Young Writers Society

Hey there, Cailey here for a review.
First of all. You said this is just a draft. However, even for a draft this is ridiculously uneditted. Let me give you a bit of advice: if you're going to post something on YWS, at least make sure you capitalize the letters that should be capital. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people don't capitalize I. You do that several times, and it's so annoying and so hard to read. Please, try and read through this at least once or twice before posting, so that when we review we can actually concentrate on the piece and not be distracted by the minor grammatical issues.

Okay, as for the actual story, I think you have a great idea started here. You have some kind of mystery happening, and you have conflicting character with some kind of relationship to each other. Then you have some extra information like the sick dad and going to Ireland. However, I don't really know what you're saying with this. I don't understand what's going on. It's like you switch from one topic to another and go from conversation to flashback without letting the reader know what you're doing.


My advice would be maybe even to start over with this piece. Don't feel stuck to what you just wrote, but instead go and try to figure out a way to better articulate your ideas. You know what you want to say, you got that figured out here. Now, you just need to find out how to best say it. Maybe split each thing into sections. Write about cameron and cora. Make it longer, give us more detail about their conversation and their relationship. Then, go on and tell us about the trip and the relationship he/she has to Ireland.

Don't be afraid to make this longer. Sometimes more is better. And, before you post, edit, edit, edit!
Hope this helped. Let me know if you need anything, and if you do decide to rewrite you can let me know and I'd be glad to review it.

Even drafts need proper capitalization, grammar, etc., You need to learn the rules before you can break them.

That being said, I'll focus on the main portions here.

This is an incredibly short two chapters. I don't see how this can be two chapters at all, as it's just barely enough information for one.

Don't have your narrator introduce herself like that. No one cares about her yet. Weight, height, age... These are all irrelevant. Physical appearance is typically irrelevant in general. Focus on personality, actions. Those are what make us care for a character.

Details. What distinguishes a script from a written story is the detail, the narration of what's going on, how things are being said, etc., Detail is necessary.

Good luck with the rest.

Okay, this really needs work. I'm really seeing the 'draft' part coming in.

You make no use of your periods, practically nothing is capitalized. . . and that, I'm going to say, is a HUGE problem.

I'm going to try to show the main problems for you . . . here goes.

First paragraph - rewritten.
I sighed as Camrie spoke.
".Gentri, I'm sorry, we can't go. My dad's sick." Her voice was almost a whisper, as though she were whispering to herself.

Second & Third Paragraphs - rewritten.
That was one of my middle names.
My whole name was Cora Gentri Zaphora Lightwood. God I hate it!

Fourth Paragraph - Rewritten
". Cameron, I asked you not to call me that." I responded teasingly.

Fifth Paragraph - (yeah) Rewritten.
". Fine then Cora." She answered seriously.


Okay, I'm hoping you get the gist of were I'm going here . . . I'm not going to rewrite all of it for you, but I hope you understand the main problems from this.

I'd advise you to write the real version and then post it.
It makes it easier to compliment, and it makes it easier to review, for both of us.

Welcome to YWS.
Good luck with your writing!

like I said its a draft! sorry I dont want to be mean

Salutations. Welcome to YWS!

i sighed as camrie told me... "Gintri we cant go my dad is sick again im sorry..." camrie pretty much said to herself.

thats my name or one of my middle names. my full name is Cora Gintri Zaphora Lightwood.

'god i hate that!'

"cameron, i told you not to call me that." i said teasingly

"fine then cora." she said seriously.

well if your wondering about me im 15 yrs old im roughly around 100-124lbs lbs and i am around 5'6" in height.

i am skinny and i live with my mom my dad died when i was six. but anyways on to life.

we were looking forward to go to alaska for a mission church stop, then, we were going to go to ireland.

there was a legend that we heard about my ancestors or she heard about it but i didnt want to go for that reason i wanted to go beacause i wanted to know about the castles and ... yeah you get the point.....

but i dont know why she always says tht i could die... i mean its not exactly such a big deal...

but i couldnt keep myself from asking. "so why is this such a big deal anyways its not like a meet and greet with my dead ancestors!"i yelled impaitiantly

" because you need to learn.. about your history and why its so importtant!!!" she she screamed at me.

"why ? why is it so important!?!?" i said annoyed.

"i... i cant tell you. she whispered hoarsely " just meet me at the park tommorrow. if my dad feels better... then, can we go.

"Hello," he said.

"Hello." he said.