Young Writers Society

It sounds like a part of it is spritual while the other is to the person you love..

Without him you can't construct, think and write on a paper. But with him it makes you do all things in an instant.. Ideas pop out and makes you write something..

But I suggest that you offer what you do to God and be guided by Him..

Nice piece, also..
Keep going..

ll
U

Hey Junaid!

I'm going to do a quick stanza by stanza review. But first, I don't think you should put this poem in bold. It's okay to put the title in bold, but aside from that, bold is reserved for emphasis, primarily in ads. In poetry and prose, italics is used for emphasis on words.

Another thing, sometimes different stanza are split by a few too many lines. Usually, it's just a double space between lines.

Stanza One

Im should be 'I'm'.

I like what you've got going on in the first stanza. We get a good idea of what is to come. One issue I had was the wording of the first line. Sometimes we'll phrase things like that to make it 'sound like poetry'. It'd be just was well to say 'I live in you'.

Stanza Two

Oooh! Nice!

This stanza is pretty deep. You do a good job wording this stanza. It drives you into the stanza by using patterns, and for some reason I loved the way the first four lines sounded together. Good job!

Stanza Three

'exists' should be 'exist'

The third line felt like the weakest link in the poem. There's a lot going on in it, so the ideas are kind of skewed. I think the primary cause of confusion in this stanza was the way the lines were broken up.

Stanza Four

This stanza was nicely done. Once again, I feel that 'I live in you' is just as effective as 'In you I live'. You do a good job comparing the times you think of him and the times you don't. I think this stanza could be more effective if you showed us beauty and fame, dark tunnels and hurt. Show us the bright lights and fair skin, or the inky black pools and misery.

Stanza Five

'I be yours' should be 'I am yours'.

One aspect of this poem I had trouble understanding was 'God'. What does he have to do with their relationship? Is it a Romeo and Juliet type deal, with forbidden love? That's what I gathered from the last stanza. I figured I'd tell you just in case this wasn't your intention. If it was, nice job! If it wasn't, you might want to add some more detail to make this aspect of the poem more clear.

Nice job, Junaid! I enjoyed your poem. Overall, it's well written, and very expressive. Keep writing, and keep up the good work!

I liked the poem very much !

Hello there Junaid! Dogs here with your review today. To start things off, Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here, if you ever need anything, a review, some help, anything, please let me know and I'd be glad to help you out . Ok lets dive into your review now shall we?

I like your opening stanza, way to bring the reader in with your excellent writing style. I do enjoy the smooth flow you have in your writing, I am curious though as to why you bolded everything.

"there's you/ there's me,/ and in between there's something"

Minor nit picky detail here, but for the sake of flow I think you should put a period after "me." and replaced "and" with a different word. Also there should be a comma after "between" Maybe try something like: "there's me./ But in- between, there's something"

"I'm a forgotten line..."

Excellent imagery here, love your writing style, although try to cut out the dot dot dot. It almost always is useless in your writing and unnecessary. Just put a period here to bring closure to the stanza.

"there's a dark tunnel and hurt."

Here's an example of where I think you should maybe try replacing some words here. Try taking out "dark" and "hurt" to replace them with some stronger and more descriptive wording. If you're having troubles doing this, look them up in a thesaurus and it'll help.

"I be yours/ and rest is just vague"

This line is oddly worded, if you read it aloud with the last line it sounds out of place. Lets try switching up some words, try saying: "That I'm yours/ and the rest is all vague." That just flows smoother. All and all a lovely to piece to read, excellent writing but in need of a few touch ups. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh