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12+ Mature Content

The Way We Hide Ch.1

by MiniGem26


Chapter One

"The end."

Timmy was used the voice by now, it echoed over his imagination having just told him of Hansel and Grettle. He looked at the candy house. He felt the fears and strengths of Hansel and Grettle, the evils of the witch and he reveled in it. 

"I love you Timmy."

"I love you too mom." Timmy responded picturing his mothers face.

"Oh, sweetheart, I wish you would talk to me. " He heard her sobbing.

"I - a-m." His voice broke and he sniffed. "I am talking to you mom..."

"If I could just hear you!" She cried. "If I could just hear your sweet little voice..." She sounded desperate.

Then he heard the heavy footsteps, he knew those steps by heart, he knew them so well that he pictured which boots his father was wearing. The old busted black ones, the ones he wore that day so very long ago. Oh, how long had it been? 

"Oh, no!" He cried, "Mom! They can't. They can't let him in!" They can't...

"He can't hear you Marrien." His fathers voice rang through harsh and cruel, breaking the fond imaginings of his fictional world.

"I can hear you mom! I can!" He yells.

"It is no use to just keep him here in this pathetic shape, he will never be okay again Marrien, not ever let me pull the plug... He has been in here for months, that is longer than recovery takes Marrien." His father says heavily.

"No! Noooooooo! No! I.... won't..... let.... him... go!" She cries.

"Marrien can't you see this is selfish, can't you see?" His father pleads.

"Mom! No you can't. Y- you can't." He sobs now sitting on the ground. "Don't let me go mom..."

The sky darkens and the scenery rumbles melting into the dark abyss of his mind, he is now sitting in his room, on his white bed in his perfect room not a thing out of order. His books stacked alphabetically, his toys color coded Roy.G.Biv.

"No..." He whimpers his imagination raining down on him now, a terrible storm.

His mother and father always used to argue, but over more trivial things, the thought his father might win overwhelms him.

He stiffles his scream and instead whispers, "No...."

"The acoma is too strong for him." His father growls.


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5 Reviews


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Reviews: 5

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Thu Nov 14, 2019 2:57 am
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redvictory wrote a review...



This seems like it has lots of potential! I'm really interested. I only have a few notes. "Stiffles" has an extra f: it should be "stifles." Also you're missing a few commas. Ex. "He sobs now, sitting..." "Timmy responded, picturing..." Just make sure introductory phrases like that have commas. But I like it! "His father's voice rang harsh and cruel" sounds especially cool. Nice work, keep writing!




MiniGem26 says...


Thank you.



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29 Reviews


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Fri Sep 06, 2019 1:40 pm
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MiniGem26 says...



Major edit guys.




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Fri Sep 06, 2019 3:17 am
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AndName wrote a review...



Helllllo,

I love the fun house feel of this. Is he in a fairy tale? In his bed room? WHO KNOWS. And I like that wonderful trippiness so much. I do have a few things to point out though, so here goes...

I'm not very nitpicky about grammar and what not, but maybe you should go through and clarify sentences like this one here-

"He looked at the candy house, and felt the fears and strengths of Hansel and Grettle and the evils of the witch and reveled in it"

I understand he's looking at the house and thinking of Hansel and Gretel, but it has three 'and''s The run on sentence makes everything sort of run together. (unintended pun? Dang.) Maybe look at the scene like you're taking pictures? What stands out the most? If you do it like that it should retain the fun house feel after the polishing edit.

Other than that, all I have else to point out is the very end. While I like the power the screaming has, it would say a lot more if he whispered it quietly, or better yet, clamped his hand over his mouth to stifle his scream... or something like that since he seems so scared.
I'm looking forward to reading more of this story!

AndName




MiniGem26 says...


I've edited again.



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Fri Sep 06, 2019 12:53 am
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Liberty wrote a review...



Hello Gem!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review for RevMo! Let's get started, now shall we?

(I'm gong to use the YWS critique sandwich for this review, by the way. ^^)

I like how in the beginning, you've got "The end,". You say the end when it starts, lol. Very unique, indeed! I love it. :) Oh! Hansel and Grettle. My favorite fairytale! This is pretty cute so far.

I do have a couple of things I'd like to point out though. I'm the grammar and punctuation type of person, so don't mind me, hehe.

He looked at the candy house, and felt the fears and strengths of Hansel and Grettle and the evils of the witch and reveled in it.


If you read that bit again, it doesn't quite make sense. Maybe elaborate it? Or change a bit of it so it makes sense? Something of that sort.

He decided to walk in the park.


Wasn't his mother just reading him a story though? I would imagine he's in bed. Speaking of, I would like it if you added a bit more description about the setting these characters are in. We have no idea where they are... And it sorta gets confusing, honestly.

Timmy responded picturing his mothers face.


"mothers" needs to have an apostrophe after "r", so it'd look more like this: "mother's".

They cant...


"cant" needs to have an apostrophe after "n", so it'd look more like this: "can't".

Alright, so I'm done with my review. This piece was a pretty good read, but I would love to see you expanding it in the future. Of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me whenever! Hope this review helped.

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




MiniGem26 says...


Oops I left a piece in when I edited! 'He decided to walk in the park.'

I will be fixing that!



MiniGem26 says...


I've edited majorly.



Liberty says...


:)




Who, being loved, is poor?
— Oscar Wilde