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Elizabeth Benfield Chronicles - Chapter 1

by Kirito1102


Pain shot through my body. I felt my blood slipping out of my body. I was dying. I didn’t want to die. I was too young. I didn’t grow old enough to find my real parents like some people did. I soon realized that my body was going numb. I was at the end of the line. My world went dark or so I thought. Wait! Let me stop. I should have started from the beginning. It may have sounded a bit confusing since you didn’t know what was going on. Let’s go back a bit. It all started on my birthday.

My name’s Elizabeth Benfield. My friends call me Liz for short. I’m fourteen or you could say I was fourteen just yesterday. Today is my birthday. The date is October 31st, 2013. Life so far is pretty good. Nothing really changes; I still have to go to school no matter what. Like today, I still have to go to school even if it’s my birthday. The good thing is I’m not alone. I have one of my childhood friends, Jason. We always walk to school together.

I went outside and sat on the front steps to wait for Jason. It took him a bit longer to get here than I had expected. I looked down the block to see if I could see him walking. Instead of walking I saw him running over.

“Hey Liz, sorry I’m late. I just had to get “something” ready. We have a guest coming over. Oh, we also have a new student joining our team.,” he said. I asked Jason who the guest was since I knew most of his family. He wouldn’t tell me though. He just kept it to himself. I just dropped the topic and moved on to the next one.

“So do you know who the new kid’s name is?” I asked. Jason shook his head no. I guess he didn’t get as much information as he normally does. He said that the kid is a total mystery. I walked around and asked the teachers who he was but none of the staff seem to recall hearing about a new student. I thought it weird but then forgot about it by the time I got to school. When we got to our classroom, everybody was singing happy birthday too me. I did not expect this to happen. I was so shocked that I jumped back without thinking. When I jumped back, I bumped into somebody.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to bump into you. I just got a bit scared and without thinking jumped back. I’m really...” I stopped when I looked at whom I bumped into too. He was so dreamy. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The one thing I hadn't noticed was that he looked sort of like me. I thought that since I hadn’t seen him before that he was the new kid so I greeted him and said sorry again for bumping into him. He said it was okay. He asked me if I could show him around the school and I said yes.

“Thanks, my names Aidan by the way. What’s yours?” He asked.

“It’s Elizabeth.” I said. He seemed a bit surprised when I said my name. He was also surprised when he found out today was my birthday and that before I was left; my parents had left a note that said my name on it.

After class, I waited for Aidan to come out so I could show him around the school. He said if we had enough time then could I show him around the neighborhood. I told him that it depends on what time it is because of all the murder cases happening. Most of the cases were about the victim’s blood being completely drained out of the body. That’s why I didn’t want to be outside when it was late.

That night my mom had come home late as usual. She worked overtime because she claims that she has nothing to do but work. I’ve gotten use to being home alone so I really didn’t care. I just hanged out in my room playing on my computer or watching TV. That’s all I really do when I’m at home. Today was different though. As I was lying down in bed, I got a text. It read:

Your life will never be the same.

You have already encountered one of the people who will be part of your future.

Accept this fact for you are no longer going to live a normal life.

You will no longer be human when your world goes dark.

Do not speak of this to anyone else.

If you do then you’re just putting their life at risk.

Be ready.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I thought that it was just a joke so I replied and sent a message that said:

“Ha ha ha. Very funny but you shouldn’t be sending jokes like that to anybody.”

Nobody responded. I waited so long till it was midnight. I was so tired that I decided to go to sleep. That night I had a dream. It was different from the others that I normally have. I was standing outside. It was cold out and very dark out. It was really foggy out that you could hardly even see your surroundings. I looked around to see if anybody was around. There was only one person. They started to walk towards me slowly then faster and faster. Soon they were running towards me.

It was a young man probably in his teens. I couldn’t see his face clearly though. He held something in his hand that looked like a pocketknife. Finally when he was close enough to see more clearly I noticed that he wasn’t going to stop. He was aiming for me. I started to panic. I couldn’t move at all. Then I heard it. It was a voice that was clear as day.

“Move to your left. Once he passes by you grab his hand and twist it behind his back. Make sure you have a tight grip.” I did what the voice had told me. My body moved all by itself without any trouble. I grabbed his hand as tightly as I could so he wouldn’t try to struggle. At that moment I felt a sharp pain move up my side. I looked down and noticed that I had grabbed the wrong hand. Blood was seeping into my shirt. The young man started to laugh. His laughter was full of bloodlust. He was intending on killing me even if he lost his life.

“Wow. I never would have expected a monster like you to be so stupid.” I flinched when he started talking. I knew this voice well enough. I sounded just like Jason. I looked up and saw his face. It was Jason! I felt him pull out his knife from my side. I started to cough up blood when he stabbed me again. This time it the stab was closer to my chest but still on the side. I started to feel my body become weak. I was losing my strength slowly and painfully. I woke up when Jason stabbed me in the heart. I was covered in sweat.

I was really tired that morning. I had barely gotten any sleep. That day I had told Jason that I would like to walk to school alone. On my way to school I bumped into Aidan.

“Good morning. You look like you had a really bad night. Are you okay?” Aidan asked. I thought it was kind for him to ask if I was okay since I seemed really tired. I told him that I had a bad nightmare so I didn’t get enough sleep. I walked the rest of the way to school with Aidan. We talked on the way and had some fun. I had never had this much fun with Jason on the way to school like this before. All we really talked about together was school since he was a total geek. I don’t know why I still hang out with him. I just feel that if I’m not his friend then something might happen.

After school I walked home with Aidan. Jason had to stay at school because the office needed some help with the paperwork. They have been getting a lot of paperwork for the upcoming school festival. It was a really big festival that normally happens once a school year. I was kind of glad that he had to stay late. I really didn’t want to see Jason. I was so scared of him after my dream. I needed some time before I could talk to him.

“Hey Liz. Are you okay? You seem to be daydreaming a lot today.” When I looked up at Aidan I saw he was really worried.

“No I’m not fine. I had a really bad dream last night. I can’t seem to shake it off at all. Each time I look at Jason I feel him stabbing me with his knife. I keep feeling pain in the places that I was stabbed in. I just want it to go away but it won’t.” I told Aidan everything about my dream until we got to my house. He seemed to understand what I was going through. I started to feel closer to him.


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67 Reviews


Points: 610
Reviews: 67

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Sun Feb 24, 2013 9:01 am
Auxiira wrote a review...



Okay! Kirito1102! Auxiira here to review!

Okay, I think that this could be a very good story if you just sorted out the narrative a bit. I'm sorry to say this but it's a bit childish and doesn't convey the action very well.

Okay, so there's also the fact that this

that before I was left; my parents had left a note that said my name on it.
is weird. I wouldn't tell someone that I'd just met that my Mum or Dad had left a note for me. And their reaction if I did would be along the lines of: Why are you telling me this?

Okay you also have a leetle problem in that quote which should probably be changed to: "that before I left the house, I noticed that my parents had...

Okay, I think that Loose mentioned the presenting paragraph, but still, try not to fall into that trap^^

Okay, in conclusion: Spice it up a bit!

I hope this helps! Keep writing!
Auxiira




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160 Reviews


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Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:49 am
Loose wrote a review...



Okay, first thing's first: lose the bold. It's just unpleasant to read. The only reason I can think of where posting an entire piece in bold is ever okay is when you want to catch the reader's eye. But your heading and tag are meant to do that. We're already here. Our eye is caught. Post in normal font, please.

For the actual review:

"Pain shot through my body. I felt my blood slipping out of my body. I was dying. I didn’t want to die. I was too young. I didn’t grow old enough to find my real parents like some people did. I soon realized that my body was going numb. I was at the end of the line. My world went dark or so I thought. Wait! Let me stop. I should have started from the beginning. It may have sounded a bit confusing since you didn’t know what was going on. Let’s go back a bit. It all started on my birthday."

I'm sorry to say that this paragraph reads terribly. The most significant issue I have with it is that you tell us that the main character is dying. Then, you tell us we have no idea what's going on so you need to start at the beginning. But we DO know what's going on. A girl is dying. What more is there to know? If there is a more appropriate beginning than that, then use the more appropriate beginning. It doesn't pay to entice a reader with an emotive, dramatic beginning, only to then turn around and patronise them.

Secondly, I don't feel that the drama is really being conveyed as effectively as it could be. The actual dying part reads like a list of dot points. Where's the pain? The anguish? The emotions people feel in that situation? What you've written here is a report. Orphan girl bleeds to death, doesn't want to. That's what you've told us. But we don't want to be TOLD. We need to be SHOWN. What can she see? Smell? Hear? Is her heart racing? Does it calm when she becomes numb? How well is she breathing? Is she sweating? Where is she? Is she in pain? Why? What's really going on? We're supposed to be inside of her head (you've written it in first person, after all) so let us be inside of her head. Don't let her talk to us. She can't talk. She's dying. Let us BE her.

"My name’s Elizabeth Benfield. My friends call me Liz for short. I’m fourteen or you could say I was fourteen just yesterday. Today is my birthday. The date is October 31st, 2013. Life so far is pretty good. Nothing really changes; I still have to go to school no matter what. Like today, I still have to go to school even if it’s my birthday. The good thing is I’m not alone. I have one of my childhood friends, Jason. We always walk to school together."

This is a common trap that a lot of young writers fall in to. Rarely is there a time where a paragraph's worth of character development is effective. Don't cram all of this stuff into one paragraph. It's not a bio on facebook. Space it out. Her name, that's fine to include, but you need to let us discover some stuff for ourselves. Have you read Harry Potter? The Hunger Games? Was there ever a paragraph in either that read:

"I'm Katniss/Harry. I'm this many years old. My birthday is XXX. Life's great, you know, and I have this friend."

Yeah, I paraphrased, but that's essentially what you've written. It just doesn't work in your favour. Who your character is, how good their life is, why we should care; those are all things that need to develop over the course of a piece. Squishing it in doesn't make the story any better.

Why did the main character introduce herself to Aidan as "Elizabeth", only for him to be presumptuous enough to call her "Liz" mere paragraphs later? You've failed to establish enough intimacy between characters for that to be the case. If you want this to be plain arrogance on the part of Aidan, you need to flesh out his character as being arrogant much more than you have done.

Also, be wary that it's quite possible Liz here is a Mary Sue. You ought to run her through a test just to be sure, but that's the impression she gives here. Yes, things in her life might suck, but she doesn't seem to have any flaws. Perfect characters are rarely empathetic or relatable characters, and that can alienate an audience.

It seems like you have a pretty good story idea here. It just needs a bit more attention and I'm sure you'll make a great job of it.

All the best.




Kirito1102 says...


Thank you for giving me some things I should fix. I really appreciate it. :)




Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.
— Captain Jack Sparrow