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Be my Valentine

by drew89


If a man's heart is filled with love he needs to show it not just one day out the year, So his woman would shed a tear he needs to tell her in different ways, He needs to show her that he cares for her and would do anything and eveything for her, A man needs to show compassion and Love and uderstanding towards his lady, And this my opinion on Valentines Day I think we should celebrate it ALL year not one day a year,Not just roses once a year but when it counts and guys you know the expression bigger is better well that's not technically true some some women not all women like the expensive stuff like fine wine and fancy jewelry and fancy resturaunts, Some just prefer to get stuff like roses and a box of chocolates and maybe a stuffed animal, then take her out to dinner some place like McDonald's then maybe a movie you both can enjoy watching


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Mon Feb 18, 2013 7:29 pm
drew89 says...






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Wed Feb 13, 2013 10:13 am
guineapiggirl wrote a review...



Hellloooo, welcome to YWS! I think you've had problems with the line formatting like other people, yes? So I've done the correct formatting below to help you. Also, you've put commas and full stops in the wrong places. In poetry, the rules about commas and full stops are the same as in any other thing. Right? So, put a full stop at the end of a sentence, and a comma at the end of a clause. If it's not the end of a clause or a sentence and you're mid-sentence then don't put anything because you're continuing on the same line! You got it? :D Basically, if you put a poem just in a lump paragraph like you have here, it should read just like prose- completely grammatically correctly. So, I'll do my best at figuring out what you should have done with you commas and full stops. Oh, also, you've missed out a few words and got a bit confused with sentence structure.

If a man's heart is filled with love he needs to show it
not just one day out of the year,
So his woman would shed a tear. (I don't quite understand what you mean by this line but I've tried to do the comma and full stop by what I think you're doing.)
He needs to tell her in different ways.
He needs to show her that he cares for her
and would do anything and everything for her.
A man needs to show compassion and Love and understanding towards his lady.
And this my opinion on Valentine's (THERE SHOULD BE AN APOSTROPHE IN VALENTINE'S DAY) Day I think we should celebrate it ALL year not one day a year. ( i don't know how to format these last two lines; they're a bit long but I can't see an obvious place to chop them.

OK, so that's the basic stuff. I hope I've helped a little bit :D




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Wed Feb 13, 2013 3:40 am
Prometheus wrote a review...



Hey drew,

This was a good .... post, with a good feel and point to it. I would think that under 'lyrics' the writing would usually have more of a verse feel to it. generally its just placement of your spacing so we can see the rhyme scheme and the breaks. Also it could have had a stronger finish. I liked the way you closed it, but it could have been a little better by changing up a few words. having the two 'year's so close kind of takes away from the solid finish. Perhaps '...ALL year, not for only one day' its a good finish, I just like to see less redundancy in works.

Prometheus




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Wed Feb 13, 2013 3:24 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Drew.

This is a nice sentiment, but it could use some fleshing out.

First, a minor point: I'm not sure if this proselike formatting was intentional, but it doesn't really work. I think you can avoid this if you paste your work into Google Docs first, then paste it in here.

I think the best way to improve this is to give us some images. Show us the cheesy gestures a man makes on Valentine's Day (chocolate, roses, nice dinner) and contrast it with how he treats her poorly the rest of the time. Then show us the kind of things a man should do all the time to show love. Concrete images would engage the reader more.

Also, I'm not so sure about "his woman". Sounds possessive to me.

Overall, good idea, but I'd love to see stronger images. Keep writing! :)




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Wed Feb 13, 2013 2:56 am
Meoiu wrote a review...



Well, there are many ways to show your love for someone, not necessarily just a man for his lady. It's just valentines day is the "official" excuse to do something very cute and romantic for someone you love, male or female without having to be doubted of ever doing something stupid like cheating.





All my life I've wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
— Jane Wagner