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Living

by YOLBYI


Living
 
I felt the pleasant breeze gently caress my face,
as I pondered on the true meaning of life.
I observed a tranquil stream.
The sparkling water spiralled, forming delicate ripples on its surface.
I smelt the sweet fresh air as it whipped my hair around my face.
I listened to the trees.
They whispered secrets to one another,
Whilst swaying in the wind.
It was as though they knew the answer, the meaning of life.
I savoured the mellifluous feeling.
This is living.
This is freedom.
 


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40 Reviews


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Tue Feb 19, 2013 4:42 am
darkangel_05 says...



Hello! I should say that this is an amazing poem. Your topic might sound so abstract and simple, but you did a great job! It's simple and short, but I guess that's what makes this poem beautiful. I love how you describe such things... it's like I could taste them. This poem also gives me a sense of peacefulness. It relaxes me. I really like your choice of words.

Anyway, that's all. Keep writing!!




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55 Reviews


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Tue Feb 19, 2013 2:29 am
mb1221 wrote a review...



Hello there!
This poem is awesome, I really like it. I loved the way you used metaphor in the first line "breeze gently caress my face" and personification in the lines "I listened to the trees./
They whispered secrets to one another." The only thing I found odd in the poem was where you said "It was as though they knew the answer, the meaning of life." I think that it would have been better if you separated it into two lines to emphasize the main idea of the poem, which is "the meaning of the life". Also, to make it grammatically correct, it could be "It was as though they knew the answer TO the meaning of life, unless you mean that the answer to living was the meaning of life... Despite this confusion I had here, it was a wonderful and a well-written piece. Amazing topic, different than most others that we see either in YWS or literature courses.
Keep up the great work, I am looking forward to read your other poems as well :)




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Mon Feb 18, 2013 6:14 pm
Questio wrote a review...



I love it! The part about the trees whispering... I have lived in the country almost my entire life, so when I moved into town, I miss stuff like that. Some stuff could be cut though. Like: "I felt the pleasant breeze..." I think that if you took out "I felt" it would sound jsut as good, if not better. And that's saying alot. I really like this poem. Also, "I smelt the sweet fresh air..." I think that entire line would be better if you moved some stuff and cut some stuff. My version would sound like: "The sweet fresh air whipped around my face." But then, I'm not you and you're not me! It sounds great as it is, but some places, like I said, could lose some stuff and sound absolutely fine. I see plenty of little meaningless words that I would rearrange, but I will let your great judgement seek them out.
Like I said, I miss living out in the county and camping every other week and hiking and fishing... *sniff* I'm gonna cry...




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Mon Feb 18, 2013 2:39 pm
Hannah wrote a review...



So at first I was going to do that thing where I tell you to take absolutely all of the adjectives and adverbs out, but then I realized some of them are strong. Mellifluous is specific and holds itself up, and the sweetness of the air is specific and important. But look. Fresh isn't. You're talking about the outside, about nature, about trees and streams, so we get the idea of fresh without that. I think the rhythm needs two adjectives for "air", but adjectives don't always have to be so cut off from the meaning of the word.

Like: "pleasant" describes what about the breeze? It doesn't describe anything about the breeze, but instead qualifies the speaker's reaction to the breeze. If that was all you wanted to communicate (my this weather is pleasant), there are still more concrete ways to do that. What makes the breeze pleasant? Is it that sweetness you mention later? The sweetness of the air? Is it that the breeze hits on the space on the back of your neck where the hair hits and grows little beads of sweat? Is it that you feel it after its bent around the bark of a tree? Gimme the breeze, for real, not just the idea of "a nice breeze". Get in the moment and make me feel it.

Other weak adjectives/adverbs: gently, tranquil, delicate.

I also think that you can communicate your feeling of "this living is the meaning of life" without mentioning the concept outright twice. That takes away from any subtlety and artistry you've put into this piece. You can fuel the poem with passion through concrete images, and this will hit your reader more genuinely than trying to get them up to the "pondering life's meaning level" just by mentioning the activity. We usually live our days at a lower level, and just hearing someone talk about it doesn't get us up there, right? Lead us to the top, where we're standing wind-whipped on a mountain and the pierce of the wind on our cheeks makes us wonder why we ever go back inside. I feel like you're trying to get at that. You need to be more precise.

More images. More specific vocabulary. Intensity through the images and the way they're strung together rather than explanation.

PM me if you have any questions, please!

Good luck and keep writing~




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Mon Feb 18, 2013 1:39 pm
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MaxZero1496 wrote a review...



Awesome! Very good poem....its quite beautiful. I just have a few suggestions:
1. Line two, "I" should be capitalized.
2. Line four, "its" doesn't need an apostrophe.
3. Lines seven and eight, the first word isn't capitalized.
That's all. Very expressive poem....its very peaceful.
Great job, and keep it up!




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Mon Feb 18, 2013 12:17 pm
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wordsandwishes says...



(one word review).


Beautiful





You know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart? They're both ridiculous.
— The 12th Doctor