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Young Writers Society



To Dissolve

by Reckoner


To Dissolve

Cold and unforgiving, the wind passed through him like an empty echo. Rigid and encompassing, he shivered as he stood on the bridge. Finally, deciding hesitation was his enemy, he jumped into the river. He emerged from the water, swimming in place just for a moment, holding his stage. The river however, had its own direction. He drifted down stream, not violently or forcibly, but like a guiding hand, a hand that you trust for no reason.

For a while, he followed, not questioning or protesting, but simply drifting. One with the water, one with the current that didn’t hate him, that didn’t judge him, it simply was there. In the black little thoughts swam with him but they refused to drown. They laughed and giggled, it was all in good fun. No fear, nothing to fight, he knew he would be all right. He looked up, at the faces ashore, his past and future stared. Glaring and nodding, perhaps even agreeing, they didn’t understand him. They too walked to their own accord, seeing him as nothing special. Why would he think this time would be different?

Lights, stars, the city thrived around him. The lights only shined left to right, he remained in the dark river, the dark thoughts still swimming around. They told him heaven was a bound. Walls sat around the river, not permitting anyone to leave, like ripples on a blank shore. He swam to the walls, trying to climb them, trying to leave, missing the light and beauty of the city that so few could appreciate from the dark.

Deep down in the water, the dark thoughts spoke, “Don’t leave, down here you’re the king!” They stared in his direction, wanting him to fall under their discretion. He turned away from them, held up pride and defied, wanting to escape the thoughts of hate. He climbed up the walls. Slipping and falling, he couldn’t make it out. Still he drifted down and down, heaven was a bound. Only know in his actions, can he find his ignorance.

Holding up his crimes, to survive, he wanted to get out. The silent ghost walked past, not staring in his direction. But still, he climbed up the walls, still he fell down and still the dark thoughts reassured, like megaphones they screamed his name. Some even whimpered, telling him who he should have loved. His souls lurked above. Then, happening all the once, they sprang into action.

Dark thoughts swam to the embrace of the water; the white souls lunged down for him. Tranquility gone, violence arise, his body screamed in pain. The dark thoughts whimpered for no tomorrow. The white souls sought forgiveness and sorrow. Like a puppet, his limps cried and dangled. No one says life isn’t painful.

“Don’t go up the walls,” the thoughts echoed. “You’ll lose everything.”

“Don’t go underneath,” the souls cried. “You can’t admit defeat.”

Both sides pulled and struggled, he whelped in pain, but no one cared. With everything to fear and everything to lose, he didn’t even want to choose.

“PLEASE!” he screamed all so loud, “PLEASE, PLEASE, not this time!” The dark thoughts fell to the bottom, the souls atop rose above. He turned and looked down the river, a waterfall in his wake. Calm and relaxed, he trusted the river. He knew in the end, he had nothing to fear, nothing at all.


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95 Reviews


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Mon Nov 28, 2016 4:46 pm
BeTheChange wrote a review...



This was interesting, a little vague but pretty good. I didn't like the rhymes that appeared occasionally, if they were intentional. They didn't fit with the rest of the story very well. The grammar/writing was off somehow, too. I think, since this is a few years old now, you should re read it and do some editing.
I also think you should mark this 12+ or at least include a trigger warning because it's very dark and seems to be about suicide.

Overall, a good idea that could be fixed up a bit.




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 4:41 am
Wherethewindgoes wrote a review...



Salutations.
So.
1) I really like the story. A lot of your descriptions were really meaningful, and the emotions were presented well.
2) This doesn't really explain why he jumped in. I presume it was suicide, as is evident by his conflicting feelings, but I think that should be elaborated upon. What was his life like? What happened that made him do this? In order to understand the conflict inside him of whether he should jump, readers need to first know the background.
3) Some sentence-level things:

Cold and unforgiving, the wind passed through him like an empty echo.


(There's nothing wrong with this, I just really like it.)

Rigid and encompassing, he shivered as he stood on the bridge.


Firstly, this line and the first start out the same. Try to add variety in that regard.
Also, I'm not sure what you are referring to when you say "rigid and encompassing". The way the sentence is set up it refers to the man, and that would make sense for "rigid", but not really "encompassing".

swimming in place for a moment, holding his stage.


What does "holding his stage" mean? I presume you mean "place"?

The river however, had its own direction.


There should be a comma after "river".

He drifted down stream, not violently or forcibly, but like a guiding hand, a hand that you trust for no reason.


Firstly, "downstream" is one word. Also, the descriptions here, I presume, apply to the stream, but the way you structured it they apply to him. Clarify that.

They laughed and giggled, it was all in good fun. No fear, nothing to fight, he knew he would be all right. He looked up, at the faces ashore, his past and future stared.


Here there are a few comma splices, which is when two independent clauses are put together with only a comma. Change some of the commas (for instance, after "giggled") to semi-colons or periods, or add some conjunctions.

The lights only shined left to right, he remained in the dark river, the dark thoughts still swimming around.


This is also a comma splice. This also doesn't really make sense. Why were the lights only shining left to right? Here it is written as if he remaining in the river is related to the lights. Clarify that, perhaps.

They told him heaven was a bound.


I'm not really sure what you mean by this.

Still he drifted down and down, heaven was a bound. Only know in his actions, can he find his ignorance.


These two sentences didn't really make sense. First, "heaven was a bound" still doesn't make much sense. Also, I'm not really sure what the meaning of the second sentence is. Perhaps clarify that.

But still, he climbed up the walls, still he fell down and still the dark thoughts reassured, like megaphones they screamed his name.


I would suggest breaking this up with semi-colons or periods.

happening all the once


What does this mean, exactly?

Both sides pulled and struggled, he whelped in pain, but no one cared.


This is a comma splice. The comma after "struggled" should be a period or semi-colon, or a conjunction should be added.

he screamed all so loud


What does "all so loud" mean, exactly? Perhaps "he screamed loudly"?

Well, that's all I have to say. All in all, I like the idea here, and some of the descriptions were really well-written and conveyed a lot of emotion. Good job, and good luck with any future writing!




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Sat Feb 16, 2013 5:09 am
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there Reckoner! Dogs here with your review. To start things off, welcome to YWS! I noticed you're relatively new here and if you ever need some help or a review or anything let me know and I'd be happy to comply :). Anywho, on to ze review. You have a just wondrous start here, I love the first line. Excellent imagery and descriptor with smooth flow and good vocab. Well done there. Although, you never really describe how deep the river is and how far the bridge is from the river. Just tiny details that you need to touch upon.

"one with the water, one with the current that didn't hate him"

Ok, so one what? I'm a little confused about the use of "one" in this line. You have excellent describing and imagery writing, but sometimes you do it a little too well.

Lovely imagery of the past and future looking at the character in the river. Well done there.

"still he drifted down and down, heaven was a bound"

Not entirely sure what you're trying to say with this line, definitely clarify for the reader your meaning, especially in such a descriptive and imagery dependent piece as this.

"and still the dark thoughts reassured..."

Ok, you have excellent imagery, but I want to see more variety in that excellent imagery. You've used "dark thoughts" a few times too many here. If you're having troubles finding a new word, try looking up "dark" in a thesaurus. It'll help trust me :).

Loved your paragraph about the puppets and the white and black souls. Quite creative and, as usual, excellent imagery.

Interesting last line, leaving us with some mystery and questions as to if your character will die at all. I think that you should put some more writing into the fact that you trust the flow of the river and where it will lead you. I would love the imagery of that and the metaphor of the going with the flow of life. That would be rather clever. All and all a lovely piece and I enjoyed reading it. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032



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Reckoner says...


Thanks, I really appreciate the advice as I plan on to add that to my peace. I was writing rather vaguely and I'm sure from an exterior perspective (the interior being my brain) some parts could be confusing. Thanks




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