Ooh, I loved this story. Reading it felt so unpleasant. I had goosebumps!
Have you ever read The Landlady? It’s by Roald Dahl, and your story reminded me of it, right down to being offered a drink.
The paragraphs flowed very nicely, and I never lost the atmosphere. Your writing style felt like poetry; the way the words glided. I will say though, that there are a couple of sentences here and there that made me stumble over my words.
We lured them underground, and offered them a complimentary drink-a traditional drink here, candy cane mixed with juices of pine-and diluted seeds of yew, because the seeds are where the poison are.
Instead of using a comma between here and candy, use a dash. Also, use a colon between yew and because.
We lured them underground, and offered them a complimentary drink -a traditional drink here- candy cane mixed with juices of pine -and diluted seeds of yew: because the seeds are where the poison are.
in this sentence, a colon is used to sharpen the first sentence; the reader is horrified to learn why the crawlers use yew seeds. It's very common to use commas; lots of writers, including me, have fell victim to this.
Also, that last sentence, "the seeds are where the poison are" made me horrified.
Everyone was terrified of it.
This is my favorite quote! However, I think it would have been much more effective as its own paragraph.
When the crawler girl invited the narrator to her home, I felt this uneasiness that something bad was going to happen. But I wanted there to be a happy ending too.
The mood and the setting of the story reminded me of a fairy-tale that the Brothers' Grimm would write.
This is a wonderful story! You tapped into our imaginations and brought out a story that shook us to our cores. The pacing, the style, and your usage of words was amazing!
Signed,
Athena
Points: 12700
Reviews: 160
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