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Always

by littleauthor


CHLOE'S POV:

I open my locker to get my books for first period as i see a boy walk over to the locker next to mine. He must be a new kid because I've never seen him before. "Hi!" I said cheerfully to him. He has brown hair sort-of off to one side and bright blue green eyes. "Hi," he replies not looking up. He cant seem to open his locker so I offer to help him. He shyly hands me over to combination and I open it with only a little trouble. "Thanks," He says finally looking at me. He pauses for a second like hes trying to take in every single piece of me in. I blush and look at his schedule. "Oh wow we have most of our classes to getter!" I exclaim noticing we only have one class apart. "Oh cool" He says back still staring into me. I grab my books and shut my locker just as he gets his. "Is it OK if I walk with you?" I ask smiling. He nods following me to English.

LOUIS POV

As i walked into my new school I found my locker and right next to it was a beautiful girl. Her long blonde hair and stunning green eyes amazed me. I went into my awkward shy mode as she helped me with all my stuff. When she wanted to walk to class with me, I almostcried. Because it was just that Amazing. When we got to class she took me to a desk next to hers and sat down opening her textbook. Though out the entire class I couldn't keep my focus because I was staring at her. "What's your name?" She asked me at the end of class. "Louis, and you?" I replied. "Chloe." Chloe, that name suited her. I walked her to her second period class because that was the one we didn't have together. I walked slowly next door ,where my class was and finally worked up the nerve to ask for her number.

I think I fell in love.


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Fri Oct 24, 2014 8:11 pm
Amnesia wrote a review...



I'm not trying to be mean. It's a great story and all there is just a few things that caught my eye and I cant really stop seeing them.
1. They move too fast, honestly create some suspence like have them take time to figure out if they like or love each other.
2. There are a few Grammatical errors in your story like
"As i walked into school"
now even I do this because I type too fast and I mostly forget to use the shift button so as far as im concerned it wasnt on purpose
"I almostcried"
I do this all the time dont worry about it and just go back in and hit the space bar I didnt even notice till i read it for the second time.
"It was just that Amazing"
What was amazing? and the A should be lower case

Dont worry about these mistakes I do them all the time :) and I love the girl's name.....I never seen a One Direction FanFic with the name Chloe in it before so it's a refreshing change from Kylie and Cassandra




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Thu Aug 08, 2013 3:05 am
novelist says...



First of all, hello.
I'm wondering if you were trying to make Chloe seem as though she talks either like a little kid, or with an odd dialect, because its kinda funny: "... we have most of our classes to getter!" I don't mean it in a rude way. It just made me laugh a little.
There's also a few other errors like that.

Louis is which one? I only pay attention to Harry.




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Thu Aug 08, 2013 3:04 am
novelist wrote a review...



Because I messed up my first review, I now have to change this one. And so, I will give a very short comment about...
Your paragraphing. Every time someone else talks, make a paragraph.




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Sat Feb 09, 2013 10:36 pm
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there littleauthor! Dogs here with your review. Ok so this is a good piece, you're on the right stepping stone here but you need a little bit of work. The piece you wrote here is far too short to be a chapter, you could make this a prologue to your book maybe but certainly not a chapter. Not much happens other than a boy and a girl meet and than WHAT love at first sight and all that jazz. Gimmi some more details! I want to know what else happens! You also should open with a description of the school, is it big is it small is it cruddy is it clean with immaculate organization. Just those tiny details will make a huge difference. Also on a separate note... WELCOME TO YWS!!!!

Anywho on to ze review, you do relatively well with your dialogue, but your lacking on some more imagery and description. I want to see the boy that Chloe meets. Is he drop dead gorgeous? Does he look shy? What clothes is he wearing? Is is nose long, short, normal, cute, flawless face, tall, short, athletic? Just those little details will make your writing loads better.

Ok when you move into Louis, your imagery gets far better with the description of Chloe. Apply that imagery to the rest of your story and you'll be doing better.

So all and all it's a good stepping stone for an excellent piece. I think the contradiction of the two viewpoints from the boy and the girl is well done and has plenty of potential. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




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Sat Feb 09, 2013 8:18 pm
Wherethewindgoes wrote a review...



The two opposing viewpoints, I think, are interesting here.
I don't know what the rest of the novel is going to be like, but I think you should make sure to have some other main conflict, some goals of the characters that go against their love.
Also, the tense here changes. In Chloe's POV, it is present (except for "I said), but in Louis' it's past. I think you should choose one and stick with it, staying consistent.
Another thing I would change is the formatting. There should be a new paragraph when the dialogue changes to a new character. You may want to also break up some of this into more paragraphs to make the pacing work better. Which leads me to...
I think the pacing here is too fast. Slow down the story and describe the characters' surroundings. You can also add more dialogue and interaction between the characters. Some of the sentences, I think, could be re-arranged or divided into multiple sentences. For instance:

I open my locker to get my books for first period as i see a boy walk over to the locker next to mine. He must be a new kid because I've never seen him before.


This is too much in one sentence. Break it up with punctuation, I think.

"Hi!" I said cheerfully to him. He has brown hair sort-of off to one side and bright blue green eyes. "Hi," he replies not looking up.


This, incidentally, is an example of where there should be new paragraphs for new speakers.

He has brown hair sort-of off to one side and bright blue green eyes.


This sentence could be broken up into two, or at least reworded with commas. Also, I don't think "sort-of" needs a hyphen, but "blue green" does.

cant


Can't

He cant seem to open his locker so I offer to help him. He shyly hands me over to combination and I open it with only a little trouble. "Thanks," He says finally looking at me. He pauses for a second like hes trying to take in every single piece of me in.


Each of these sentences needs a comma, I think. Also, I think you mean "the" in "He shyly hands me over to combination."

"Oh wow we have most of our classes to getter!" I exclaim noticing we only have one class apart.


Together, I think you mean.
Also, the dialogue should probably have a comma, and so should the tag.

"Oh cool" He says back still staring into me. I grab my books and shut my locker just as he gets his. "Is it OK if I walk with you?" I ask smiling. He nods following me to English.


These also need commas.

i


I

As i walked into my new school I found my locker and right next to it was a beautiful girl.


This also needs a comma.

Amazing


amazing

When she wanted to walk to class with me, I almostcried. Because it was just that Amazing.


I feel as if someone you have known for ten seconds asking to walk to class with you isn't exactly cause for crying...
Also, the phrase "Because it was just that amazing" is a bit lacking in description. Why not talk about the character's feelings, perhaps use some sort of metaphor, instead of just saying it was "amazing"?


When we got to class she took me to a desk next to hers and sat down opening her textbook.


A few commas are necessary here.

Though out


Throughout

Chloe, that name suited her.


The comma should be a semi-colon or period.

I walked her to her second period class because that was the one we didn't have together.


I think a comma would make this sentence smoother.

I walked slowly next door ,where my class was and finally worked up the nerve to ask for her number.


I think this sentence should be reworded a bit. The start, I think, should be "I walked slowly next door to where my class was" or "I walked slowly next door, where my class was, and..."

Also, Is his asking Chloe for her number happening as he walked to his class, or is this saying that later he did? I think you should clarify that. Also, I think him asking for her number is important enough to have its own scene.

I think I fell in love.


I think this should be shown as opposed to told. Try to show this through dialogue and actions instead of just telling the reader.


Well, that's all I have to say. The two viewpoints are interesting, and give potential for some sort of back-and-forth showing different reactions to some important situation. The only thing that really should have correction is pacing and some grammar. Also, the important thing, I think, about fanfiction is keeping it unique and original. Good luck with the rest of the story!




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Sat Feb 09, 2013 8:17 pm
Caesar wrote a review...



hey there littleauthor! Welcome to YWS. I hope you're enjoying the site.

It saddens me the first thing you had to post is a One Direction fanfic. I truly hope you're not 25 as your profile states, otherwise I would fear for you. I just don't get it. Why. WHY. Why would one waste time wallowing on such horrible icons? Why can't people be creative? Whyyyy. It's not like One Direction are ever going to read this. It's not like they're going to fall in love with your beautiful writing, which this is not. It's not like they'll be touched or impressed, I sincerely hope they're not such massive ego-fondling air-heads. They probably are, but oh well. I like to put faith in people.

Do you like to envision yourself as a cute, sexy Mary Sue? Do you fantasize of a romance with this Louis person? Did you pour out your heart and soul into this? Are you truly that hopeless? Must you truly have to share these sentiments with the rest of the world? Just, why? I don't get it. I bet your real name is even Chloe, and if it's not, I'm sure you've read that this singer's favorite name is Chloe or something pathetic like that.

Now you must understand, I have nothing against you, and I'm sure you're really quite a nice and sensible person. Again, I may just be being too hopeful. However I do have issues with One Direction fanfictions. They are truly the lowest, most despicable, worst-written type of cliched teen drama that exists, hands down.

This piece completely lacks appropriate description, and is lacking emotion in every sense of the way. You're making your character, Chloe, a Mary Sue purely to experience the thrill of depicting this person as weak and emotional. No doubt you think it's cute, maybe you even shed a tear. Why. Whyyyy I will never cease asking myself.

You even freaking wrote 'LOUIS/CHLOE POV' instead of formatting it like a proper novel. Does your work mean nothing to you except a form of emotional closure? Has writing really come to this?

This piece is boring, not very well-written, cliche, and above all a One Direction fanfiction. Let me point out a few nit-picks.

"Oh cool" He says back still staring into me(...)


Should be a comma after cool, he shouldn't be capitalized. I recommend reading up on how to write proper dialogue before attempting to write your own.

Writing is a noble thing, and I encourage you to pursue that dream. But, for the love of all you hold holy, please do not offend literature all over the world by writing an One Direction fanfiction.

Hope this helped
~Ita




Auxiira says...


Ohh you didn't have to be so harsh Ita. Also if you have the time to review this then you have the time to review my short story
Auxii



LouisCypher says...


Haha, you shameless review-seeker < 3 hit me up with the novel again in a bit, k?



LouisCypher says...


Haha, you shameless review-seeker < 3 hit me up with the novel again in a bit, k?



LouisCypher says...


I blame lag



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Sat Feb 09, 2013 8:10 pm
beckiw wrote a review...



Hey littleauthor :)

Welcome to YWS! I hope that you're exploring the site and having a look at other people's work. I'm sure they're eager to hear from you!

I'm not really that familiar with One Direction other than knowing they're a boy band. I think I have a vague notion of who Louis is but I don't think you really have to know for this piece. It could be any teenage fiction.

I think I'm just going to point out one major problem for me and that was the whole piece didn't have a flow to it. It kind of just felt like you were going -

'I did this. Then I walked over there. He came over to me. Then I ran away.'

It's very stuttered and kind of uninteresting. I know what's going to happen and how it's going to happen and there's nothing really hooking me in the way you tell it. With pieces like this that are kind of predictable, you need to do something original with the way you are telling it and right now it's not doing that.

Although, having said that. This is a fan-fiction piece. Fan-fiction is mainly for indulging your fantasies about celebrities or films or books and so as far as fan-fiction goes, this is fairly typical and it's more about you enjoying what you're writing than me enjoying it.

So as long as you are enjoying it. Keep it up! :)

If you have any questions then just Pm me.

Bex x





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