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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Ooh, I loved this story. Reading it felt so unpleasant. I had goosebumps!
Have you ever read The Landlady? It’s by Roald Dahl, and your story reminded me of it, right down to being offered a drink.
The paragraphs flowed very nicely, and I never lost the atmosphere. Your writing style felt like poetry; the way the words glided. I will say though, that there are a couple of sentences here and there that made me stumble over my words.
Instead of using a comma between here and candy, use a dash. Also, use a colon between yew and because.
in this sentence, a colon is used to sharpen the first sentence; the reader is horrified to learn why the crawlers use yew seeds. It's very common to use commas; lots of writers, including me, have fell victim to this.
Also, that last sentence, "the seeds are where the poison are" made me horrified.
This is my favorite quote! However, I think it would have been much more effective as its own paragraph.
When the crawler girl invited the narrator to her home, I felt this uneasiness that something bad was going to happen. But I wanted there to be a happy ending too.
The mood and the setting of the story reminded me of a fairy-tale that the Brothers' Grimm would write.
This is a wonderful story! You tapped into our imaginations and brought out a story that shook us to our cores. The pacing, the style, and your usage of words was amazing!
Signed,
Athena
thanks so much for the review! The unsettling atmosphere was really what I was going for, I'm glad to hear I succeeded
(“You’re not afraid of it?” she asked.
“Of what?”
“The tree.”
“No,” I said. “Why would I be?”
“You should.”
I laughed.
The girl didn’t laugh.)
This is unbelievable! The story begins very scary. (I always knew: "There is something wrong with this holiday.")
But also interesting! Each paragraph is addictive.
A beautiful poetic description - it shows your good style. But for modern short stories, this is a rare way to regret.
Really liked this passage:
It was the seventh day of the winter festival. The winter festival was held in the square, around the very-obviously-beloved tree. The square was accordingly decked, with mossy swaths of green tinsel hanging from street lamps and colored lights budding from black tree branches. Porcelain plates of christmas cookies clinked onto folding tables, hot chestnuts turned over fire pits, ladles swam in bubbling cauldrons of hot chocolate. Footsteps crunched on the snow, the air bubbled with laughter, hearts glowed with christmas cheer-at least that was the idea.
I continue to read you. thank you!
thank you, you're very kind!