok everyone. From all of you guys who have read what I have posted of Shift, I want you to tell me which beginning is better.

This one:

Prologue

Don’t stop running. Don’t ever stop running. You’re life may depend on it…just like mine did. My heart pounded as my quick feet carried me deeper and deeper into the forest. I kept moving forward, not daring to look back. Getting caught was the last thing I needed. I clawed my way up a thick tree, desperately hoping that I could hide myself within its sturdy branches. A wolf howled at the silvery moon, and I realized that it was far past midnight. I heard a scuffling of feet, and I looked down, only to see my pursuers. In their hands, were the things I feared the most. Guns.

“Where did she go?” one of the men whispered quietly, though I could have heard him a mile away.

“I don’t know, but this girl likes to surprise us, so be on the lookout.”

Despite my fear, I smiled at this.

“The trees. Look in the trees,” another man barked.

I hesitated. Should I stay? Should I run? There was no way to tell. I flexed my claws and prepared to fight, just in case this got ugly. I scanned my surroundings, making sure that they hadn’t started climbing yet. I could have outran these men just as easy as I could have killed them, but my eyes kept drifting back to the guns. One move, and I would fall to the ground dead. I couldn’t take that chance…not yet anyways.

Suddenly, one of the men starting advancing towards the tree I was in. I started climbing higher. My hands and feet moved swiftly, yet quietly. To them, I was just a dark shadow. They couldn’t see me unless they had night vision goggles. I glanced downward and saw the man was now about halfway up the tree.

“There’s nothing up here, General,” he called.

I sighed thankfully. Just as I was about to move, my hand slipped, and I plunged head first towards the ground. I twisted my body in mid air, landing perfectly on my two feet. Instantly, the men were upon me, shouting and screaming like they had just struck gold.

“We got her, we got her!” they whooped.

I clawed half of their faces off, trying to escape their grasp, but there were too many of them. I hissed wildly, my mind racing. Finally, the General approached me, and as the men pinned me down, he took out a knife. I gasped, fearing what was about to come. He glanced at the weapon for a few seconds, then grinned evilly.

“Well kitty, kitty. We’ve finally got you,” he snapped.

I kicked around furiously, hoping that someone would just happen to let go. The General came nearer. So near, that I could smell his onion-like breath.

“Give up. Give up, and we’ll set you free,” he compromised.

I unleashed my fangs, and lunged at his throat. He leaped back about two feet.

“Never,” I snarled.

He smiled.

“Very well. Men, turn her onto her back.”

They flipped me over so hard, that the wind was knocked out of me. I recovered quickly though. I heard the General coming closer and closer.

“This is you’re last chance.”

I didn’t say anything. Unexpectedly, I felt something like fire slice through my back. I screeched in pain, squirming like a fish on land. Then another, and another…

“Make it stop!” I screamed.

The men released me, and I heard them wander off. The General stayed behind.

“Thanks pussycat. This is just what we needed,” and with that, he stalked off.

I could feel blood pour out from my back. I curled into a tight ball and endured the agonizing pain. The last thing I remembered before I closed my eyes, was darkness surrounding me…

Or the one that I had before. I can't decide whichone I should go with. I've decided to rewrite what I have now. Let me know. Thanks everyone :)

AMGreen


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
4074 Reviews


Points: 250888
Reviews: 4074

Donate
Tue Aug 18, 2020 6:44 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: So this is a nicely written, pretty dark story. Its definitely doing a really good job of establishing a bit of a world and avoiding any unnecessary info dumps which I have to say is a good thing. And the flow of this whole action sequence is also really nice and that's another really good thing about this one.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Don’t stop running. Don’t ever stop running. You’re life may depend on it…just like mine did. My heart pounded as my quick feet carried me deeper and deeper into the forest. I kept moving forward, not daring to look back. Getting caught was the last thing I needed. I clawed my way up a thick tree, desperately hoping that I could hide myself within its sturdy branches. A wolf howled at the silvery moon, and I realized that it was far past midnight. I heard a scuffling of feet, and I looked down, only to see my pursuers. In their hands, were the things I feared the most. Guns.


Not the clearest opening paragraph because a couple of things appear to well just appear out of thin air with now warning whatsoever. The action packed part of this however does make it a pretty catchy opening so that's a good thing there.

Despite my fear, I smiled at this.


Okay...that seems like some pretty scripted dialogue right there.

Suddenly, one of the men starting advancing towards the tree I was in. I started climbing higher. My hands and feet moved swiftly, yet quietly. To them, I was just a dark shadow. They couldn’t see me unless they had night vision goggles. I glanced downward and saw the man was now about halfway up the tree.


Nice buildup of tension right here.

I sighed thankfully. Just as I was about to move, my hand slipped, and I plunged head first towards the ground. I twisted my body in mid air, landing perfectly on my two feet. Instantly, the men were upon me, shouting and screaming like they had just struck gold.


And we have ourselves an expectation subversion of sorts.

“Give up. Give up, and we’ll set you free,” he compromised.


*urge to punch the wall increases*

I didn’t say anything. Unexpectedly, I felt something like fire slice through my back. I screeched in pain, squirming like a fish on land. Then another, and another…


This one took a dark turn very fast.

I could feel blood pour out from my back. I curled into a tight ball and endured the agonizing pain. The last thing I remembered before I closed my eyes, was darkness surrounding me…


And we have a typically sad ending. I suppose this has something to do with your story but after so many stories I have yet to run into a single clean happy ending and that is not doing good things to my brain.

Aaand that's it for this one.

Overall: After yet another dark story I am hoping to run into something nice but it doesn't seem likely to happen. Why does everyone like sad endings? Anyways the rant is over. This story itself is written quite well. We get a really good sense of the emotions that our main character is experiencing and that is always a good thing. Besides that you do a wonderful job making us hate our bad guys which is also a great thing. Overall really nice piece of writing.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 1450
Reviews: 8

Donate
Fri Jan 01, 2010 12:51 am
Bowie20049 says...



If you give this one a better beginning...

Also, why even give it a prologue?




Random avatar

Points: 1110
Reviews: 1

Donate
Thu Dec 31, 2009 4:01 pm
A. M. Green says...



Thanks! This helps a lot :) I think I'll go with this prologue instead of the other one.
AMGreen




User avatar
45 Reviews


Points: 5772
Reviews: 45

Donate
Thu Dec 31, 2009 5:17 am
Earthfire713 wrote a review...



I like this better than your other Prologue, because it draws you in more. It makes the reader start worrying about the main character and they want to read more because they want to know what is going on and why she is being chased. You should try to make your sentences flow more and remember that "you're" is "you are". What you want is "your". I'm excited to read the rest of this! Keep writing!





If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
— Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"