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18+ Language Violence Mature Content


by Tuxedomask

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

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92 Reviews

Points: 10056
Reviews: 92

Sun Feb 24, 2013 5:24 am
Wherethewindgoes wrote a review...

1) This is way too fast. One thing happens, then the next; the story jumps from one thing to another without staying on one topic enough to make it meaningful. Slow down, describe things, show more of the characters, and their emotions.
Which leads to
2) Not much of the character is shown here, other than the fact that he enjoys killing people. There should be conflict inside a person like this; show it. The only way readers will care about what happens is if they connect with the character, understand what situation they are in.
3) This needs a lot of work in terms of grammar:

a) When you have dialogue with the tag ("he said", "she yelled", etc.) such as "He yelled, 'Wait!'", there should be a comma after "yelled".

b) Possessives, such as "Bob's room", need apostrophes between the name and the "s".

c) When you have a sentence such as "Dom stabbed his dad in the stomach, crippling him", there should be a comma after "stomach." This is true in any similar sentences when you have "[person did this], [doing this]". The progressive (indicated by -ing) requires a comma before it.

d) When you have two independent clauses (complete sentences) connected with a conjunction (e.g., and, but, then), there should be a comma before the conjunction. For instance:

"Dom went to the kitchen and got a knife then walked out the door to his neighborhood." (Neighborhood, incidentally, is one word.)

There should be a comma after "knife" in order to make this grammatically correct.

e) With something such as

Dom had the gun at his face ready to shoot when Ghost came to the scene.

there should be commas on either side of "ready to shoot". There are a couple of sentences similar to this in this piece.

f) There are a few comma splices, which are when two complete sentences are put together and separated by only a comma. For instance:

"He then ran to a nearby gun that was on the wall, it appeared that luck was on his side it was loaded. "

The comma after "wall" needs a conjunction after it, or should be changed to a period or semi-colon. (Also, there should be a colon or semi-colon after "side".)

e) Numbers below ten are spelled out, i.e., 2 should be written as "two".

f) "Torture" is spelled with an "o".

4) A lot of the sentences here were structured similarly, starting with the same words and being similar lengths. Vary that to make it more interesting.

All in all, this piece has some potential, but it needs a lot of work. Slow it down, add more character, correct some grammar, and it'll be much better. Good luck with any future writing!

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Points: 265
Reviews: 1

Sun Feb 17, 2013 9:31 am
Tuxedomask says...

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Sun Feb 17, 2013 3:55 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi Max! Back again to review the second part of this!

Now, what I'm about to say doesn't mean the story sucks, or that you're a bad writer. The story definitely has its interesting parts, like the friendship with an older serial killer. And you've obviously got a vivid imagination, which is key to being an author.

The main issue with this story (in both parts) is that I have no idea if I'm supposed to be taking it seriously. Am I supposed to fear Ghost or laugh at how ridiculous he is? Am I supposed to feel, well, anything about the people who just died? Because right now, I'm laughing, and I don't. If that's what you want, than thumbs up. If not, please read on.

In your comment on my last review, you claimed that Ghost doesn't need to be realistic. But if this is supposed to be a serious story, he has to be somewhat grounded in reality. For one, he's limited by Dom. What would a thirteen year old boy know, do, say, want? Also, what causes people to turn to such things as alter egos?

As I'm reading it right now, it seems like Dom went from average kid to killer overnight...because he was bullied, depressed, and rejected? A lot of teenagers go through all of those things. Almost none of them become serial killers. I'd suggest reading up on criminology, psychology, etc. to make this progression more realistic.

Some nit-picks:

''The world has gone to hell just look at people fucking when their five, people picking on people just because they are not normal, and men not working at all just making the women do their work."

1) It's they're, not their. And people don't have sex at five (unless they're molested, which isn't exactly consensual). This is the kind of thing that makes Ghost less believable.
2)This is true. I find this interesting, that Ghost sees himself as a hero of sorts.
3)The third bit didn't make much sense at first. I think you're going after some sort of "defender of women" idea here. But then Ghost/Dom kills a woman (Mark's mom)?

Have you ever heard the definition of insanity, the first person I ever killed said that was when people kept doing the same thing over and over again.

This quote is commonly attributed to Albert Einstein. Are you saying Ghost killed Einstein? Now that is quite ridiculous. There's a good idea here though, see if you can work it in somehow (maybe saying the quote as he stabs someone in the same place?).

To make this a serious story, consider more research and reading authors who deal with this stuff to make it more authentic and less silly. It does have potential though. Keep writing! :)

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Tuxedomask says...

I'll sum up what I picture Ghost as being, he is a tricker he tricks people into thinking that they are doing what they should. That is proven when he makes Dom kills Mark's mom, and the quote is based from him but Ghost is saying the first person he killed told him that. The next one will be longer and will have where Ghost originated from, and it will take place in the future so I can go through with my idea. Pretty much I'll give you a hint if you spell this backwards then you will know what Ghost is. [nomed]

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Tuxedomask says...

Also I did not have any idea that that quote was from Albert Einstein, I just thought it up because of Dom going crazy.

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Tuxedomask says...

Anybody can take the story for now.

The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.