Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy


SIMON & FAITH - Chapter One

by AwesomeSauce


“Faith?” My brother called, “Where are you? Faith?” His footsteps are heard throughout the house, echoing off the walls. I snicker, sneaking away in the other direction trying not to be seen. Keeping myself quiet, I walk in the kitchen. I was six and he was eight at the time; I was trying to hide from him and he was trying to get me. It wasn’t hide and seek, no, he was trying to get me to have a bath. I, on the other hand, was trying to get a snack.

I walked to the fridge, my eyes searching around for any signs of my brother. I couldn’t see him but I could certainly hear him. Stomping feet were heard through the walls, as I quicken my pace. I was starving by the time I reached the fridge, and opening it made my hunger worse. There was so much food in the fridge, but not one of them was sweet. As a six year old, I had this craving for anything sweet. Since there was nothing, I frantically looking around, seeking for the cookie jar. However, as I was, I didn’t notice my brother coming up behind me. He grabbed my arm, laughing, “Found you!”

I was getting dragged upstairs. I groaned, trying to get out of his grasp, “Simon! Let go, I’m hungry!”

“No I’m not letting go!”

He handed an apple to me, making me utterly confused, “Huh?”

He sighed, “Eat and shut up. You’re annoying me.”

That night, I looked out the window in search for something I needed. There was this star I always looked at because to me, it looked special. There was always something about star that got me excited. It was this one that sat in the centre of a cluster of stars. I would always smile, there was something about that star that would make my eyes twinkle. I would be always told off by Simon; he says that mystical things don’t exist. Although, every time he says that he has this guilty look on his face, so I’m not too sure.

It was one night in particular when my questions arose. It was such a beautiful night; stars were all over the place, beyond the eyes could see. I don’t know how it happened, but the stars moved. At the time, I wasn’t aware that Earth spins on an axis, but I was aware of magic and fantasy. They’d danced across the ink painted sky, moving all over the place. However, the centre star got my attention the most. My eyes glued to the star as it shone brightly, making me squint. It seemed to have opened, reviling a woman. Her face was angelic, smiling down on me as she waved. I couldn’t believe it, but it was right there! I ran to get my brother, once obtaining him, I dragged Simon upstairs only to find she is nowhere to be seen. He started to question me about everything in my mind, saying that it was strange. However, I didn’t care what he said; I’d believed what I saw that night.

However, that was ten years ago. Now each time I see something weird I have to keep it to myself. Although, I always keep to myself, so why am I complaining? My brother says that I get that from my mum, but that doesn’t even any sense. Our parents abandoned us when I was a baby, Simon was two, so how can he remember all these things, and how does he even know? I guess some things can never be explained.

Its summer, the heat from the sun glares down on me, telling me I should be awake. I sigh, rubbing my eyes. Today is yet another day of daunting school for me. Simon’s eighteen now, so he graduated last year. I groan at the thought, stepping out of bed. He should be sleeping now, so it’s my job to wake him up every morning. I walk towards my brother’s door, hearing the squeak as it opens. I see my brother sprawled out on top of his sheets, snoring. I grunt, opening the blinds to his room. He mumbles, putting the pillow over his eyes. This is going to be difficult; however, it’s my job to get him awake.

He groans, “Simon says to get out.” He rolls over, “He’s not available.”

I sigh, “Faith says no, she needs to get to school.”

“Simon says to get your own ride.”

“Faith says that she’ll love to if she was old enough to drive.” I cross my arms over my chest.

He moans, sitting up, “I’ll be a minute, alright?” He smirks, “Get changed alrady you don’t want to go to school like that…”

I nod, walking out, “Thanks, Simon.”

Walking towards my room, I notice a photo on the wall. It’s one of when we first moved to the unit we’re living in now, smiling as we held the final box in our hands. Before we moved here we used to live with this lady named Mrs Thompson. She was okay I guess, though she was really strict. I remember this one time when I was ten, and she wanted me to feed the animals on her farm and I managed to somehow to get mud all over my face, arms, legs and clothes; I was all muddy. To make the long story short, she had me in the bath for two hours; I learnt my lesson, never underestimate the power of an old lady.

I think I need to clean my room; I can’t find anything. It’s not messy, yet it’s not preferably tidy either. Books are scattered across my desk like fallen leaves, making my desk a mess. My bed is made, but somehow it looks like a birds nest. I have this habit of making everything spotless for some reason; it’s like when you have breakfast every morning. You just have to have it; I have to make my room tidy.

I hear my brother demanding me to get down stairs right now. I sigh, racing to get my things for school. Why do I have such a weird brother for? I rush downstairs, tripping over my own feet. Once I made my way down, he shoved me out the door.

We drive off.

It’s such a lovely sight; driving to the seat always puts me in such a lovely mood. The trees rush past my vision in on line, making it into one massive blur. Sunflower fields go smaller, pathways instead replace them. We make a left, entering the city. The large buildings stand proud and tall, showing off their windows to everyone’s view. These always seem to depress me; they’re so boring and dull. We make it to the school, slowing down to find a parking spot.

He pulls up in a car space, “I’ll be late this afternoon, Faith.”

I rub my head, “Just don’t be too late, okay?”

“Sure.” He smiles, “Get going then!”

I get out of the car, shutting the door. I wave, “See you later, Simon.”

The car drives off, leaving me standing at the grand doors of the school. I hope nothing bad happens today.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
20 Reviews


Points: 543
Reviews: 20

Donate
Fri Feb 15, 2013 11:46 pm
ScribbleBug wrote a review...



Hi! This is a good story! But the story is really choppy. It doesn't run smoothly, like I'm sure it could. First, I don't get the first dialogue:

“Simon! Let go, I’m hungry!”

“No I’m not letting go!”

He handed an apple to me, making me utterly confused, “Huh?”

He sighed, “Eat and shut up. You’re annoying me.”

That part doesn't make any sense? And are they living on they're own? That part doesn't make any sense. And, where do they live?
Also, I'm sure you meant center, not centre. Probably just a typo though. I do it all the time :)

"I groan at the thought, stepping out of bed"
That sentience doesn't make any sense. I would change it to something like:
"I groan at the thought as I step out of my bed," or maybe "I groan at the thought and step out of bed." And what it this thought you speak of? Could you please clarify? Thanks!

"Walking towards my room, I notice a photo on the wall. It’s one of when we first moved to the unit we’re living in now, smiling as we held the final box in our hands. Before we moved here we used to live with this lady named Mrs Thompson. She was okay I guess, though she was really strict. I remember this one time when I was ten, and she wanted me to feed the animals on her farm and I managed to somehow to get mud all over my face, arms, legs and clothes; I was all muddy. To make the long story short, she had me in the bath for two hours; I learnt my lesson, never underestimate the power of an old lady."
This paragraph is really choppy and doesn't make any sense. It just needs clarification, and by including more about Simon and Faiths past, I think it will make more sense. Also:

"It’s such a lovely sight; driving to the seat always puts me in such a lovely mood. The trees rush past my vision in on line, making it into one massive blur. Sunflower fields go smaller, pathways instead replace them. We make a left, entering the city. The large buildings stand proud and tall, showing off their windows to everyone’s view. These always seem to depress me; they’re so boring and dull. We make it to the school, slowing down to find a parking spot."
Fist she say the drive is so pretty, but she cant see anything because it goes to fast, then its depressing. What? Its really confusing. Please edit.

Its a really good story! I cant wait to read more! It just needs some more details and editing. Keep it up!
~SB




AwesomeSauce says...


Thanks.
I know it is, I'm writing this in a book, and at the time I was having a writer's block so...Yeah.



User avatar
46 Reviews


Points: 1383
Reviews: 46

Donate
Fri Feb 15, 2013 7:58 am
MythWriter99 wrote a review...



Okay so I'm hooked. I want to read more. But that doesn't mean this piece is perfect. I think the main problem that I encountered was that there weren't enough details. I want to know more about Faith and Simon. Where do they live now? What was their childhood like without their parents? Stuff like that. But other than that I enjoyed the story. It's interesting and I already like Faith.




AwesomeSauce says...


Thanks.
I'm writing this in some book, so yeah. I'll be sure to add their past in the next chapter or so.



User avatar
23 Reviews


Points: 1084
Reviews: 23

Donate
Wed Feb 13, 2013 6:41 pm
florageis wrote a review...



Hello awesomesauce. Good chapter.
Your chapter was grasping although we needed more details. You might of wanted to give off a suspenseful effect but more information wont hurt. Your story definitely kept me curious to know more. It was somewhat choppy and hard to grasp. You need to use bigger vocabulary to help describe all the details. It was an overall great and suspenseful beginning even though it could use a little more to it.




AwesomeSauce says...


Yeah, I know that it needed more description. I'll see what I can do, eh?
Thanks though!



User avatar
289 Reviews


Points: 30323
Reviews: 289

Donate
Wed Feb 13, 2013 1:23 pm
Caesar wrote a review...



Hey there AwesomeSauce!

Alright, an interesting start to what is surely to be a promising novel. That scene where your character, Faith, sees the woman in the stars? Lovely. I would have liked some more emotion -- I would have liked more emotion in ~*all the places*~ but other than that, it was pretty good. Kudos.

Speaking of lacks, I would have liked some description of Simon and/or Faith, possibly both. Without resorting to a mirror, please. I can't stand descriptions by the mirror. Conversely, you did describe the room, though again some details would have helped -- even random ones, especially random ones if your character is more likely to pick those out.

I also had issue with your main flashback scene, in which Faith sees the woman. While the descriptive scene in of itself was great, the flashback as a whole... not so great. Now I'm not saying italics are required, but yeah, they do help. However another thing, is your use of the present tense within a flashback. Unless it's a really, really long flashback, like, chapter long, I would advise you use the present tense, and even then, it's risky, those more grammatically savvy might correct me.

You also have some minor typos, which however have been pointed out to me. I'd simply like to remind you that, unless we're talking about 'it', the possessive is applied with an apostrophe.

My bed is made, but somehow it looks like a birds nest.


Like there, for example.

Incorrect use of semi-colon here:

it’s like when you have breakfast every morning.


Try substituting a semi-colon with a full-stop; if it works, then go for it.

Incorrect use of dialogue EVERYWHERE. Allow me to point out a few bits.

“Sure.” He smiles, “Get going then!”

I get out of the car, shutting the door. I wave, “See you later, Simon.”


In the first case, after smiles, there should be a full-stop. Using a comma would imply he's actually smiling 'get going then'. That is wrong on so many levels, not limited to the grammatical plane. Same goes for the second case.

It would be correct in this case, for example: "The milk is in the cupboard," he said, "but we're running out of it."

Two directly related sentences, the comma and speaking verb acting as a 'bridge'. But there must be a speaking verb.


To recap -- good star scene, poor grammar in places, promising plot. Nothing a good proofread won't solve.

Hope this helped
~Ita




AwesomeSauce says...


Thanks for this. I have a problem with my grammar skills, but I'm getting there. Thanks again!



User avatar
179 Reviews


Points: 11017
Reviews: 179

Donate
Wed Feb 13, 2013 12:08 pm
guineapiggirl wrote a review...



Hello AwesomeSauce! Here to review, as requested.
right then...
Firstly, to the issues with spelling and grammar and stuff. Not many major things:

a birds nest

That should be a bird's nest, because the nest belongs to the bird. The rest of your apostrophes were fine so I won't give you a whole lecture on apostrophe use.
ummm, there was a typo somewhere where you put alrady. should be already.
There was just the one big problem. I'll give you an example:
I ran to get my brother, once obtaining him, I dragged Simon upstairs only to find she is nowhere to be seen. He started to question me
Can you see what's wrong here? You keep swapping tenses. Big problem. Very annoying. Get and dragged are past tense, is is present tense. Started is past tense again. Change the is to a was and you're sorted. You did a similar thing a few other times. Just look through and see where you've got it wrong.

NOw onto plotty things.

Why do I have such a weird brother for?

I think you either need to change why to what or cut the for here. Also though, you haven't shown the brother as being weird particularly, so I would suggest that if you're going to say that you give examples of why she thinks it. Or cut the whole section.

The trees rush past my vision in on line, making it into one massive blur. Sunflower fields go smaller, pathways instead replace them

Nice little bit of description there.

So, I will conclude. You've got a nice little start here. You've opened it all well and I'm interested in these characters, these young people who were abandoned when they were very small. I'm very interested in the brother and how he seems to really have to look after his little sister.
I don't know what's going ot happen in the story and can't make any guesses.
Oh, I don't really like your title. It doesn't tell us much and when I first saw it I thought this was going to be quite a boring romance.




AwesomeSauce says...


Thanks!
I was thinking of changing the title, but I don't know what to though...It's confusing. I don't know...
You have any suggestions?




All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience.
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe