Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Salutations.OK.1) This is way too fast. One thing happens, then the next; the story jumps from one thing to another without staying on one topic enough to make it meaningful. Slow down, describe things, show more of the characters, and their emotions.Which leads to2) Not much of the character is shown here, other than the fact that he enjoys killing people. There should be conflict inside a person like this; show it. The only way readers will care about what happens is if they connect with the character, understand what situation they are in. 3) This needs a lot of work in terms of grammar:a) When you have dialogue with the tag ("he said", "she yelled", etc.) such as "He yelled, 'Wait!'", there should be a comma after "yelled". b) Possessives, such as "Bob's room", need apostrophes between the name and the "s".c) When you have a sentence such as "Dom stabbed his dad in the stomach, crippling him", there should be a comma after "stomach." This is true in any similar sentences when you have "[person did this], [doing this]". The progressive (indicated by -ing) requires a comma before it.d) When you have two independent clauses (complete sentences) connected with a conjunction (e.g., and, but, then), there should be a comma before the conjunction. For instance:"Dom went to the kitchen and got a knife then walked out the door to his neighborhood." (Neighborhood, incidentally, is one word.) There should be a comma after "knife" in order to make this grammatically correct.e) With something such as
Dom had the gun at his face ready to shoot when Ghost came to the scene.
Hi Max! Back again to review the second part of this! Now, what I'm about to say doesn't mean the story sucks, or that you're a bad writer. The story definitely has its interesting parts, like the friendship with an older serial killer. And you've obviously got a vivid imagination, which is key to being an author. The main issue with this story (in both parts) is that I have no idea if I'm supposed to be taking it seriously. Am I supposed to fear Ghost or laugh at how ridiculous he is? Am I supposed to feel, well, anything about the people who just died? Because right now, I'm laughing, and I don't. If that's what you want, than thumbs up. If not, please read on. In your comment on my last review, you claimed that Ghost doesn't need to be realistic. But if this is supposed to be a serious story, he has to be somewhat grounded in reality. For one, he's limited by Dom. What would a thirteen year old boy know, do, say, want? Also, what causes people to turn to such things as alter egos? As I'm reading it right now, it seems like Dom went from average kid to killer overnight...because he was bullied, depressed, and rejected? A lot of teenagers go through all of those things. Almost none of them become serial killers. I'd suggest reading up on criminology, psychology, etc. to make this progression more realistic. Some nit-picks:
''The world has gone to hell just look at people fucking when their five, people picking on people just because they are not normal, and men not working at all just making the women do their work."
Have you ever heard the definition of insanity, the first person I ever killed said that was when people kept doing the same thing over and over again.
108,484 Literary Works • 577,395 Reviews